First and Last

Once upon a summer Wednesday, a few weeks before the start of my sophomore year at College, my two friends Josh and Tim and I decided to give a last ‘hurrah’ before we all went our separate ways. We’ve been friends for a long time and trusted each other enough to consistently joke about following each other into the very depths of hell. What we didn’t know that life-altering day we purchased a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms, was that the promise would be put to the test.
It all started smoothly enough… Tim and Josh picked up the shrooms and came over to my house around nine o’clock after I got done with my martial arts class. They had both done mushrooms before and were eagerly anticipating the experience to come, but I lived a very sheltered life on our very sheltered 450 acre farm and was having reservations about bridging the gap between me and the next level in drug life. It took all of their powers of persuasion to get me to commit to this night we’ve been planning for the past couple of weeks.

Me: I don’t know guys; I still don’t think I want to do this. I mean, what happens if I hallucinate so bad that I start seeing monsters and try to kill them, but inadvertently kill one of you? I know you said it’s different for everyone, and not as heavy as I think, but I’m just worried about not being able to control myself.

Tim: Andy…come on.

Me: …Okay, let’s do it.

I knew there was no going back, so we had a little powwow in my room on what I could be expecting, slowly easing my worries with their promises that shrooms were a very safe drug when used responsibly and my house was the safest house around. There wouldn’t be any cops for miles, and it’s a big farm, so it’s not like we’d have to be hanging around my parents all night (besides, they go to bed really early and tend to not leave the house after dark).
By ten o’clock my worries subsided and we trudged from my room across the road to our corn maze (The World’s Largest I might add) with the bag of shrooms in tote, shaking with excitement for the journey ahead. When we got there, my dad was just closing up the maze and said there was only one group of teenagers in there. We always had slow nights in the beginning of the season, but ironically that’s when the maze is at it’s best. At least we could count on seclusion in the 10 miles of trail in the 25 acres the maze is cut out in.

Me: Hi dad; Josh and Tim and I are just going to wander around the maze tonight and hang out, so you can close up and everything and we’ll just turn off all the lights when we head out.

Dad: Okay, there’s only one group in there right now and I think they’ll probably come out in a half an hour or so anyway, so I’ll just leave the master light switch on to make it easy for you guys. You’re not going to be out late are you?

Josh: No, I don’t think so, Tim and I both have work early tomorrow, so we shouldn’t be out later than midnight.

Dad: Well, okay, I guess I don’t have any objections…just remember to close up the barn before you leave.

Tim: We will Mr. Richardson. Thanks again for letting us play in your corn maze.

Dad: …Sure thing…have fun.

Since I knew exactly where we were going, I led the way into the maze strait for the nearest bridge. Usually we have the two standard bridges that I helped my dad build during our first season trying the corn maze, but this year we built a third one in commemoration of the 200th anniversary of the Lewis and Clark expedition. It was intended to be Fort Man Dan (god knows what the hell that is) but it was a cool place to hang out because it was twice the width of a normal bridge and had wooden scaffolding along the side that provided enough privacy to say, divide up our shrooms for consumption without being seen by any passersby or, maybe get a couple of friends together and get tanked on a bottle of peppermint schnapps (but that’s an entirely different story altogether).
We got to the bridge without any difficulty and immediately began divvying up the shrooms.

Tim: Aw man, this is going to be so sweet…how much do we have?

Josh: Only an eighth, but these aren’t regular mushrooms. We’re not going to eat any of that commercial shit grown on cow turds or dead animals that make them taste like petrified feces, these are shrooms grown on dying trees somewhere up north.

Me: There’s a difference?

Josh: Yeah, shrooms grown on rotting trees as opposed to cow shit generally taste better and give you a cleaner ‘high’ where in this sense we’ll hallucinate more and for a longer period of time without worry of freaking out.

Me: Freaking out?

Josh: Yeah, sometimes if you shroom for a long time you’ll eventually want it to stop so bad that you’ll start freaking out and do some fucked up things like pull out all your hair or try to cut yourself with something. Really rare cases report people going insane and never coming out of it.

Me: Wow, way to go to ease my worries…I thought there’d be a downside.

Josh: Oh, I’m sure you won’t have anything to worry about…It’s not like it happens often.

Tim: Often enough to make some really great stories though…

Me: Thanks Tim.

