Coming of Age

Lynn Wichern stepped out of the shower and mindlessly hummed Happy Birthday to herself as she took a swipe at the mirror. Happy Birthday. What a stupid phrase. Maybe it was happy back when you were celebrating double digits or turning 21, but happy birthday at 48 years old, how ludicrous. She knew that she would have to put on a show for her family. It was what she did best. But she would surprise all of them after her fabulous birthday dinner of , oh, probably pizza or sub sandwiches. Yes sir, ole Mom had a surprise for all of them. Her bag was packed and her ticket was purchased. She had leased a condo in a small beach community in Florida for the whole month of May. She knew that Kevin would be shocked. It was exactly what she wanted. Lynn stared at her reflection in the mirror. She saw a chin that she would swear had just appeared last week. There were small creases around her eyes and her mouth that no amount of make up would ever cover. She bared her teeth at herself and saw old, crooked, coffee stained teeth. “You are really something to behold. Why the hell did they ever start putting up mirrors in a place where you can see your whole self naked!” As she turned to walk into her bedroom, Lynn tripped on Kevin’s big sandals and stubbed her toe. Tears welled in her eyes as she kicked the shoe out of her way. The shoe flew out the door and just about knocked her husband in the head. She wished it had.
“Whoa there!!” Kevin hollered as he caught the flying shoe. “What are you kicking my shoes around for?” he asked innocently knowing full well that he must have left them in her path. Lynn had been unbearable as her birthday approached this year. He looked at Lynn still dripping in her towel and could not believe how his heart still pounded when he saw her like this, how beautiful she was, how much he wanted to throw her on the bed and take her right this moment. Then he caught of glimpse of her face and the tears in her eyes. “Oh baby, I’m sorry I left my stuff on the floor. But it’s nothing to cry about for pete’s sake! Get dressed! The kids are all here for your birthday. Come on now, hurry up!” With that he turned and headed back down the stairs. Lynn’s tears were just not something he wanted to deal with. He had no clue as to how to deal with her. Good grief, seems like all she had wanted for years was to be done running kids and to go back to work. Now the time had come and all she could do was cry and bitch about being fat.
Kevin Wichern was a typical 50 year old hippy. He still looked great in his jeans. Sure they were a couple sizes bigger, but the women still commented on his butt. That never seemed to bother Lynn in the past, but now…..better not joke about that! Kevin was an artist of sorts. He could draw and paint like a pro, but really preferred just painting the interior of people’s homes. He had somehow become quite sought after and had been able to make a good living in the interior design world. All it took was a couple of tokes on a joint and he could paint for hours. He had sold a few paintings at Lynn’s insistence and had made some good money. But the fact remained, he really just liked to smoke and paint and he was really good at both.
Lynn and Kevin had three grow children. Two sons, Jason, 22 and Blake 21, and one daughter, Carrie, 19. While Kevin had been building his business, Lynn stayed home and raised the kids. Seemed like all she had done for the past 18 years was attend games and practices of some sort. If it wasn’t baseball season, it was football, tennis, soccer, swimming. They had done it all. The kids had come along so close together that life had been a real whirlwind. Kevin had been a big proponent of “Let them find themselves” which translated to Lynn as “Let them do whatever, just don’t bug me about it”. As Lynn glared out the door at her husband she admonished herself, “Shake it off girl. In about two hours you are out of here”! Lynn pulled her hair back into a ponytail and threw on some jeans and a polo shirt. She checked down the hall and was satisfied that she was alone. She listened for a minute and heard her family buzzing around in the kitchen getting ready for her big birthday dinner, whatever it was. In the past, if her birthday had even been acknowledged, it had always ended being more work for her. “It’s my own fault. I did it to them and to me. Now it is my turn.” She had a moment of melancholy as she heard Jason say “Ya know Dad, Ma looks pretty damn good for her age! A couple of my friends think she hot!” Her moment was cut short when she heard Kevin laugh uproariously like that was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. Lynn shut the door and pulled out her suitcase. She did not hear Kevin as he socked Jason in the arm and said “I’ll kick some jailbait ass! The woman is mine!” The kids had all laughed and joked about how crazy their Dad was about their Mom.
All Lynn could think about was getting the hell out of there. She checked her suitcase and her carry-on. All the paper work was in order. She had already shipped a couple of boxes that would arrive that day after she did. She zipped everything up and headed down the stairs. The kids and Kevin were busy in the kitchen when she stuck her head in. For a moment she was stopped, amazed at the group of beautiful people in this room. . Carrie saw her first as she turned to place a big plate on the table. Her long strawberry blonde hair was damp and sticking to her warm face. She was wearing a pair of her brother’s cut off jeans and a big t-shirt proclaiming “I Did It In Cancun”, she was barefoot and tan and beautiful. “Mom! Happy Birthday!!” She skipped across to her mother and gave her a big sweaty hug. Lynn hugged her back and said “Thanks Baby. Wow, what have you guys got going on in here?” The room smelled like a mexican restaurant. There were balloons and a big pink donkey piñata hanging from the ceiling. Carrie was obviously very excited, as were the boys. Jason was busily stirring something on the stove, keeping his face turned away to hide the big bushy fake mustache he had just glued to his upper lip. “Happy BDay Ma!” he said without turning. Kevin and Blake met Lynn at the entry and bowed deeply. They were both in shorts and sombreros. They each took one of Lynn’s arms and escorted her to the table.
