Two Friends

Another sleepless night lies ahead of me. I will never rest until this pain is finally done away with. So many nights I have gone without sleep on account of it; I can only just remember what it felt like to sleep freely, without the suffering of this physical pain. Yet even as I may yet fall asleep in spite of it, it is my mind that troubles me and keeps me from my bliss. I think of my friends, so very similar yet so completely dissimilar in their approaches to their mutual troubles. I cannot help but think of [Amanda] and the wrenching pain that aches my heart to think of how she hurts herself so. She mars herself in giving her affections to that boy, and he mars her. I am helpless to help her so long as she is willing to give into his obsessions for some sense of self-worth, as though he is the only one who can give it to her. She finds no value in herself, and when another friend’s focus is not on her she knows that she can go to him and be fulfilled. It is shallow fulfillment, and that temporary at best, that draws her to him. I would not see her give in to this or to the misjudgment that so taints her mind and heart. I would gladly suffer this pain tenfold to see her desire what is right and focus herself on things of benefit and reward to herself and those around her as she ministers to God and to others. He alone knows how I pray for her, and He alone hears the groans of my contrition regarding her. I would not see her spoil herself as she is well on her way to doing.
I also think of [Bethany]. She struggles with the same issues, faces the same trials as Amanda, yet she fares far better. She continues to grow where Amanda falters. I think of how, despite these things, she has been to me a great source of strength and encouragement. She continues to be to me one of the greatest examples I have yet had in my life of friendship and true love. She demonstrates this love in ways that most find themselves unable to, and she does so with tremendous grace. For all the difficulties that befall her, she has never failed to make it known that she is available to support those who need her and to then provide herself altruistically when needed. So I wonder: How are these two so similar and yet so very different? Simply, I answer myself: It is in upon whom each is focused and what each views as being most important. Both can be good friends, though only one has proven herself to be, both have shown love, both have supported and helped those who are in need of them. I find, however, that the second’s more Godly focus and self-sacrificing love have done a great deal more for me and drawn me closer to her where Amanda’s worldly focus and lack of discernment have turned her cold, at times, to the needs of others and to her own good, obviously to her detriment but also to the detriment of those who care for her and struggle to help her in spite of herself. Nevertheless, I must show both the love that Christ has given me for each and continue to help them along regardless of the difficulty of the toil. May my almighty Father give me the grace and the strength to deal with what turmoil arises and the love that is due those whom he has placed in my life to care for.