Tim: No problem. Here, we’ll give you the bigger pile.

Josh: Yeah, and take this huge cap too.

Me: Okay…

And with that we munched down our share and washed it down with some coke we brought along with us.

Tim: Wow, that wasn’t bad at all.

Me: No, I’m surprised, that actually almost tasted…good.

Josh: Yeah, I told you it’d be better. Shh…hold on, I think I hear someone coming…

<Low murmuring amongst rustling of corn>

Guy 1: Holy shit, a bridge…thank god.

Girl 1: Yeah, we’ve seen nothing but corn for like an hour and a half

As they came up the bridge, a guy and two girls looked us over and started up a conversation.

Girl 2: Hey guys, how’s it going?

Me: Not so bad, how you doing?

Girl 1: Ha ha…we’d be better if we could find our way out of this godforsaken maze.

Me: Don’t you have a map?

Guy 1: No, I threw it away…do you have any idea how to get out of here?

Me: Yeah, just take the path underneath the bridge until you see the exit. Aren’t you guys having fun?

Girl 2: Yeah, well it would have been better with some pot.

Tim: Or shrooms?

<We all start laughing hysterically>

Guy 1: Yeah, I know, next time we’ll have to bring some. Hey thanks for you’re help; we’ll see you later.

Me: Later

You wouldn’t believe how much we laughed as they were walking away, especially since I could have sworn I heard them comment to each other that they figured we were all shrooming…which we were.
About a half an hour later, we figured we should get out of the maze before we actually started hallucinating and inadvertently got ourselves lost and die sometime later, and when we reached the exit my dad was gone and so was everyone else.

Josh: So, how’s everybody feeling? I know I’m kind of starting to get a body high.

Tim: Yeah, me too. How about you Andy?

Me: I don’t really feel anything yet.

Tim: Oh well, I’m sure it’ll kick in soon.

In order to pass the time, we went to the parking lot and sat in Tim’s car and listened to music, having an all around good time. We passed idle chitchat back and forth amongst each other just staring at Tim’s headlights cutting through a vast abyss of darkness. Around 10:30 Tim abruptly sat up and said “Holy shit, I think I’m hallucinating!”

Josh: Yeah me too. I was looking out at the trees across from us and saw all these tiny blue shapes in the leaves. I thought they were birds, but when I looked closer I saw that the blue stuff was the sky and everything that was dark was a huge flock of jet-black ravens watching me. Then they all flew off and swarmed around the car.

Tim: That’s awesome. I was staring at the headlights and watched the grass sway back and forth in the wind. It looked like a sea of grass and before I knew it I was in the ocean controlling a submarine and moving through the water, discovering new life. Then, an enormous octopus attached itself to the windshield, and that’s what scared the crap out of me.

Josh: Cool…Andy, do you see anything yet?

Me: No, I don’t even have a body high yet.

Josh: Just be cool. You have to let go…you can’t try and control it. Just let go and have a good time. We’re having a good time, and we’re cool, so just be cool. Andy, WHY AREN’T YOU BEING COOL!?

Tim: Jesus Christ Josh, calm down. It’s not his fault he’s not seeing anything. Stop yelling at him.

Josh: I’m not yelling at him! He’s just not being cool!

<Meanwhile, I’m laughing hysterically>

Tim: Josh, you’re telling him that he’s not cool for not hallucinating…you’re yelling at him.

Josh: I am?

Me: Yeah…you are…friend. <More laughter>

Josh: Oh…sorry.

Me: That’s cool, don’t worry about it Josh…just be cool.

Josh: Ha, Ha, Ha…okay, let’s go outside.

Tim: Yeah, I’m starting to get hungry.

From there, Josh, Tim and I head to the entrance of the corn maze where there are picnic tables. We sat down and I look around, desperately eager to start hallucinating. It’s been an hour already, and I still feel nothing. I look at the Pepsi machines glowing in the distance like blue pillars of light by the northwest entrance, but nothing comes out of it. Then, staring at the houses silhouetted in the background, I use the shadows to picture a spaceship about to launch on a mission to some unknown destination in space. I focused all of my will power to turn the clouds into a smoking engine ready for liftoff… but the ship remains docile and never moves an inch. Disappointed, I turn my attention back to my friends.

