New Year's Resolutions

It's a new year, and that means everyone's going through the trouble of keeping their resolutions. After years of unsuccessful attempts to change my ways for more than a couple days at the very most, I should have learned to stop this charade long ago. Unfortunately, I still think I might be capable of following through this year. So for personal embarassment as well as giving you a second chance at personal rebirth as you're devouring the leftover holiday cookies, here's my list of resolutions for 2006.

1. I will stop automatically assuming the following groups of people are "not nice": Politicians, English professors, lawyers, televangelists, hippies, hitchhikers, frat boys, goth kids, pop stars, reality tv show producers, record industry talent scouts, soccer moms, annoying children, and senior citizens.

2. I will read at least one politically-focused newspaper article a week, so that I will be better informed of the world around me, as well as having source material to draw from in case an argument breaks out.

3. I will write the first five chapters of a novel. The other ten or twenty can wait until next year.

4. If I am dissatisfied with my current religion, I will try three others. If I am happy with my choice in faith, I will try to follow its rules a little better than last year.

5. For every expletive I use this year, I will donate a quarter to charity. (I'd offer more, but I'm an unemployed college student, the money's simply not there.)

6.
Speak more in haiku.
Helps to destroy writer's block.
Makes me feel smart, too.

7. I will find a new friend to talk to both on and off this whole interwebby doohickey.

8. I will take the stairs instead of the elevator unless the difference between the ground floor and my destination is more than five. I don't want to wear myself out after all these years of being in "round" shape.

9. I will cook one thing a month that doesn't involve the microwave. Yes, ramen noodles count.

10. Well, I'm running out of ideas...so...uhh...wildcard?

Hey, wait a minute...that's a good idea...

I will look back at what I have accomplished this year once it is over, and try and find one moment that made me a better person.

I hope these resolutions give you some inspiration to become a better person. And if you do decide to make a mockery of me for my ideas, please, no more wedgies. I had enough of those in high school.