Lynn was dumbfounded by the extravagance of the feast. She had been so wrapped up in her plans that she had paid no attention to what was going on in her house. Why would she have expected anything? Kevin had just always sucked at holidays and birthdays and anniversaries and well, the way she felt today, he sucked at about everything. She thought about the big manila envelope that was hidden in her bag. Lynn shook her head and decided to join the party.
“Well, when did you people learn to cook?” Lynn leaned over the stove to get a look at what Jason was stirring so intently. She caught a glimpse of the mustache and just started laughing. “El Happy Birthday-O Mamacita” Jason said with a squeeze around her shoulders. “Carrie put me in charge of the refried beans. What do ya think?” Lynn stuck her little finger into the pot and tasted the beans. They were great. She had a little lump in her throat. Sure, today, the day she was taking her break, this was the day they all decide to be nice and sweet and think about someone besides themselves. Kevin was beaming at her across the room. He was holding a box about the size of a shoe box in his hand. “O my God” Lynn thought, “He even bought a present. He must know I am up to something and he is trying to make nice. Too little, too late.”
Kevin didn’t appear to be anything but excited about the dinner, about the present, about the whole occaision. He had no idea that Lynn would be leaving after dinner. It had never crossed Kevin’s mind that Lynn wasn’t just deliriously happy with her life. Husband, kids, nice home…..what more could a woman want. He was happy so it never occurred to him that she might not be. “What’s in the box? Is it alive???” Lynn took the box from Kevin who was practically jumping up and down with excitement.
“No it’s not alive!! Open, Open, Open!” Kevin replied with the kids chiming in.
Lynn sat down at the table and took the box from Kevin. She pulled the paper off slowly. It was even wrapped. Carrie must have done that. She opened the box and saw what looked like a photo album. On the front cover the words “The Story of Us” had been carefully stenciled on. Carrie must have done that too. Lynn did not know what to say. She opened the book and began to page through. It was perfect. Kevin had enlisted the help of the kids and they had put together an album of their lives. Lynn whispered “I don’t deserve this” with a lump in her throat. The family all responded with “What do you mean! Of course you do!!” Lynn cleared her throat and said, “You guys are making me all misty-eyed. I love it, but I’m going to look at it later. I’m afraid I’ll start bawling and ruin the day.”
They all sat down for dinner with Carrie serving as hostess. There was sangria and Mexican beer. Homemade enchiladas, refried beans, salsa and chips. They had even attempted Mexican fried ice-cream which had melted and totally flopped so they baked a pineapple upside down cake, Lynn’s favorite. It was the best family gathering that Lynn had experienced in a long time. The kids cleaned up the kitchen and went about their business. The boys, who roomed together across town were getting ready to leave. Blake gave his mom a big bear hug and whispered in her ear, “I love you Mom. I can tell that something is up with you. I hope you’re OK.” He looked deeply into her eyes. Lynn kissed his cheek and decided she better drop the bomb now. It was now or never.
“Before you guys head out of here, I want to talk to everyone.” She went in to the living room where Kevin was already sprawled on the couch watching some home decorating show. He looked up at his family. The kids all looked like they were just ready to go, but Lynn looked funny, real funny. Everyone sat down and Kevin swung his long legs over to let Lynn sit next to him. Lynn took a deep breath and was amazed at how calm she felt. “Here’s the deal. First of all, today was the best day I have had in many months. I was beginning to wonder where all of you had been while I was raising you, but today I see that maybe you were listening. I guess maybe I was just in too much of a hurry for you to grow up. To start thinking about something other than yourselves.”
Carrie looked at her mother with big blue eyes, eyes that showed genuine concern and a little bit of fear. “Mom, I know that we….” “Not yet honey” Lynn interrupted. “I’ve got something to say and I need to just say it. Two things actually. First, last week I got the results of my biopsy. Did any of you know that I found a lump in my breast? Anyway, I got the results back and it looks like I’ve got some decisions to make. Secondly, I am leaving for a month….tonight. I don’t want any of you to take me to the airport. I promise I will be back in one month. I don’ want company, I don’t want support. I just need this time for me. Alone.”
Kevin stood up and said quietly, “Kids, please tell your mother that you love her and that you will see her SOON and then leave us.” Carrie was crying uncontrollably. “I love you so much Mom! Why didn’t you share any of this with us! I love you but I am really, really mad at you right now!!” She got up and left the room. Blake, with tears staining his face just said, “I knew there was something up with you.” He hugged Lynn and followed Carrie out of the room. Jason did not move. “You are not getting rid of me that easy. I know you think that I am still just a kid. But I’m not and you have got to know that nobody loves you more than me!” “Nobody, but me” Kevin said as he hugged his oldest son. “Go on Jase. I need to talk to your Mama alone.” Jason stood up but still did not move. “Mom, why couldn’t you talk to us?” Kevin nodded to the door and Jason left. Lynn was still seated on the couch, dry-eyed. This was what she wanted. She would not be talked out of going. Kevin turned and stared at her his head shaking ever so slightly. “Cancer?? You find out you have cancer and…….and don’t even tell me? O my God Lynn! And now you tell me that you are leaving?? Leaving me??? Leaving your family? What! What is this all about! How can you do this to me?? To us??”