Josh: Don’t worry Andy, sooner or later it’ll happen, just relax. I’m feeling so good right now I can’t stand it. I think this will be a perfect time to go on our own adventures.

Me: Adventures?

Tim: Yeah, that’s a great idea… I want to go first!

As Josh explained to me that the best part about shrooming is to stand in one place without any distractions and let your mind go on it’s own adventure, I curiously sit and watch Tim walk about ten yards away and stare up into the starry night sky. He walks around a bit, turning this way and that and rolls around on the ground a couple of times. Then, just when I thought it was all over, he runs over to a double-posted sign illuminated by one of our homemade streetlights (made out of a pitchfork and a bucket) and starts talking to it. He’s too far away to hear what he is saying, but Josh and I are laughing and making commentary on his abnormal behavior.

Me: What is he doing?

Josh: Who knows, it’s Tim, so it could be anything.

Just then, Tim turns, looks at us, and comes running back up to meet us, giggling like a schoolgirl in her first naked pillow fight.

Tim: You’ll never guess what happened. I walked out there and stared at the night sky just waiting for something to happen. Before I knew it I was in a space ship and trying to shoot down another spaceship. We were doing barrel rolls in space and evading each other with all our skill until I got behind him and blew him to smithereens. But then, just as I thought I was in the clear, one of his friends came behind me and shot me, causing me to crash-land on an alien planet. When I got out of the ship there was a giant wizard illuminated by a bright light. He congratulated me on my victory and then told me that as a reward he would answer all my questions about life and everything in the universe. I was filled with such a feeling of content that I nearly pissed myself. It was the greatest feeling of my life!

Josh: That’s awesome! What did he say?

Tim: I don’t remember!

Josh: Cool! It’s my turn now.

And with that, Josh runs off ten yards while Tim and I are talking and laughing about his experience.

Tim: Man, it was so real I can’t believe it didn’t really happen. Wow (pointing to Josh) is that really what I looked like?

Me: Yeah, it was pretty funny.

Tim: Ha, Ha…I can’t wait till you start shrooming Andy.

As I watched Josh stare at the ground, then pick up a hand full of dirt and sprinkle some over his head, I was beginning to feel left out. Why wasn’t I feeling anything? Why couldn’t I be cool? I sat back on the picnic tables and saw Josh cry out in wonder and run 20 yards to the center of four posts set up in a large square that were going to be used to hang lights. He spun around in a circle really fast and then ran back to meet us.

Josh: You’ll never guess what happened. I walked out a little bit and kicked up some dust. Then, as I was staring at the dirt I saw a seed poke through the ground. It germinated into an enormous sunflower and towered above me. Then a face came out of the center of the sunflower and said “Josh, you are one with the earth. Take this soil and join us in spirit as well as mind”. So I sprinkled some dirt on my head and a white light surrounded me. It felt so warm and inviting and it made me feel good, but then the sunflower’s face told me that I needed to help the earth. It told me that it was dying and it was all because of man and their machines destroying the rainforest by burning and cutting down trees and plants that could be used for so many other important purposes. It told me that there were demons that were convincing men to do these things because man wasn’t always bad, so I needed to destroy the demons to destroy man’s greed for destruction.
Then, over by those four posts I saw monsters and demons fighting. I ran over and blue electricity shot out of the Pepsi machine and surrounded the four posts to cage me in with the demons. They turned on me and I thought I was a goner, but I figured out that I could control the earth now, so I opened up the ground and let the demons get swallowed up and die. Then the electricity dissipated and I ran back here…

Tim: Wow. I’m hungry.

Josh: Then lets get something to eat. Andy, are you feeling anything yet?

Me: Uh, I’m starting to get a little body high I think. <Lying through my teeth>

Josh: Cool…

Then all of a sudden, Tim said he didn’t feel well and started retching and throwing up. Josh tried to calm him down and told him that it was all in his head and all of a sudden Tim stood up and said “Wow, your right. Let’s go get some food”.
I thought that some of the snacks from the corn maze might still be around, so I brought Josh and Tim into the ticket barn and began looking for any food I could find. Tim said he was nearly doubled over with hunger and wandered off in search of M&M’s while Josh and I watched him. The food bin was locked and we needed a key…a key we didn’t have that I’m sure was back at the house, but what we did find was shocking. Tim opened up the door to the breaker room and stared at the electrical box for a second. Not three days earlier I helped my dad install electricity in here and I knew that this was the central hub for all the electricity on this side of the farm, effectively controlling every outlet and device in the corn maze area. Live wires were still exposed because we were still hooking up separate electrical lines for the different buildings and when I saw Tim reach forward to grab the box I screamed…

Me: Tim, no! There’s enough electricity in there to fuse your bones to a jar of marmalade!

