Charge Of The Christmas Light Brigade

Charge of the Christmas Light Brigade

‘Twas the night before Christmas and blustery cold
We were off on a mission so dastardly bold
I’d packed all the tools, all the things we would need
There was nothing left now but to go do the deed.

So we hunkered down low, and bided our time
We’d wait ‘til they’re sleeping and then do our crime.
Our noses were frosty. Our bellies were cold,
But they’d go to bed soon, or so we were told.

The houses were dimming, their candles put out
I was getting excited but tried not to shout.
Slowly and quietly down through the trees
But on came a light. Quick now, drop to your knees!

We’d waited so long for this night to get here
We’d fix that fat man with his nasty reindeer!
One more “HO HO “ and I’m gonna be sick.
I’ll spin on my heels and just give him a kick!

“You mustn’t be naughty, he won’t bring you gifts.”
“Don’t fight with your siblings, no fistfights or rifts!”
He’s keeping a list and he’s checking it twice.
I’ve got a list too, and it’s very precise!

We’ll show him who’s naughty and show him who’s good,
As I blew on my fingers and pulled up my hood.
With a twist of the pliers and a flick of my hand
I’d turn this display into something quite grand.

At the fence post we started, with each little light
And moved them and placed them ‘til each was just right.
An upward curve here and a straight line ‘cross there
Each bulb was arranged with the utmost of care.

We dare not be noisy for fear we’d get caught
But that letter there’s sagging, so pull it up taut.
Swiftly and silently, talking like mimes
We worked and we labored, completing our crimes.

The weather was frosty. Our hands were so cold
But we’d twist and we’d bend, we’d untangle and fold
Each set of those lights that they’d strung with such care
‘Til we’d formed them in phrases as bold as we’d dare.

The Christmas display that had once read NOEL
With the help of our warped minds, now said “This is hell”
And the phrase MERRY CHRISTMAS on the Jones’ new house
Now looked like a cat that was chasing a mouse.

And the lights that had garnished the neighbor’s long fence
Now spelled out a phrase that made so much more sense.
The lights that had shimmered and glittered all day
Now shone up so brightly…FAT MAN, GO AWAY!

To each bright yard we scurried, with our pliers and tools
We tripped over shovels, and fell into pools.
But we finished our project, and stayed at our work
No dooryard was sacred, no display would we shirk.

It was getting quite late as we headed for home
The gold of the sun was just showing its dome.
We had better go now; we’d be caught if we stayed
But we’ve done a nights’ work, and our statement we’ve made.

So think about this when next Christmas comes ‘round
And you’re putting up lights and impressing the town.
There’s a limit to good taste, good tidings and such
And a thousand bright lights is a wee tad too much!

When you rise in the morning and look in your yard
You’d better look twice, and you’d better look hard!
Your nice “Merry Christmas” sign, now, I’m afraid
Says “Christmas is cancelled, Santa hasn’t been paid!”