“It always all about you Kevin, isnt’ it!!! Lynn snapped. “Well this time it’s about me and I have to do it my way. My cab will be here in a half hour. I don’t want to spend it fighting or explaining anything to you.” There was a catch in her throat, “We used to be soul mates Kevin. Then I grew up and you didn’t. Right now I don’t want to look to your for emotional support because I can’t deal with you not being able to give me what I need. The kids will be fine. I’ll call them in a week or so. You can all ponder what life without me would be like.” She was starting to get a little wound up and her volume increased. “You know, one nice birthday dinner in 25 years and a little memory book just doesn’t make up for all the forgotten birthdays! I just can’t……” She cut herself off. She was not going to do this. Not now. Maybe not ever. “I’ve got to go get my bags.”
Kevin stood gaping at her not knowing what to say. She shoved past him and saw her children still sitting at the kitchen table. They had heard the whole conversation and were trying to keep themselves composed. Lynn looked at her children and said “I love you all, and I am sorry that I did not handle this they way you all wanted me to. I just can’t deal with it. I’ve got to go. Thanks for dinner.” Carrie buried her face in her hands. How could such a great day have gone so bad so fast. Blake touched his sister’s hand and said “Remember how she always has told us that life can change in a minute?” Carrie nodded, silently sobbing. “Well, our has” Blake said as he followed his mother up the stairs. “I’ll get your bags Mom” Blake said and picked them up without waiting for a response. “Just take them out to the porch” Lynn said, careful not to make eye contact with him. She had made it this far without breaking down, she wanted to at least make it to the plane before she lost it.
Kevin still stood in the living room not knowing quite what to do. Here his wife had dropped this big cancer bomb on him and now she was walking out the door. That’s just not the way Lynn usually handled her life. He had no idea what to do so he stood and watched as Blake carried his mother’s luggage to the porch while Carrie cried in the background. Jason had begun to pace in the kitchen, confused as to why his Dad was letting her go. He stormed into the living room. “What is the matter with you? Do something! Anything!!” But Kevin just stood, frozen and staring. A horn honked and Lynn walked out the door without so much as a look over her shoulder. She was silently repeating to herself, “Let me get on the plane without looking back. I need this, I really do.” As the cab rolled away from the curb, Blake stood alone on the driveway. Tears blurred his eyes as he whispered a prayer “God be with her, please! Walk with her on this journey and help us all to understand and trust in Your plan.” He walked slowly back into the very quiet house.

Chaper 2
The airport was busy as usual. Her flight was on time. The noise and activity were just the distraction she needed. Lynn found her terminal, checked her luggage and sat down to wait. She pulled out her pamphlet from Indian Rocks Beach where her condo awaited her. “Indian Rocks Beach” she thought to herself. She liked the sound of it. That was why she had chosen this community. She had never heard of it and she liked the sound of it. When her flight was called Lynn calmly walked on board and found her seat. In just a couple our hours she would be alone. Then she would allow herself to start thinking again. She blocked the faces of her husband and children from her mind. She concentrated on the little rosary she had stashed in her pocket. The rosary had always been effective in keeping her mind clear. She was never really sure if it was some kind of spiritual intervention or if just the sheer monotony of saying the prayers gave her peace.
The flight was uneventful. She had even lucked out and not been seated by some bubbly, chatty person. The guy next to her slept the whole way and never made eye contact with her once. That was OK with her. When they touched town at the Tampa airport, Lynn began to feel anxious. She was here. She had planned to stay the night in Tampa and rent a car to drive over the Bay in the morning. Everything went like clockwork. All her luggage arrived. Her hotel accommodations were good and she slept well. It was a Tuesday in May.
The next morning, Lynn woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed. She checked out of the hotel and picked up her rental. It was a cute, red Grand Am with a sunroof. Something that she had never allowed herself to want or to have. A sunroof. How could such a simple thing bring her such great pleasure right now. She packed the car and drove over the bay feeling lighthearted and young again. The sky was brilliant blue, the sun beat down, warming her skin through the open sunroof. She laughed out loud. She had done it. A whole month, all to herself, to figure out what it was that she wanted to do.
As she got closer to the beach, Lynn scrambled through her purse to find the directions to her condo. With the directions in one hand and the steering wheel in the other, she drove right to the complex. There were several little duplexes right on the beach. “Hmm, I thought this was supposed to be a condo. Hope it’s all the pamphlet touts it to be.”
As she pulled in to the parking area in front of the complex she had her first pang of guilt. Maybe because this was the first glitch since she had left home. Everything had gone so smoothly she had been able to pretend that she was just a young single girl off on a little adventure. The duplexes did not look like the picture. Her first touch of reality since she left home. “O well, I am going to go with the flow here. Guess that’s all I can do.”