Tim shook his head out of a trance and stepped back from the terminal.

Tim: Oh my god. I was just looking for food and this voice called to me behind this door. When I opened it I knew I was looking at electrical wires, but they had a face and looked so friendly. They told me to touch them, and I was going to! If you hadn’t stopped me, I’d probably be dead right now.

Josh: Oh my god Tim, we can’t leave you alone for a second.

Tim: I know…I’m sorry…it won’t happen again.

Me: Good.

Then Tim shouted again and began digging through a cabinet mumbling something about finding some M&M’s. He pulled out of a drawer an enormous bag of rocks, most of them the size of a small child’s fist, and began trying to eat them. He bit into a rock, spit it out, and then put another rock from the bag in his mouth. Trying to chew again, he found difficulty and spit that one out too.

Tim: These M&M’s suck.

Josh: Tim, you’re eating rocks.

Tim: Oh my god, I am! That’s so funny. What am I doing? I’m still hungry though.

Now I’m not exactly proud of this part, and I know it was stupid, but I said we should just drive to taco bell. I was starting to get a bit of a body high, but I was getting hungry too and thought I could handle driving. Josh asked if he was sure I could handle it, and I told him there was nothing to worry about. However, once we got into the car and drove a mile or two down the road, my body high was getting worse. Every time we sped up, my body sunk into the seat and nearly swallowed me up. When we stopped, my body kept going and flew out of the car and I could see myself in the headlights. When we started up again, I snapped back into myself and sometimes passed through the driver’s seat and into the back seat, next to Tim. This went on the entire ride, and Josh and Tim said nothing to me the whole time. They just stared out the window tripping balls and never once glanced back at me.
I knew they were counting on me to make it there all right, so I set the cruise control to avoid speeding and used all of my mental prowess to resist hallucinating until we got back home. The ride took an eternity. It was hours later by the time we got to taco bell, and I had to piss like a motherfucker. When we pulled up to the drive through, Tim ordered as follows:

Taco Bell: Welcome to Taco Bell, how can I help you?

Tim: Yeah, Hi, how are you?

Taco Bell: Uh, I’m fine, how are you?

Tim: Excellent. Really excellent. <A long pause ensues>

Taco Bell: Do you…want to order anything?

Tim: Oh yeah, that’s right…I’ll have a gordita meal.

Taco Bell: Do you mean the gordita and taco meal?

Tim: No, just the gordita meal, with no tomatoes.

Taco Bell: I’m sorry sir; we don’t have a meal like that.

Tim: Okay, give me the chalupa meal then.

Taco Bell: What kind?

Tim: I don’t care what kind all I want is food.

Josh: Oh god, not this again, just get him a number six.

Me: He’ll have a number six.

Taco Bell: Is that all?

Josh and I: Yes!

We eventually got the food and pulled into a parking space to eat. Tim confessed that he had no idea what he really wanted and just said the first thing that came to his mind. It turned out we got two chalupas with extra tomatoes, but Tim never paid any attention and wolfed down everything.

Tim: You know what I just realized guys? I’m not even hungry… what are we doing here anyway?

Josh: Tim, you made us come to Taco Bell because you were starving.

Tim: But I’m not even hungry.

Josh: That’s because you just ate two chalupas!

Tim: I did?

I’m sure this went back and forth for some time, but I left to go take a leak. When I got back Josh and Tim were frantically looking around and screaming at each other for seemingly no reason.

Josh: Oh my god, Andy, thank god you’re here. Where did you go?

Tim: Yeah, we were looking for you forever. For some reason, I thought you were hiding under the seat but you weren’t.

Josh: Yeah, I checked…twice.

