How To Be A Stupid Drunk

How To Be A Stupid Drunk

Ever go out to a party and have a really good time and then realize you've had too much to drink, but there is nothing you can do and you end up making a fool out of yourself? I know I have and it took a lot of hard drinking and several costly mistakes for me to reach this level of enlightenment I have attained. These days, I drink with caution. I've made so many mistakes in the past that now there is a sub-conscious alarm that goes off in my head when I start losing control that lets me know to back off. Let me tell you, it took a lot of mistakes to get to this point, but now that I'm here, I feel its necessary to share some of my experiences to hopefully allow you to avoid similar circumstances.
First off, if you ever find yourself in Iraq and you've been there for about year, don't consume large amounts of vodka and whiskey and then climb into a humvee and drive to the Air Force section of the base alone, searching for the only woman in your unit to confess your love for her, even though she looks like a man. This could be potentially dangerous for a couple of reasons:
A. You're in a war zone, and doing something like that could get you thrown in jail if anyone ever found out.
B. Talking to sober women that look like men, while you're drooling on yourself because you're so intoxicated that you can't even walk straight, doesn't earn you any respect with anyone.
C. When the manly woman just looks at you like the drunken bastard you are and then gives you the cold shoulder it tends to be upsetting and causes one to have the urge to take your Kevlar helmet and smash it into several windows of Air Force pick up trucks parked outside.
All this spells disaster and allows many of your fellow soldiers to ridicule you the very next day when your head is pounding and you're puking from the stench of burning trash and diesel fuel that tends to fill the Iraqi air.
Next, if you're twenty years old and not old enough to go out and buy alcohol on your own, there might be a reason for it that, that you'll later discover when it’s too late. Don't decide to drink whatever alcohol you have left in your room and then get in your car and head to a party just because you're worried they might not have any alcohol there. One should bring the alcohol to the party and then consume it there and decide not to leave from that point on.
If a hot seventeen year old girl, who you met at an underage club the week before, calls you up looking for a party and you're already drunk, don't leave the party with your best friend to go pick her up when you already are obviously drunk. There are two big warning signs that this could be a dumb idea. One is you're getting into your recently purchased 2002 Mitsubishi Eclipse GT with a six pack of beer open and ready for consumption on your way to the pick up the girl
while your best friend is riding shotgun. Two the girl is only seventeen and the whole reason she needs a ride is because she doesn't even have her license yet. Not only that, but she tells you she had to lie to her mom about where she was actually was going that night because if she were to find out, she would be grounded.
If you do end up heading out to pick her up anyways, while you are motivated by that pretty face and enormous breasts, drive cautiously and pay attention to the road. If you don't, you could end up turning into a parking lot of “Joe's Crab Shack” going about 45 miles an hour and jumping a concrete divider that’s about as high as a sidewalk and has no business being in the middle of a parking lot except to wreck your entire night. If this does happen you might hear this conversation being said in the car between you and your best friend after the car lands back on ground.
“What the hell was that?” You'll say.
Then your friend will look at you with the most surprised look you've ever seen in your life and say, “Did you hit something?”
“I don't know, what’s that noise? Wait a minute...is the car sinking?”
Then you'll proceed to get out of the car and survey the damage: Four blown tires and rims that look like Pac-man himself came and took a bite out of them.
“Oh, my god... Oh my GOD... OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” May or may not come out of your mouth.
“Shit man.” Your friend might say.
Soon you'll get a grip on yourself and decide to think rationally. You'll call the girl and tell her how to walk to your location, then you'll park the car in a parking spot and call a cab and head back to the party with an amazingly hot seventeen year old and act like nothing has happened. The night is young and you won't let something like four destroyed tires kill your buzz. You'll arrive back at the party with a smile on your face because you've got the best looking piece of ass there, and nobody has to know her real age.
After, she starts making a fool out of herself after one drink and its time to take her home. You have no wheels, literally, so you go up to someone you know, tell them you crashed your car driving drunk and you need to take this hot chick home to make her curfew because mommy will get worried. You'll get the keys to this person’s car without question, Volkswagen Golf. You'll drive to a secluded area and begin to make out with this girl. You're both drunk and caring went out the window hours ago. Soon you'll find out those breasts aren't breasts at all, just one big padded bra. It spoils the mood. You then rush her home and never talk to her again. You drive home in the car that’s not yours then you pass out. A new day begins.
You end up having to buy four new rims and tires for you car the very next day. $2000 dollars cash comes out of your pocket and you laugh like it was worth it, but it wasn't. You lose some touch with reality as you are desensitized by the whole event.
You continue to get drunk despite what happens and enjoy your weekends. A few minor things happen here and there and then again you find yourself in a situation that a sober person would avoid. You're at a gas station picking up a pack of gum, drunk, with that same best friend from before. A girl, only a mother could love, is standing there next to you looking mighty fine through your beer goggles. You strike up a conversation. You get some fast food and you go to her place; a trailer in the biggest trailer park you think you've ever seen. Things are looking up. You continue to drink. She seduces you and you forget the formalities.
Two weeks later it hurts to pee. Sometimes it feels like you need to pee, but you don't. Seems like that girl gave you a little something to remember her by, but all you want to do is forget. You should have known not to pick up girls at gas stations that live in trailer parks. Damn, alcohol strikes again.
Eventually you'll work up the nerve to head to the clinic, get tested, and get the cure. You'll feel a lot better and have another lesson about alcohol learned. This should be the lesson that straightens you out. It doesn't matter, because life is boring without these horrible mistakes and you keep on going and going.
Finally you make one of the worst mistakes of your life and only then does reality hit you in the face. Your friend goes to jail and gets pinned with everything. You wake up. You stop drinking and start thinking. Your friend gets out, barely, and you begin to pay and make it all go away. Every time after that you then understand your own limits. From that day on, you vow to never let things get out of hand again. The thing is it never should have gotten out of hand in first place. It ends up making for an interesting read though doesn't it? There is a plus side to all mistakes, no matter what they are. Try to learn from mine and avoid your own misadventures.