She parked and knocked as she opened the door marked Office in the first duplex. An attractive older woman with snow white hair looked up from her computer and smiled pleasantly. The office was small and clean. Lots of plants and pictures of former guests, all smiling and holding up big fish or Mickey Mouse ears. Everyone looked so happy. “Can I help you? You must be Mrs. Wichern! We’ve been expecting you! My name is Carol Snow. Isn’t that funny? Look at my hair!” Lynn smiled and said “I think there must be a mistake. My brochure said that I was renting a condo and these are duplexes.” Carol Snow just laughed and nodded her head. “Well, Honey, back in the day when we opened this place, these were condos! I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. But if you are, I’ll refund your money and help you find something else.” Lynn thought for a moment and decided that sounded like a good deal to her. “OK. I’ll take a look.”
Carol was busily filling out paperwork and looking for the key. “You are in #1 Sweetie. All the way down, closest to the beach. I just had a feeling that you wanted to be closest to the beach. Don’t know what made me feel that way. But I was right wasn’t I?” Lynn studied Carol Snow with the snow white hair and nodded. “You sure were, Mrs. Snow. The beach is where I want to be.” Carol handed Lynn the key and stuck her head through the door behind her. “Jason, be a sweetie and carry Mrs. Wichern’s luggage down to 1 for her…….” Carol smiled over her shoulder and acknowledged, “My Grandson…isn’t he a doll?” Lynn was stopped by the casual calling of her own son’s name. The pangs that she had been fighting off began to gain some strength. A tall, gangly, looked about like a fifteen year old boy with a shock of white hair just about the color of his grandmother’s bounded through the door. He could not have looked less like her own Jason, but the very sight of this happy kid bouncing out the door almost made her cry. Lynn forced her mind into a holding pattern and smiled at the young man. “Thanks. I appreciate the help.” She followed Jason and Carol down the sidewalk to her new home for the next month. Lynn noticed that the landscaping was perfect. There were many little palm trees growing and many hibiscus all in full bloom. Gardening must be Carol Snow with the snow white hair’s thing. The gulf breeze was warm and gentle. Lynn could hear the rush of the ocean as it rolled gently onto the shore. Jason opened the door to the condo and Lynn was instantly charmed. It was perfect. This whole place was perfect. Her boxes had arrived and were neatly stacked in the corner of the living room. The furniture was wicker, real white wicker. There was bowl of fresh fruit on the counter in the kitchen. Carol was busily showing Lynn all the amenities, obviously proud of her offering. The refridgerator had water, condiments, eggs, milk and cheese. In the cupboard were the essentials, flour, sugar salt, pepper and a selection of other spices. There was bread in the bread box , wine in the wine rack and coffee in a can on the counter. There was even some sliced turkey and fresh tomatoes in the fridge. Jason took Lynn’s luggage to the bedroom which was equally as charming. There was a little patio off the bedroom which overlooked the water. It was all perfect. Lynn was completely satisfied. “I love it Mrs. Snow. I’m sure that I’ll be completely happy here.”
“I just knew you would! Now here is the phone number to your apartment” She handed Lynn a sheet of paper with the phone number along with a map of the local attractions, the closest grocery store and a couple of take-out numbers. Lynn slipped a couple of dollars into Jason’s hand. He beamed at her and said “Let me know if you need any help with anything heavy!. Gramma says my job this summer is to lift heavy things for her!”
“I sure will “ Lynn said with a smile. “I’ll see you both soon I’m sure. Thanks for your help. I really do love it here!” Carol and Jason walked back down the sidewalk and Lynn was alone to survey her surroundings. She opened the first box and began to place some of her books and her laptop on the bookshelf. “I’ve got all kinds of time to unpack. Think I’ll go check out the beach.” Lynn said out loud. She delighted in opening the patio doors in her bedroom and heading out to the beach. It was still morning quiet. The sun was already so bright that Lynn had to grab her sunglasses before she went out. There was a short walkway to a little bridge that went straight down to the beach. As everything else on this property, the landscaping was beautiful. Lynn stood on the bridge for a few moments and glanced around at her surroundings. There was a cottage adjacent to the condo that she assumed must be the Snow residence. Mrs. Snow had created a little Shangri-la in her back yard. As she looked the other direction, she saw what must be hotels and hotel beaches. There were tiny dots of people wandering the beach, picking up shells. Lynn was happy to be at the other end where it was quiet. A small movement caught her eye and she turned to see what it was. There on Mrs. Snow’s patio sat a woman. She could barely see her, but she was beautiful. So serene. Lynn tried to catch her eye and wave, but the woman looked away. “Hmm. I wonder if that is Jason’s mom. Doesn’t appear she wants company right at the moment. Maybe she feels about life like I do.” Lynn didn’t want to think about her own life so she dismissed the woman on the patio. She just wanted to revel in her independence and her solitude. She knew that once she let her brain start thinking, it would be all over. “Think I’ll grant myself a little more time.” She thought. Still not ready to unpack, Lynn decided to venture out into the community and do a little grocery shopping. Mrs. Snow had been so sweet to leave the basics in there for her. But Lynn wanted to pick up a few things so that when she did start to unpack and her world of reality came crashing down, she would not have to leave again until she was ready. By this time it was almost noon. Lynn decided