I couldn’t have been gone for more than a minute, but I didn’t want to argue and told them that I just went to the bathroom. At this point, I could tell that the shrooms were hitting me pretty hard and all I wanted to do was get home as fast as possible. Colors were starting to look really vibrant, and unless I concentrated, everything looked like it was taken in a series of snapshots. I was finally hallucinating.
It took a good two weeks to get back home and all the while I was hearing music, but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. Josh and Tim were in their own little worlds and no matter what I said; they didn’t seem to be listening. They were both peaking (at the most potent stage of hallucinating) and chattering back and forth amongst each other and even though I was hallucinating too, I felt left out. I tried to make conversation, but it would only lead to Josh and Tim remembering all the great times they had as kids.
I spent the rest of the drive trying not to focus on anything specific and go on my own ‘adventure’ and inadvertently kill us all while Josh and Tim told every cool thing they’ve ever done with each other since they were two years old.

Tim: Remember when you crapped your pants and then my mom came and asked you if you crapped yourself?

Josh: Yeah, and then I said “Tim did it” and your mom laughed so hard she started crying.

Tim: Ha, ha, ha, and we’ve been friends ever since.

Josh: Yeah, and we’ll be friends forever.

Blah, blah, blah, you get the picture. By the time we got home I was so mentally drained from trying not to hallucinate, I just wanted to go to sleep. However, when I tried to open the door to my house, I realized we were locked out. In their haste, my parents neglected to leave the door open so I could get inside. We were not going to go to sleep anytime soon. In order to pass the time, we decided to go back to the maze, but halfway there I was so tired I said I needed to take a break. Josh and Tim couldn’t understand why I was so tired (it was only a five minute walk to the maze) but they relented and we went inside the tree barn to rest.
The tree barn is a long barn in the middle of our driveway that we use as a base of operations for our winter business of selling Christmas trees. It’s very cozy with lots of places to sit, so I plopped down on an old ripped out bus seat and waited while Tim went to take a shit in the bathroom. Josh and I waited for quite some time before we both decided we needed to pee, so I went to the other bathroom while Josh went outside the door directly to the right of the bathroom.
When I came out I walked out the door expecting to find Josh, but he was nowhere in sight. Puzzled, I walked to the end of the barn and opened up the door to the breezeway, thinking he was just walking around but he wasn’t there either. I was getting a little worried, so I ran back inside just in time to see Josh walking through the door on the exact opposite end of the building. My brain went into paradoxal overload, and when I asked Josh how he went out one door and came in another he was as clueless as I was.
Eventually Tim came out of the bathroom (apparently he had quite an interesting conversation with a large piece of his own shit) and we sat down to talk. The whole time we were talking though, Josh and Tim faced each other with their sides to me. I was screaming at them with my newfound telepathy to pay attention to me, but they must not have been very good receivers because they gave no mention of hearing me. Just then, my cousin walked through the door.

“Ryan, thank god we found you,” I said, following him out the door. “Listen, we’re in serious trouble and we need your…” I trailed off in shock.

Just as I followed him out the door with Josh and Tim trailing behind me, I saw his car. What was most shocking was what was in the car: my aunt and uncle. I was sure they had spotted me and knew that I was tripping balls, so I froze and didn’t know what to do. Tim and Josh kept pestering me saying “Andy, what is it?” and “Andy, what’s going on?” but I didn’t dare speak aloud. I desperately sent them telepathic messages for them to shut up, but I think they were too far-gone to pay any attention to my messages.

Ryan: Do you…want me to come back later?

Me: Yes, later would be good. Definitely much later.

With that I did an about-face and trudged back into the tree barn listening to Josh and Tim’s pleas of wanting to know what was wrong. They were far too stupid to understand anything I was communicating telepathically, so as soon as we were out of earshot I sat them down.

Me: That was my cousin Ryan. I was going to ask for his help since we’re shrooming really bad, but just as I was about to I saw my aunt and uncle in his car. I don’t know if they saw me, hopefully I masked our presence enough with a telepathic shield, but it might have been too late.

Tim: Help, why do we need help? I’m fine.

Josh: Wait a minute, did you say you saw your aunt and uncle?

Me: I don’t know, I mean, yes I saw them, but I don’t know if they saw me.

Josh: We’re not going to get in trouble are we?

