My Green Toe, Joe

My Green Toe, Joe

It was looking at me. I swear it! Everyone always says, “Larry, your toe doesn’t have eyes. How can it stare at you?” But they don’t get it. It doesn’t need eyes. I can feel its glare. I try not to pay attention, but if you have had someone stare at you then you know how hard it is to look away. Sometimes I try to distract myself from the toe. I’ll play Monopoly or watch Jerry Springer, but no matter what, my mind wanders to my toe. I can feel its stare. Its evil glare. That tickles my hair. It’s just not fair! Sorry, I thought I was Dr. Seuss for a minute. Since we are on that subject I might as well mention this, I hate rhymes. They drive me crazy. Another thing that drives me crazy is the color green. I don’t know why she swallowed the fly perhaps she’ll die. Damn it! I did it again. I really only meant to write I don’t know why. Sometimes when I start to write I incorporate a famous rhyme. Anyway, this story isn’t about all of this. It is about my toe. A horrible story of my toe. That evil little bastard that caused me so much trouble.

One day, I was innocently trying to watch my favorite television show, Dora the Explorer. I was watching intently trying to help Dora find her way to the Tallest Mountain when all of a sudden Swiper came on the screen. He was out to steal Dora’s map. I joined in with the screaming of “Swiper no swiping!” and out of nowhere the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up. It couldn’t be! I looked down at my foot. It was. My toe was right there staring at me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached down and grabbed my toe. Then I did something that was violent and extremely mean. I choked it and choked it until it was disgustingly green. Ugh! I did that damn rhyming thing again. Anyway, back to my story. I let go before I killed my toe and I felt really bad. I couldn’t believe I had just let my anger take control of me. “I’m sorry,” I said sincerely to my toe. He looked at me and almost looked like he forgave me. However, he didn’t I soon found out. As I sat there looking at him I noticed the faintest line on my toe. The line turned to a scratch and then to a wide opening. It looked just like a mouth. My toe looked up at me and said, “I don’t forgive you. Get a clue. You did something mean. You choked me until I was green.” My toe rhymed when he talked. He was also now green. He represented everything that I hated. I couldn’t take it anymore and so I screamed, “I hate you toe. You are everything I hate. I want you to go away and never return.” I yelled at him at the top of my lungs. And then at the bottom of my lungs. And then once somewhere in between. Then I started speaking from the bottom of my heart and from the side of my stomach.

My toe looked up and looked deeply hurt and a little confused. “My name isn’t toe, it just happens to be Joe. I can’t believe that you didn’t know!” my toe, Joe, blurted between his sobs. I felt bad for him until he stretched over to one of my other toes and bit a chunk out of it. A searing pain drove me mad. I ran to my knife drawer and ripped out a good sized knife. I brought it upon my toe like a strike of lightning. I looked down at my now severed toe. I tried to get a good look at it but the room started to spin and dance around me. Next thing I knew the room decided to hide in the dark. I couldn’t see it anymore and I felt like I was floating.

When my eyes finally opened again my toe was gone. I looked everywhere for it. In my search I found a note on a little piece of paper. It read:
My dear dear Larry,
This last event was scary. I ran away from home because I want to be alone. I’m sick of being your toe. I just want to be Joe. So, don’t come after me or you’ll make me angry. Just leave me be and you’ll see that I won’t go to your home. I’ll leave you alone.
Your Toe,
Joe
I couldn’t believe it. My toe is gone forever. Now I wish that I didn’t have such a bad temper. It always gets me into trouble. I hope that there is someway to make it up to my poor little toe. Wait a minute. I don’t even like my toe. Shouldn’t this be a happy thing? That makes me want to sing. Ughh! Stupid rhyming.

Weeks passed by without my toe. These were the greatest weeks I have ever lived. I stopped rhyming and I haven’t seen the color I so despise. I would’ve said the name of the color but it would’ve created a rhyme. However, one downfall to not having my toe, it makes it so I can’t balance properly. Without a big toe no one can balance. This is a big problem because it prevents me from walking.