to stop in at a café just down the block from her condo. She was delighted with the café. It was very “Florida-Style” with big palms and lots pictures of people holding up fish. It was commercial, but also held a very personal charm. She sat down in a booth and waited for her server. The young woman who waited on her looked to be about 18 years old. Maybe this was her first job. She seemed a little unsure of herself. Lynn felt another pang as she though of Carrie, sobbing at the kitchen table. “Dismiss the thought, I’m not ready to deal with all of the that”, Lynn thought to herself. Out loud she greeted the girl and quickly ordered a soup and sandwich combo. Yes the clam chowder was great the girl had assured her. As she waited for her lunch, Lynn stared out the window and wondered how she could possibly feel the way she was feeling. “What is wrong with me” she said under her breath. “Why, I don’t think there is one single thing wrong with you Darlin’”. Lynn looked up with surprise, not realizing that she had spoken loud enough for anyone to hear. Mrs. Snow was seated at the table right behind her. “I’m so happy to see you here! This is my favorite little lunch spot! May I join you?” Lynn was hesitant, still feeling the desire to be left to her thoughts, but she didn’t have the heart to refuse Carol Snow, with the snow white hair. “Well sure, Mrs. Snow. I didn’t realize I was talking out loud. Come on over. I just ordered.” Lynn patted the table in front of her trying to look pleased about having company at her lunch table. Carol seemed oblivious to her hesitation and sat right down. “You know, Mrs. Wichern, or…..may I call you Lynn? I’d sure like it if you would just call me Carol! This Mrs stuff makes me feel like an old lady!” Lynn smiled and nodded in agreement. “It’s a deal. No more formal stuff.” Carol was pleased at her response. “Anyway, Lynn, you have obviously got something on your mind. Now, I ‘m not going to pressure you to talk about it. You’ll talk when you’re ready. But I want to share a little story with you. Is that alright? If I share a little story with you?” Carol clearly planned on sharing her story, so Lynn smiled and nodded thinking, “Well, if she’s doing the talking, that means that I’m not.”
Carol took a sip of her tea and gazed out the window, seemingly lost in thought for a moment. When she looked back at Lynn her eyes were misty. Lynn couldn’t help but wonder what had happened in this perky little woman’s life to make her so melancholy at the thought of it. But Carol surprised Lynn. “On second thought, I don’t guess I really want to share my story that much right at this moment. Why don’t you tell me about your children.” Lynn was taken aback by the swift change. “How’d you know I have children?” Carol smiled a knowing smile. “You do don’t you?” Lynn replied, “Well yes. Three actually. Almost grown up children. But if you don’t mind, I don’t really want to talk about them right now.” Carol laughed and touched Lynn’s hand. “Now here we are, a couple of woman who just have all kinds of things they don’t want to talk about! Let me tell you a little bit about this community.” Safe territory for both of them, the conversation went easily from there. Carol insisted on buying lunch for the two of them then she hurried off laughing about leaving that adorable grandson of hers in charge of the phone. Who knows what might happen she was saying as she left. Lynn ordered a cup of coffee and stared out the window for a little while longer. She knew that she needed to get back to her new home and start unpacking.
Chapter 3
Kevin Wichern did not sleep that night. He had sent the boys home and Carrie upstairs. He did not want to see them, to try to explain anything to them. He just wanted to think this through by himself. He went up to their bedroom and sat on the bed. The room was so very empty . There were signs of Lynn all over the place. Her cologne, her nightgown hanging of the back of the bathroom door. He rolled back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Kevin had not the slightest idea as to how to handle this. Lynn had not even left a phone number. He noticed her cell phone on the dresser. “She really wants to be left alone.” He said aloud. What on earth was going on with her. Lynn had always had her crazy moments, you know, around “that time of the month”. But to up and leave him and the kids like they didn’t even matter, well that just was not like her. Breast cancer? He could hardly digest all of this. Was she going to be OK? How was he going to handle the kids while she had this little breakdown. How could she have dropped this bomb on her family and then just left them. Kevin paced the room and was startled when Carrie pushed the door open. “Dad, why didn’t you do something? How could you just let her walk out the door like that?” Carrie’s voice was gaining strength.
“You could have stopped her you know!” Kevin looked at his daughter, suddenly feeling like he was the child and she the adult. “I don’t think so Honey. I just don’t think I could have. Mom needs this time. I guess she feels like we have let her down. Well, that I have let her down..” Carrie could not stop the tears again. “Is she going to die Dad?” She sat down on the edge of the bed cupping her chin in her hands, tears dripping to the floor. “I don’t know Carrie. I know as much as you do. I’ll call her doctor today and see what I can find out. Don’t worry. We are going to get through this.” Kevin sat down next to his daughter and brushed the hair from her eyes. She looked just like Lynn. Beautiful just like her mother. He kissed the top of her head. “We’ll figure it out.” He wished that he was really as confident as he sounded. Carrie stood up and said “I’m going to call the boys to come over so we can make a plan. We need a plan. We are not going to let Mom down again!” Kevin agreed that a family meeting was in order. “You call the boys and tell them to come over first thing and I will call the doctor and get what information I can. Deal?” “It’s a deal” Carrie agreed.