It was all too much to bear; I couldn’t take it any longer. I shut out everything around me and stormed outside where there were conveniently three chairs awaiting our arrival. I gave a little smirk (for surely I must have conjured these very things based on my present emotions) and wearily sat down. Josh said something about being sick and I went off into the trees some 20 yards out to have the adventure I’ve been waiting for just as I heard Tim say something about “It’s all in your head”.
My adventure didn’t last long, in fact, I don’t think it ever began…I was too paranoid to enjoy anything. I kept seeing flashlights in the distance by my house and envisioned my parents coming out of the darkness to investigate our odd behavior. Eventually I gave up on the whole idea of adventures and rejoined Tim and the now peaceful Josh on the chairs outside of the tree barn.
Josh and Tim started up their conversations… again, and I was left out…again, so to pass the time I sat listening to their stories…again. Before I knew it, it sounded like they were repeating themselves.

Tim: Remember when you crapped your pants and then my mom came and asked you if you crapped yourself?

Josh: Yeah, and then I said “Tim did it” and your mom laughed so hard she started crying.

Tim: Ha, ha, ha, and we’ve been friends ever since.

Josh: Yeah, and we’ll be friends forever.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Tim: Hey Josh, Remember when you crapped your pants and then my mom came and asked you if you crapped yourself?

Josh: Yeah, and then I said “Tim did it” and your mom laughed so hard she started crying.

Tim: Ha, ha, ha, and we’ve been friends ever since.

Josh: Yeah, and we’ll be friends forever.

We’re repeating ourselves, we’re repeating ourselves, we’re repeating ourselves. I felt my whole body go numb like I was having convulsions and put my hands in front of my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair and then
felt my whole body go numb like I was having convulsions and crossed my arms over my body and then
felt my whole body go numb like I was having convulsions and put my head down on my arms and then
felt my whole body go numb like I was having convulsions and looked over at Josh and Tim and saw them put their hands in front of their eyes
run their fingers through their hair
cross their arms over their body
put there heads down on their arms
then look at me. I felt my whole body go numb like I was having convulsions and realized: We’re repeating ourselves, we’re repeating ourselves, we’re repeating ourselves.

Me: We’re repeating ourselves, we’re repeating ourselves!

I felt sick, my body got hot. I was boiling alive. Steam hissed passed my ears as my skin melted away from my body. My head ached like someone was beating me across the head with a matchbox car on a string incessantly. I threw up.

Josh: It’s all in your head Andy, it’s all in your head. Oh shit Tim, he’s freaking out.

<It’s not in my head you little fuck, I’m dying> I shot telepathically.

Josh: You’re not dying Andy; it’s all in your head.

And it was. I sat up and saw Josh and Tim standing over me, wide eyed with worry. I was fine; there was no puke, it was all in my head. At least there’s some comfort in that.

Tim: Are you okay?

Me: Yeah, I think so…I just need to go to sleep.

Josh: We can’t go to sleep though. None of us can…we can’t go home like this.

Me: I don’t care what you do; I’m going to sleep.

It’s true, I didn’t care what they did. They could have fallen off the face of the earth for all I cared. I only had one thing on my mind and that was my soft bed in my comfortable room in my cozy home. I brushed past Josh and Tim and marched down my driveway towards my house ignoring their pleas behind me.
When I got to the door, I tried to open it but felt only resistance.

Me: Damn, locked.

Josh: Just like before. Nothing’s changed… we can’t go to sleep.

Tim: Don’t you have a key or something?

Me: A key, of course! Why didn’t I think of that?

Josh: You had a key the whole time?

I reached into my pant’s pocket and felt around. A pen…a scrap of paper…or… I took out the piece of paper and concentrated. Slowly the paper crumpled and twisted into my hand until I held a very shiny, very key-like object.

Josh: Andy, what the hell do you think you’re doing?

I rammed the key into the door, but only succeeded in splitting my thumbnail in two.

Me: Curses!

Shoving the key back into my pocket I took out a different one and tried that. Nothing…Well, I guess I’ll just have to walk through the door and unlock it from the other side.

Tim: Andy, that’s just a piece of paper. Come on, your going to wake your parents up.

Me: Hold on guys, let me try something.

I took a deep breath, focusing on gathering all the energy around me and concentrated that energy into my body. I felt my body go numb like I was having convulsions and walked foreword, passing through the door. Halfway through though, I lost my concentration and the door shoved me back outside.

Me: Shit, it didn’t work.

Josh: Ha, Ha, Ha, holy shit Tim, did you see that?

Tim: Andy, did you just try walking through the door?

Just then my dog started barking and a light came on in the living room.

