Pisces

It was a saturday night, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, just by myself enjoying my own company. After all I thrive off my own company. Then I saw him, this tall handsome guy, piercing blue eyes, a smile that made me sink lower in my chair, an air that I was intrigued by, I sensed something about him that I liked. We spoke, made a date for the saturday coming up. I was excited, that usually doesnt happen with me, I am the one who usually has to force myself to go on dates, and force to enjoy myself, kinda like an actress who is palying a really bad role. Anyways, we went out, we had some drinks, some real good conversations, it seemed magical. It really did. He was saying how he has morals, he likes to be with one person, he wants to become a better person, and feels ready to do that because he is fed up with all the bullshit about people, he seemed like he had a conscious, a heart, he seemed like me. We ended up spending everyday together from that point on. It was wierd, I never thought I would want to be in the company of someone all the time, again, usually I am the one who swims away and spends more time with myself than with anyone, but for the first time in my life, I didnt have that feeling. I felt like this was ok, that is was actually really good, the fact that I enjoy seeing this person's face everyday, and wondering why we met? The meaning, etc. He said he usually never sits out in front of his work that day we met, and then he said he had a feeling, to come over and talk to me, "I usually never do this sort of thing, it's not very cofterable, but it was so natural when I came up to you, it 's like I HAD to come up". His words.
We talked about so many issues, many wich were so hard to bring up, like my fears, strengths, my true feelings, life changes, fears about getting older, about my parents dying, seeing them age and how wierd it feels etc. He basically went down to the bottom of the ocean, found my treasure chest, managed to open it even with all the locks that were on it, and he carassed all my emotions, good or bad. He even went as far to lock my chess back up, kissed it and looked at it with such admiration, such passion, he made my chess feel as though all the cobwebs, that were in it, or sorounded them were suddenly gone, he cleaned them up. And when he locked that chess, he gave me that feeling, like he would be back to open it, more times than I think. My chess was surounded by jewels, bright, shiny beautful jewels, I couldnt even look at them too clearly because they were blinding me, they were so bright, they just made me feel so smitten, so happy, so curious as to how come suddenly my life has changed in the past month because of the effect someone can have over you. It's powerful, persuasive almost. I have spent everyday with this person, and he keeps showing me he wants to be with me, he shows me time, he actually spends most of his free time to be with me, how can there be a better way for him to show me he likes me, he truly likes and appreciates the gem that I really am. How can I be more happy? He said he loved how he has never met someone like me before, and that he sees a potential in me for his future, I tried not to listen to that too much, incase my emotions would take that to the extreme. I cant, considering it's only been a month, take it too seriously, I should always have that eye open in the back of my head, just in case, it makes you feel like hurting may be a bit easier this way, if that's the case.
It is now Friday October28, 11 in the morning, writing to you because for some reason this is the first page that came up in my favorites.
It was 9 am when I got to work today, and I heard my phone go off, but it was a"text" message, from him, but not the kind of text that makes you smile, the kind that feels like someone has literally riped out my heart from my chest, and put it back in with a missing piece, it's like he basically took the piece that he knows he had a hold on, he didnt want me to keep it, he wanted me to forget everything that has ever happened.
I thought I was in a bad dream this morning, I saw myself in the middle of a hurricane, seeing his text message and then seeing myself in the air, surrounded by trees, cars, all sorts of different objects, wind that I have never seen excist like that before, my face, pale, eyes, sunken, emotions, at a skyrocket high! I was wearing a beautiful dress, it had all these stones around the waist, green velour , it was stunning. I still looked like the goddess mermaid I truly am. Is that myu chameleon speaking? Who knows.. I was fighting against all these forces that I have never fought before, like all of a sudden spirits on our other world have confronted me , and have given me no choice in the matter. As if everything I have ever wanted in a guy was destroyed, all my thoughts raped, robbed my some force that I want to believe took over, not actually believeing it was actually him who did this. So is it a wonder why I am writing all this, when at 9am he sends me a text saying "This isnt gonna work, dont ever call me again!! I love somebody else. "
So you can imagine my state of mind when I recieved that comment first thing in the morning, by a computer chip that spoke to me insetad of his voice. Another way that technology is just making it so much easier for us humans to avoid eacchother completely. I called him and of course to my "surprise" he didnt answer the phone , so I had to be the pisces survivor that I am, and say" I am not a coward, I am human and that is something you should of told me to my face but I guess your a coward, I should of used better judgement, my fault".
I'm sitting here looking out my window at work mind you, and trying to fathom all of this morning's storm. What happened? I'm flabergasted!
I am trying to take it all in. I didnt deserve this...but no one does.
. I love writing, and think it's my way of crying, and it soothes my soul that is dismembered at this present time.. So for now, I must face this and deal with it, because I am a survivor, a woman who needs and wants true love, and wont settle till she gets it. My eyes may be swelling up as we speak, but I know I wont let this guy kill whatever I know will be mine, true love, happiness, and a real sense of understanding and compassion with someone. I am not going to be afraid to live alone, to not be part of a relationship because I am striving for one that I deserve, not one that makes you feel just cofterable being in, so know that as much am I may be hurt, I will just as easily get over it and smile again, because I love myself, when was the last time you heard someone say that?
Another one may have bitten the dust, but it wont break my belief in trust, in trust that I know I will have because god damn it... I'm worth it!