Chapter 4
Lynn wandered back to her condo and began to unpack the rest of her boxes. The place started to take on her personality as the little knickknacks she brought from home were placed around. Lynn had always had a knack for decorating. She could make any room look like home. That’s what Kevin always said. She was still not ready to start thinking about home or him so she quickly dismissed the thought of him. After the boxes were emptied, Lynn put them out by the trash dumpster. She wondered if anyone else would be staying here. It was so quiet right now. Too quiet really. She flipped the stereo on and went to work on her suitcases. She emptied the small one quickly and tossed it on the floor. When she hoisted the big one up on the bed she noticed an odd shape pushing out in the front. “What on earth is that” she said out loud. She was a little nervous about unzipping it. She knew that she had not packed anything odd shaped. She knew that the manilla envelope was on top. The results of her biopsy and the recommendations of her doctor. “Oh Hell” she said out loud and quickly unzipped the suitcase. Much to her surprise the odd shaped package was the photo album that her family had put together for her birthday. She was stopped for a moment. “They are not going to let me off easy are they” she thought. There was a small note stuck on the front of the book. She stared at it for a few seconds then grabbed it. The note simply read,
Dear Mom, we are here for you. All of us, but mostly me. Love Blake
Lynn could picture her sweet boy, the concern on his face. She knew that she needed to call them. Tomorrow. She would call them all tomorrow. Today she was still young Lynn. Free of responsibility and in good health. It would have to wait til tomorrow. Lynn opened the dresser drawer and gently placed the book and the note inside. Then she picked up the manilla envelope and looked at it. She gritted her teeth and put it in the drawer next to the album. Tomorrw, she thought again. A knock on the door startled her. Lynn opened the door to find Jason standing there balancing a box and a big jug. Lynn grabbed the jug from him. “Grandma says you’ll love this stuff. She makes it fresh and she has so much she always gives it away.” Lynn looked in the box. It was loaded with fresh tomatoes and oranges and several other fruits that were unfamiliar to Lynn. The jug contained fresh squeezed orange juice. “From your Grandma’s garden? How wonderful! Thanks a bunch! Would you like to come in a share some with me?” Jason smiled and shook his head. “No thanks. Gram says you need your time right now. Maybe some other time.” “Alright. Next time. And tell your Grandma thanks!” Lynn was secretly relieved that the boy declined her offer. She was delighted with the box of goodies and decided to sample some of the fruit. She took an orange out on her balcony with a cold bottled water. The ocean was a little choppy. It looked like it might rain a little later. That was OK with Lynn. She felt very cozy and content listening to the waves, her music playing softly in the background. She brought out her new journal. Her doctor had suggested that journaling might help her to sort through her feelings about her recent diagnosis. Lynn thought it might help her sort out her feelings about her husband as well. She thought about Kevin briefly. She knew he would be freaking out by now. She figured he would be all about how this was affecting him. She was instantly agitated as she thought about him. She pictured his rugged good looks, sandy blonde hair and cut off jeans. Why couldn’t he just grow up the way the rest of the world had? He could charm her into bed and piss her off within minutes. She could absolutely never count on him for any type of emotional support. But he could make her laugh. “What the hell good is laughter when you are looking at cancer.” she muttered under her breath. Lynn leaned her head back and closed her eyes. The afternoon was warm and balmy. She could taste the salt in the air. The soft splash of the ocean waves and the breeze from the approaching storm finally lulled her to sleep. Lynn awakend to the crash of thunder and the pound of rain on her roof. She felt drugged. “I wonder how long I have slept.” She stood up and stretched, enjoying the soft rain. The temperature had dropped and she was actually shivering a little. Lynn turned to open her door when she saw the woman sitting on Mrs. Snow’s patio again. The woman looked at Lynn and smiled a blank smile at her. The wind caught the door and nearly knocked Lynn down. As she regained her balance she turned to return the smile to the woman and was surprised to find her gone. Lynn shrugged and hurried inside. It was dark and chilly and more than a little eerie outside. She locked the door behind her and opened a bottle of wine. Probably a big mistake. The wine would probably make her sad before it made her sleepy, but ultimately, it would put her to sleep. She ate more fruit and polished off the bottle of wine and fell into the deep sleep of bone weary stress. She had wild and violent dreams. The ocean crashing and seagulls screaming. She dreamed of her own funeral. Her children’s faces. Kevin’s pout. The woman next door. The faces were all swirling around like a tornado. She woke up in a sweat with a start. The storm had passed and it was quiet again. Lynn had the overwhelming urge to step out her back door and walk on the beach. She had always wanted to walk on the beach at dawn. But Kevin never could understand. “We’re on vacation, for crying out loud” he’d say. “Let’s sleep in!” And so she would lay in bed until the family dictated it was time to get up. As she walked slowly along the shore, the thought, “I did it to myself. If I’d have just gotten up and made him deal with the kids once in awhile, maybe I would not feel so burnt out now.” Out loud she said “And now I have cancer! He cheated me out of my walks on the beach and now I have cancer!”