At first, it was hard to get used to not walking. I couldn’t get to my food so I had find things around me to eat. After eating most of the chair I was sitting in I decided that it was time for a new method of moving around. I taught myself how to walk on my hands. However, this didn’t work either. I still couldn’t balance and my hands hurt from being stepped on. Maybe I could try using my hands as feet and my arms as legs.

I flipped myself around in the chair so my hands were closer to the ground. I started off slowly. I put one hand down and then the other. I tried to practice my hand walking before I actually trusted it. It seems like I can do this. I flipped my feet up so that I was completely upside down and started hand walking. It works. I now have a way to move around. I walk to my food cupboard and realized that I had a new problem. I don’t have any hands to open things with. My hands are already in use. I give up on food for now. I slowly hand walked back to my chair. When I got to my chair I noticed that Jerry Springer was on. Maybe I could watch it and forget about my problems for a while.

As I stared at the screen a commercial came on. I never really paid much attention to commercials unless they had food or a toy involved. Oh, cartoons get my attention too. I love cartoons. But this one caught my attention really quickly. A man in a business suit appeared on the screen: Did you lose one of your big toes and are you now forced to walk on your hands? We know how you feel. Thousands of people have this problem and are finding it hard to open things without the use of their hands. Well now we have a solution for you. Come down to your local Borne’s Solutions and get a trained helper- monkey surgically implanted on your back. This monkey listens to your commands and works as your hands. He understands many different languages for you to communicate with. Such as: Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, French, Spanish, German, Russian, American English, European English, Drunken Banter, Mumbling, and he even knows 53 grunting dialects. This is what I need. A monkey on my back.

I got on my hands and started hand walking to the Borne’s Solutions near me. A few hours later, hand walking is very tiring so I took numerous brakes, I walked up to the front door of the shop. I was a little nervous walking in to the store. I was about to have a monkey attached to my back. This wasn’t a small thing. It could change my whole life. I took a deep breath and walked in the door. A little bell sounded off above my feet. This was a good omen. I liked bells. They’re shiny. I walked up to the guy at the counter. He smiled his salesman smile as he greeted me, “Welcome to Borne’s Solutions, what can I do for you?” He took a quick look at me and before I could answer his question he said, “Ah, you’re here for a helper monkey implant, aren’t you?” Wow. How did he guess that? This guy must be psychic. “Uh, yeah” I blurted.

He showed me to a back room in the building. The room was tiny and smelled like a hospital. In the middle of the room there was a big metal table. It had dark reddish brown spots all over it. “Just lie down on that table over there” he directed pointing at the table. I hand walked over to the table and tried to hop up onto it. After a few failed attempts I gave the salesman a pleading look. He lifted me onto the table and said, “Ok, now I need to give you this shot before the operation. It will make you unconscious so the operation can go more smoothly.” I was a little nervous about the shot but I quickly got over it. Mostly because it was pretty shiny, I love shiny things, but also because I passed out soon after it touched my skin.

I woke up in my bed under my Blue’s Clues comforter. I guess it was all a dream. But wait. I couldn’t see. For some reason everything appeared as black. Maybe it wasn’t a dream and the surgery caused me to go blind. So, they tried to make me forget about it. They knocked me out and brought me to my bed to make me think it was all a dream. I kept thinking of different things that could have made me blind until I realized that my eyes were actually closed. I wasn’t blind after all. I leaped off my bead and instantly I fell to the floor. My balance was way off. Which could only mean one thing: I was missing my big toe. It wasn’t a dream. I looked down at my foot and sure enough, I had no big toe. Well, if that part wasn’t a dream than maybe the helper monkey part wasn’t a dream either. I crept my hand around to my back and felt around. Nothing. Just my hairy back with its mouth open. Oh my god! I don’t have a hairy back. Or a mouth on my back. I had a helper monkey on my back.