Josh: Shit, let’s run!

Before I could put up any protest, Josh and Tim grabbed me by the collar and we ran across the yard and hid behind a barn. We were breathing heavily and afraid we were going to get caught, but Josh and Tim were starting to come down and were able to think somewhat clearly…just as I was reaching my breaking point.

Josh: Fuck, Andy, your parents are going to find us!

Me: Don’t worry, they won’t.

Josh: Yes they will. Andy, we have to get out of here before they find us. Let’s go back to the corn maze; it’s the only safe place.

Me: Don’t worry Josh, my parents don’t exist.

It all made perfect sense to me. Everything all at once flooded into my head like a fat man pushing through the crowd at a Sizzler. The problem was, I couldn’t sort it all out if I was conscious, so I laid down in the dirt and closed my eyes to sleep.

Tim: Oh my god Josh, this isn’t good.

Josh: We have to get him out of here. Quick, you pick up one end and I’ll get the other.

<Straining>

Tim: He’s too heavy, I can’t lift him.

Josh: What the fuck, he’s only 160 lbs. I can lift almost twice that.

Tim: You can?

Josh: No, but it still shouldn’t be a problem. If he doesn’t want to go just leave him. If his parents only find him, he won’t be in trouble… they’ll probably just think he’s drunk or something. The best thing to do for everyone right now is if we get out of here and sort things out.

Tim: Should we really just leave him though?

Josh: There’s nothing we can do. Let’s go!

I heard what they were saying, but I didn’t care. I knew what was going on but it didn’t really matter. No mortal constraints were tying me to this world. I had EVERYTHING. Images flew across my eyelids at rapid speed. Looking through the eyes of the world I experienced first hand an Asian sunrise, a European afternoon of drizzle and fog, and a German drinking contest in a bar called “Howzer”. I watched idly as Josh and Tim got into Tim’s car and drove away with little consequence to me.
Outside was cold this time of year late at night, but I didn’t notice. It felt good on my pounding headache, but after a while I was starting to get lonely. Luckily, a voice kept me company.

Hey, how’s it going?

Me: Fine.

Quite a pickle you’re in huh?

Me: What do you mean?

Your friends left you.

Me: No they didn’t, they’re coming back.

No they’re not. Would it surprise you that they’re not even your friends to begin with?

Me: What do you mean?

You don’t know the truth. I can tell you it, but I guarantee you won’t like it.

Me: Try me.

Your friends don’t exist. None of this does. You think you’re lying down in the dirt on a cool summer night, locked outside of the house you’ve always known, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Me: Bullshit, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve known Josh and Tim for a really long time.

Have you? Would you like to see them now?

Just then Josh and Tim come around from the other side of the barn.

Josh: Andy are you okay?

Tim: You need to get up Andy we’re leaving.

< They dissipated into nothingness. >

Me: What’s going on here?

The truth, the TRUTH, is that all of this is a figment of your imagination. It’s been 5 years since you’ve become what you are and it happens to be this night where you have a chance to change something. Do you want to continue living a lie, or do you want to come back to the true land of the living?

Me: What’s going on here?

This farmhouse is nothing. Your friends are nothing. The high school you went to is nothing. Everyone you’ve ever met is fabricated on a lie you tell yourself over and over every waking hour. You really grew up in a suburb of Chicago. You are an only child to your parents Martha and Cid. You’ve never quite fit in with anybody and ran away from home. Fear and loneliness drove you to mushrooms. The entire basis of this fantasy sprung off the beginning of your personal turmoil. Late one night you bought a bag of mushrooms from a common dealer. Problem is, they were laced with LSD. Ignorance made you eat the whole bag and fate decided to deal you the card of suffering. You went insane and invented this false reality through your subconscious. Police found you in a few days and the rest of your life has been lived out in a mental institution. Ah, here comes the doctor and your family now. Do you want to see them?

Before I could say anything, my eyes slowly opened. I knew instantly I was trapped in a straitjacket. A doctor shining a penlight in my eyes jumped back; noticeably startled as my parents in the background drew a sharp intake of breath.

Doctor: Oh my god, is he awake?

Mother: Honey, are you okay? Please say something. Can you hear me?

Nurse: Vitals okay, brain activity is returning to normal.