“So that’s your deal” a soft voice responded. Lynn nearly passed out from fright. She had been so engrossed in her own thoughts that she hadn’t even noticed the man walking toward her on the beach. “O my God! Please don’t hurt me!” She started backing up and turned to run the opposite direction. The man ran to catch up with her. He was tall with dark brown eyes and hair and he ran like an athlete. “Are you Mrs. Wichern? Lynn? I’m Tom Snow, Carol’s son. It’s OK, really! She just told me about you last night.” Lynn slowed her pace and took a good look at him. “I’m Jason’s dad. We live here with my mom. She said she liked you right away. But that she was worried about you. She didn’t know that you have cancer.” Lynn was surprised by his candor and his genuine warmth but did not want to trust it.. “Well, now you know so I guess she will know. I’m not really ready to talk about it and I don’t appreciate your sneaking up on me like this. Good Lord! I though you were going to attack me!” “I’m sorry about that” Tom laughed. “I was just as surprised to run into you. I come out every morning for the sunset. I work over in the Tampa and never get home til late so this is my only beach time. I didn’t mean to intrude in your private thoughts. Maybe we’ll talk again some time.” Tom turned around and headed back the opposite direction. “Nice meeting you” he said and disappeared into the darkness of morning. Lynn was shaken by the meeting and headed back to her patio. Not only was Lynn shaken with fright, Tom Snow was undoubtedly the most attractive man she had ever laid eyes on. And that laugh. Lynn did not know how to respond to him. It made her feel a little bit like a teenager. That rush of animal attraction. She felt ridiculous for even thinking the thought and quickly tried to dismiss it. Lynn found herself glancing over toward Carol’s patio to see if her son was still outside. “Stop it!” she said out loud. The sun was up and the day promised to be beautiful. Lynn decided to give herself another day before dealing with the items she had placed in the dresser drawer. With coffee brewing and toast in the toaster, the condo felt just like home. Lynn poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down on the little patio. The beach was beginning to come to life. There were several early morning joggers that caught her eye. Maybe she’d start running again. It seemed that there had just been no time for exercise while the kids were growing up. Just then she remembered the toast that she had started and went to check on it. Much to her surprise there was smoke pouring out of the toaster. Lynn grabbed a towel and opened the front door. Coughing a little, she threw the toaster out the door. “Hey!” a voice said. “ I know I startled you earlier, but I didn’t think you wanted to toast me!” Lynn was horrified to see that the toaster had almost blacked Tom Snow’s left eye. “O my gosh, I am so sorry!” She rushed out the door. “It was burning……I didn’t even look, just opened and tossed!” Tom laughed and said, “Well, I guess I’ll have to check that when I get home tonight. Maybe you have a short in your outlet. Don’t worry, I’ll take a look at it later. Just don’t plug anything else in OK?” “OK” Lynn agreed. “You don’t have to come by. I can talk to your Mom about calling an electrician. I know you work late and everything.” Tom laughed again. “I don’t think Mom has called an electrician in 20 years! First my Dad did it and now it’s my job! See you tonight, OK?” “Well OK then.” Lynn said. “I guess I’ll see you this evening. Uh, thanks….and sorry about the near miss.” Lynn closed her door and found herself feeling excited about the prospect of Tom Snow visiting her this evening. She took her time in the shower, deciding that a little self pampering was not a bad thing. She found herself day dreaming about Tom and nearly cut her leg. Lynn had to laugh at herself. She took out her journal and made an entry for the new day. “I feel like a school girl with a crush. I can’t wait for Tom to come see me tonight. I haven’t felt that kind of electricity in a long time! Maybe ever! I think I’ll give myself one more day. On Friday I will deal with my life. Until then, I’m going to pretend that I am young and free.” That decision made, Lynn decided to do a little shopping. She wanted to look good for Tom tonight.
Chapter 5
Kevin talked at length to Lynn’s doctor, Karen Nelson. Needless to say, the doctor was very surprised at how Lynn had handled the announcement. “Maybe she just needs time to digest all of this, Kevin. I think we are going to lick this thing, but you need to be aware that there are just no guarantees.” “I know that” Kevin acknowledged. “We are all scared to death and we can’t even talk to her.” Dr. Nelson nodded and placed a concerned hand on Kevin’ shoulder. “I can kind of understand how she feels. I see many different responses to this kind of news. Lot’s of women just go into shut-down until they can process the options. Don’t lose heart, and mostly, don’t disappear on her. She just thinks she wants to do this by herself. She’ll call when she’s ready. I’ve given her three weeks to make a decision, so I’m sure you’ll hear from her by then.”
Kevin thanked the doctor and left her office. He knew that Carrie and the boys would be waiting at the house for him. He needed a smoke real bad but decided that maybe it would be a better idea to stay straight when he was dealing with the kids. He could relax later. Kevin took his time getting home. He was in no hurry to have this meeting with his children. He knew that they would be looking to him for answers. He had never been the guy with the answers. He had always just made the money and been the big playmate. Lynn had always complained about his lack of involvement with the family. But he always felt like his presence was enough. Now he was facing them and he had no answers. He still had no idea why she had reacted the way she did. But he suspected that he would be finding out sooner or later. Kevin pulled into his driveway and saw that all the kids’ cars were there. He looked at the house, their home, his and Lynn’s and the kids. It was not huge, but very nice and had accommodated them well through the years. He had no idea that Lynn had been so unhappy in this house. He tried to picture the house without Lynn in it, running the show like she always did. He could not even conjure up an image. It was impossible to think of this place as home without Lynn. He would do the best he could with the kids. They would figure it out, the four of them.