I kept looking through the manual. I wanted to make sure that I knew everything about my new helper monkey. I opened up to the first page. The first page read:

Your Helper Monkey and You
Chapter 1: Controlling Your Monkey
Chapter 2: Keeping Your Monkey Happy
Chapter 3: Biting and Scratching
Chapter 4: Feeding Your Monkey
Chapter 5: What To Do With A Dead Monkey That Is Stuck On Your Back

There was a lot to having a monkey surgically implanted on your back. I figured it would be a little simpler. But I already had it attached so I better know my stuff. I started chapter 1:

Chapter 1: Controlling Your Monkey
To start using your monkey you must first determine its gender. There are many way to do this. Some more pleasant than others. For now, let’s try one of the simpler methods. Ask your monkey if they would like some low fat yogurt. You should be able to determine their gender from their response.

I stopped right there so I could figure out its gender. “Would you like some low fat yogurt?” I asked it. For the next ten minutes the monkey screeched constantly biting and scratching me. It was definitely a female. I quickly looked up the biting and scratching chapter.

Chapter 3: Biting and Scratching
When your monkey gets upset or agitated it may bite or scratch you. Discipline is a must. However, there are specific ways to discipline your monkey. Some think that it is ok to spank your monkey but whatever you do don’t spank it. It will only further agitate your monkey and could cause blindness in you. What you should do is threaten to tell its father. It works perfectly.

As soon as I read that last part I yelled out, “Don’t make me tell your father!” The monkey calmed down. I went back to chapter one so I could figure out how to control my monkey.

After determining gender you know how to talk to your monkey. If it is female, you should plan out everything you want to say before you say it. This is a very important step. Once you have this in mind, you can give your monkey commands in any of its known dialects. A list is attached to the back of the book.

I wanted to test my monkey out. I hopped on my hands and hand walked over to my food cabinet. “Open the cabinet and pass me a snack,” I tried. I could feel movement on my back where the monkey was. She placed a cupcake in my hand. I went to take a bite out of it. Then I remembered that the monkey was a girl. “Thank you,” I said before biting into my cupcake.
Days went by and I got more and more attached to my helper monkey. It was so handy. Everything I used to use my hands for the monkey would do for me. I no longer needed to feed myself or even scratch my butt. This monkey was the best thing to ever happen to me. I am glad that I lost my temper and cut off my toe. Speaking of my toe, you are probably thinking, “I thought he said this story was about his toe. Why is he talking about this stupid monkey thing?” Don’t worry. This story is about my toe and I will get to that. I just figured that this part would be necessary.

I heard a truck pull up to my house. Who could it be? Why would anyone want to stop at my house? I don’t have any friends and my family moved to Florida when I was six. I hand walked to the door. I was much better at hand walking now. I could even jump over stuff. I got to the door before my visitor could knock. I waited until I heard the thumping on the door that meant he was there. I heard a rhythmical knock on my wooden door and my helper monkey swung it open. The man at the door and the monkey exchanged greetings. I couldn’t tell what was going on. I heard a few more remarks and then the door closed. A few seconds later I heard a door slam outside. And then a truck take off. My helper monkey set a box on the floor. It must have been the mailman at the door. I looked at the box and read the return address. It was from my toe Joe. From Liverpool. I read this in disbelief. My toe now lives in the hometown of the Beatles. That is so cool! Then, a few minutes later, I realized that it was from my toe. What would he want to send to me? “Could you please open this?” I asked my helper monkey. She opened it up as I glared at the box. I expected something horrible and was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be a ring box. My toe bought me jewelry. Maybe he forgave me. I couldn’t wait to see what it was and had my monkey open it up. The object inside didn’t look much like jewelry. And it smelled horrible. I studied it more carefully and realized that it was a toe. A smelly, rotted, green toe. I thought that it could’ve been Joe until it turned around and looked up at me. It wasn’t Joe but it was definitely an evil toe. I couldn’t tell if it was alive, dead, or undead. At least not at first. Eventually I found out. When it lunged at me and tried to bite me. My helper monkey ripped it off of me and bit it in half. She saved my life.