Doctor: I’ve never seen anything like it. After all these years…

Nurse: Doctor, we’re losing him. Brain activity is ceasing… blood pressure dropping… he’s relapsing.

Father: Son, hold on goddammit.

<then darkness>

That’s just a taste of what I can offer you. Subject yourself to me and I’ll let you reawaken…in a sense. Forget this silliness and join me in my…

Josh: Andy are you okay?

Tim: You need to get up Andy we’re leaving.

I don’t remember much after that. Josh and Tim carried me into the woods west of the house out of trouble’s reach. I began walking under my own power but I was too busy sorting everything out to respond to anything they were asking me. Only bits and pieces reached what consciousness I had left.

Josh: Oh my god Tim, what have we done? How many lives have we ruined? Everyone we get close to gets hurt. What’s wrong with us? He was a good kid; his entire family are really nice people. We could have ruined their son forever.

Tim: I don’t know. Do you really think he’ll never come out of it?

Josh: I couldn’t tell you. I never thought something like this would happen. I think everything will be okay if we just get him in your car and drive around until he gets better.

Tim: Okay…just as long as we get him away from this place

Josh: Agreed.

All the while I was subjected to thousands and thousands of images flashing past my eyes. I heard what they were saying but I couldn’t speak. I was so fucked up that I staggered over to some Christmas trees and dropped my pants…fully intending to pee…but instead sprayed semen all over my hand.

Tim: What the fuck! Josh!

Josh: Oh shit, is that what I think it is?

Tim: Yeah, but how is that possible?

I was too out of it to know what I was doing. I thought I was just emptying my bladder, so when I was done I pulled up my pants like nothing happened. Just then though I reached a profound understanding. If I was ever going to come out of my own personal hell, I had to find the source to all this. I had to find out where I went wrong. For the rest of the night I burrowed deep into my subconscious and searched from childhood through adolescence the resolution to my anguish.

Josh: Quick, put him in your car.

Tim: You’ve got his feet; you go first.

I was being born again; looking through my own eyes as I emerged from my mother’s womb. I was my mother watching my son being born. I ran around the table as a child until my pants fell down and I hit my face on the floor. I went to baseball games, soccer games, and I met friends and enemies for the first time all over again. I can’t explain in words a fraction of what I saw that night as we flew past KFC’s, McDonalds, shopping malls and Blockbusters, but it all converged at one point.

Josh: He seems to be okay. He’s stopped mumbling incoherently so I gave him a bottle of water.

I was drowning. Water threatened to fill my lungs and stung my eyes so I had to close them, but I did not suck in. I held my breath until it passed and took a huge gulp of air.

Josh: No, he’s fine, it’s only water.

I looked around for the first time without confusion. A nagging sensation overwhelmed me and curiosity made me take in my surroundings.

Me: Where are we?

Tim: Wisconsin. Over by my house. We didn’t know where to take you so I just started driving.

I was in Tim’s car some thirty-five miles from home. The whole night was a nightmare I don’t care to relive, but one I can’t forget either. Reaching down under my seat I groped for something I knew I had to find. I enclosed my fingers around a CD case and pulled it in front of my eyes. I couldn’t make out any of the words, but when I opened it up and looked at the inside cover I nearly gasped in horror. Clarity hit me like a barrel of monkeys as I stared…clear as day…at a house silhouetted in darkness, forming the shape of a rocket ship prepared for it’s destination to some unknown region of space…

When I woke up we were in front of my house. It was one five o’clock in the morning and I had been shrooming for nearly 6 hours strait. As I got out of the back seat (quizzically patting dry my soaked shirt and pants) Josh stopped me and offered my belongings: my wallet, a pen, and a square piece of paper. I didn’t really understand what was happening, but I turned to Josh in preparation for amends.

Me: I’ll probably never know the extent of what happened tonight, but I sorted everything out and I just want to say I’m back.

Josh: Good.

Me: And that no matter how many times you’ve done drugs you still don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Don’t ask me to do that again.

Josh: Okay.

Me: I’ll call you tomorrow.

With that I walked up to my front door; hesitated for a moment…then pushed it open freely on it’s well oiled hinges and stepped inside…closing the door behind me and locking away the first rays of dawn. I don’t know how long I slept, but when I awoke it was the same place I’ve been waking up in for the past 19 years. That night was the first…and last time I’ll ever do shrooms…in all likeliness.