Hooligans- Earth Gone Crazy

A person jumped off a thirty story building. And then another. And another. And then, hundreds of them came falling down like rain from the roof. All of them landed on the sidewalk with loud splats, though the thudding became softer each second as the sound was dampened by the strewn corpses.

“New Guinness World Record!” a small boy yelled out. “Most people committing suicide in a single minute!” he continued.

I turned around when I heard loud laughter from behind me. People-hooligans, as they are called- were firing themselves from cannons into spray painted bulls-eyes on the wall. They hit it with a loud smack. I noticed that the walls were a thick red. And I shook my head at this mayhem.

“My child,” a voice that sounded croaky said from behind me. I turned around and I faced an old, hunched man holding a stick that looked like it belonged to his great grandfather. The stick was old. The old man was old. “What do you want, old man?” I said to him.

“It wasn’t always like this. You’re pure born, aints it?” the old man said to me. “I’m not like them if that’s what you mean.” I replied. He didn’t look like he was pure born, though. “Who are you?” I asked him. The old man apparently didn’t heed my question. He continued, “Yes of course. These- these hooligans were created by someone. Things got out of control. They took control of the world.”

“Who created them?” although the old man was probably mad, I still couldn’t help but want to know what he had to say. “Paki Up Ump Papi Hup Huh Duh Da...” “Stop blabbering!” I shouted at him and proceeded to slap his face. “Hadladkap Musi, in short.” he said, apparently cutting to the chase. That’s more like it.

“They were a genetic experiment created by him when Hadladkap was just a small lil boy.” the old man said, drifting off into a long grandfather story. I sighed and sat down to listen to his mad ramblings.

About sixty or so years ago, Hadladkap unleashed his experiments into the world. The hooligans were virtually invincible. They were mad, though. And they wrecked the world- like a three year old would do to a kitchen.

They thrashed space exploration when they crashed all of NASA’s shuttles. As for the Russians, they nuked them. Don’t ask me why how they took control of the nuclear missiles- I’m not very good when it comes to logic. Anyway, they destroyed human beings when they stole Hadladkap’s anti-infertility device. It released a shockwave throughout the entire world that rendered all males and females (they’re called humans, for your information) infertile. Meaning that they are not able to have cuddlies of their own.

Thus the humans were technically extinct. But wait- Hadladkap had another device up his sleeves. He wanted to be certain- epistemologically certain, mind you- that the only human left on this earth was himself. So he created the “Humanuke Em”. It releases a shockwave that kills all humans throughout the entire world. Hadladkap had to hide himself in a machine that protected him from his own weapon of mass destruction. It was called the “Hidey Hole”. Hadladkap accidentally set the device to put him into warp-stasis for sixty years instead of sixty seconds. Thus he is stuck there- but not for long. In a few days time he shall reawaken and regain control of his hooligans.

“What does he intend to do?” I asked, the moment the old man stopped to take a breath.

“Ah yes.” He replied. And then he continued his grandfather story.

“You see, my child: Hadladkap wanted himself to be the only rational being on Earth. That was his ultimate purpose. Not to listen to music from his iPod for the rest of his life or sleeping with women, mind you, but to be the smartest person alive on earth. The only one.

But unbeknownst to him, there was a race of creatures that lived underwater- Ganguns, they are called. They were not discovered by him. And their technology and empire has grown throughout these six decades. I think that when Hadladkap awakes, he will definitely stumble upon them and destroy them. And that’s where you come in, my child.

“Me?”

“Yes, you. You have to go to the Ganguns and warn them. They are the only ones who can contact the Jedeis, a race of warriors who are the most powerful in the universe. They- the Jedeis- are the only ones who can stop Hadladkap.”

I was indifferent. “Why don’t you go?” I said.

“Cants. Only pure borns can enter the gate of Gangun.”

“So you’re not pure born then. What are you?”

“I’m impure born! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAH--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

His laughing turn into cries of agony as I took his walking stick from him and whacked it straight on his head. His face fell flat onto the hard tar.

“Aaaaah!” he cried in a muffled voice. Apparently, it was difficult for him to extract himself from the cement. I reached down, grabbed his bald head and pulled him out.

“Ah!” he said. “Much better. Thanks.” He rubbed his nose. It dropped off, and blood spurted out like a fountain from his nose, landing thirty feet away. “Aaaaah!” he cried, but then he quickly reached down to his nose and stuffed it back.

“There. Much better.” he said, as he pressed his nose again a few times to make sure it fit.

I was struck with a feeling of boredom. And suddenly, a brilliant and completely original idea hit me- I’m going to save the world!

“I’m going to save the world!” I said loudly to him. The old man smiled. “Ah yes, yes, save the word. But before you do that, you first need to find a certain Jack Sparrow.”

“Jack Sparrow? Who is he?”

“Beats mah friggin’ brains out.” the old man replied and shrugged.

I got angry and punched his face. But when my fist landed on the side of his face, it felt like a hit hard rock.

“Aaaah!” I groaned.

“Hehehehehe. I have the power of rock skin. Ahahahah!” he yelled at me like a mad man.”

Suddenly, his head popped out his neck socket like a jack in the box.

“Oops!” his head said, before continuing, “what you are about to witness is rated NC-17!” and winked at me.

His arms started popping off, followed by gushes of blood. His legs then came off, and for the finale, his body exploded. Strangely enough, no chunks of flesh or blood could be seen. It was only the hard tar of the cement road.

“Weird.” I muttered to myself and walked forward.

It would be the first step of my great journey!