For the next few days I tried to figure out why my Joe had sent me this toe. Ugghhh! I hate my toe so much. Now that I am thinking of him I am starting to rhyme again. I thought about analyzing the toe but my helper monkey finished eating it already. After many, many hours of pondering (my clock said it was only a few minutes but it had to be more than that) I decided to take a break. There is only so much stress your brain can take.

I started watching T.V. like I usually do to clear my mind. However, it wasn’t playing what it usually played. There was some news broadcast on about something going on in Liverpool. I didn’t care. Liverpool is nowhere near me. I didn’t have to worry. At least I thought I didn’t. That was before I had heard what the newscaster was saying. “Liverpool mysteriously relocated to the United States right next to Maydup town, Vermont,” he said. I lived in Maydup town. Well, I guess I should start caring what he had to say. Liverpool is now located close to me. I started listening but I didn’t catch everything. I guess he had already started his broadcast. “If you have been bitten by someone or a part of someone that looks green and dead you will start to show the symptoms of these new threats. If this happens please call the flashing number on the bottom of your screen so we can come and annihilate you and all of your people. Also, if any of you see this toe call the number and tell us where you saw him. This is very important. He is being called the leader of these ‘zombies’. His name is Joe.” I knew something like this was going to happen. It was in a fortune cookie I once had. Those damn Chinese are so smart.

I didn’t know what to do. I tried thinking but that hurt my head too much. I would have to do everything by basic impulse like usual. I knew that Joe had to be taken out. And I was the only who could do it. I grabbed a knife out of the knife drawer. The same knife I had used to cut Joe off. I would end this the same way it started. I started to hand-walk out of my house when I noticed an announcement on the T.V. “Whatever you do, do not eat any part of the zombies. We just found out that eating them has the same effect as them biting you. However, we uh… unfortunately found this out after sharing some of the bodies around the newsroom for lunch. So now, of course, we are rooting for the zombies and will refuse to explain that taking their heads off or killing the creature that turned them are the only ways to kill them. Ugh… Damn it! I just gave it away. I mean, the only way to kill them is by eating them or letting them bite you. Yeah, that’s it.” I knew what I had to do. I had two choices. I could wait until my helper monkey becomes a zombie (she ate that zombie toe) and let her bite me or I could take off my head which would kill Joe. Then all of the zombies that he created would die and the ones that they created would die and this whole mess would be over. Now the only thing left was to make the choice.

Being a zombie isn’t all that bad. You never have to worry about dying because you are already dead. Also, the zombies are winning the war against humanity. It feels pretty good to be on the winning side. And the greatest part is my life hasn’t changed at all. I still stay at home with my helper monkey and watch Jerry Springer and Dora the Explorer all day. Only now I have to deal with the intense desire for human flesh. Which is actually very tasty with a little pepper. Also, now I can finally afford gas. Who needs an arm or a leg when you are a zombie? Especially when you can just take someone else’s.
I hand-walked into my living room and sat in my chair. Jerry Springer was on in a few minutes. I turned on the T.V. to warm it up and the news was on. “George Bush was finally found hiding under his mother’s bed. There will be a feast in the White House this Saturday where our leader, Joe, will ceremonially eat the human president. This means that we have officially taken over this country. Now we return to your regularly scheduled broadcast,” the newscaster said. Jerry Springer came on. I couldn’t wait. I had been waiting for this episode for a week now. Some sick zombie fell in love with a human girl and refuses to turn her. He is on today’s Jerry Springer. I have the strangest feeling this episode won’t last long considering that zombies have a natural attraction to human flesh. Oh well. It’s been a while since I saw a feast on a live human on T.V. Not since some Zombies broke into the set of the O.C. They aired the footage as it was. It’s about time those people got ripped apart.