Carrie opened the door and saw her dad sitting in his car looking like a lost puppy. She felt a little sorry for him, but not that much. She believed that her mom would be there if he had been able to be a little more emotionally available to her. Blake was sitting at the computer looking up flights. He had searched through the history on the computer looking for any trace of what flight his mother had taken and where she might have gone. So far he’d had no luck. She had certainly covered her tracks. Blake scratched his head and looked up at his brother. “Geez Jason, where the heck could she be? Did we do this?” Jason grunted, “No way man, Dad’s to blame for this! If he wasn’t so busy doing his own thing she would have stuck around here and let us help her through this.” Carrie opened the door a little wider and waved at her dad. “Come in Dad! It won’t change anything to sit out there in your car!” Kevin nodded and smiled at his daughter. “Guess I’ll have to go be a Dad” he muttered under his breath. Just as he feared, they pounced on him as soon as he walked through the door. “What did you find out?” Jason asked immediately. “I know as much now as I did before I talked Doc Nelson. She says it’s a stage three level, which means, dangerous, but still treatable. Now they will look to see if it’s anywhere else in her body.” Kevin was speaking in an even tone, like he was announcing that his wife had the flu. He was determined to keep himself together for the kid’s sake, if not his own. If he let his emotions come to the surface he wasn’t sure what would come out. He was still very angry with her about the way she had handled the situation. Kevin didn’t want his children to see him being mad at their mom because she had cancer. That’s what they would think. Hell, it was what Lynn thought. “So what’s the plan?” Kevin asked and looked around the room. Jason was pacing, Blake was still at the computer and Carrie was staring out the living room window. Just then Blake shouted, “I found it! She was on a flight to Tampa! Damn that was easy!!” Blake was the computer genius in the family. He could find anything on line and he had not let them down. “Here it is. She arrived in Tampa on Monday night. Now, where she went from there, who knows.” Carrie looked at Blake with big blue eyes and said simply, “Call every car rental in Tampa. She had to have transportation.” “Great idea!” Jason chimed in. “Print off a list and we’ll start calling!” The family was a blur of activity as they set to work. Kevin was astounded at the maturity he saw in his brood. Their mother had raised them right. It certainly had not come from him. It took them several hours, but they did eventually find the list with all the rental places. They split up the lists and started calling every single one. Kevin slipped out to the back yard where he could smoke. He had never felt so useless in his life. The kids didn’t even notice that he had left. They never even offered to let him help. He lit his joint and inhaled deeply. He felt better instantly. Kevin leaned back on the swing and slowly let the smoke escape from his mouth and nose. He closed his eyes for a moment and was startled by the door opening. “Dad, what are you doing! We’re in there busting our tails and you are out here getting high! You make me sick!” Kevin hung his head as his daughter berated him. He liked to think that his habit was a secret. But obviously, it was not. Carrie turned around to leave and then swung around and said, “Well, in case you are interested, we found her. She rented a car and drove to a place called Indian Rocks Beach.” Kevin was amazed at how resourceful they were. Carrie continued “Blake is looking for a flight. Do you even want to go?” “Of course I do!” Kevin replied. “You guys better let me go first and get this all figured out with your mom.” Reluctantly Kevin put out his joint and carefully
stuffed it in his pocket. He didn’t want it to go to waste, but Carrie was right, he should be inside participating right now.

Kevin watched his children all hovering around the computer in the family room. They were despondent, sick with worry about their mother. Blake turned around in his chair and said “OK Dad…hand over the credit card. We are going to Florida”. Kevin took a deep breath. “Are you sure that your Mom wants to be found? I’ve know her for longer than you guys. I have a feeling that we need to give her a little space right now.” For the first time in a long time, maybe ever, Kevin had a feeling that he was doing the right thing. Lynn was obviously in a state of shock and was trying to figure out how to handle the imminent changes in her life. Carrie looked at her father with panic in her eyes. “What do you mean she might not want to be found? Of course she wants to be found! This is all a big test to see how much we love her!!” Carrie burst into tears again. “She wouldn’t do that to us!! Not want to be found???? No way!!” Suddenly Kevin began to feel like the Dad again. He wrapped his arms around his daughter. Somehow, he knew the right thing to say. “Honey, I don’t think that this has anything to do with you or the boys, or even me. I think this is all about her and I think we need to respect that”. Blake looked at his sister and said, “He might be right Carrie. I think we might need to give her a few days anyway. Jason, you agree?” Jason nodded. “Whatever you guys think. Let’s get a plan though.” Kevin had never been more proud of his family. “Let’s give it til the weekend anyway. I’m sure she will call.” The decision was made. Now they had to try to wait patiently. It would be a long five days.