Do You Remember?

You told me I was beautiful. That’s how you stole my heart. You tore it right off of my sleeve, I didn’t offer it, you never asked. Why were you able to break through my guard? Why you?
I’ll never forget the day I first met you. I walked into the classroom and there you were, your blue eyes watching me as I searched for a seat. I wish I had never met you, I wish the only empty seat hadn’t been right next to you. There’s so much I wish I could change, so much I wouldn’t do. I wish I had never loved you.
I did love you; I wish you had known that too.
Do you remember the time we walked to the pond behind Mercy Park? You held my hand as we crossed the big empty field and we sat with our toes in the water, watching the ducks, listening to the gentle blow of the wind and the occasional dog bark in the distance. Do you remember? We talked, but not much, not often. I was content to sit with you and watch life go on around us. That was the day I fell in love. I was happy just to be with you. Just you and me. The sun was setting and when you looked at me I couldn’t read your face. It was then that you told me I was beautiful. No one had ever said that to me before, no one has since. Do you remember the way I looked that day?
Did you know that I was shy? I have always been shy, content to sit on the outside and watch the action. I never wanted to be a part of it. You pulled me in, I wanted so badly for you to like me I was willing to do anything for you.
And I did.
Do you remember the first time we hung out? My friends had persuaded me to go; they had called you unbeknownst to me. We walked to the school; none of us had cars yet. That was when I smoked because I thought it was the “cool” thing to do. Do you remember? We shared a cigarette that day.
I don’t smoke anymore; I only did then to impress you.
There was a time when everything I did was determined by what you would think of it. Every morning when I got dressed, I wondered if you would like my outfit, I wondered if you would even notice it, or me.
And then there was the time we went and smoked pot behind the old water treatment facility. I didn’t smoke, you wouldn’t let me. Do you remember? It was a large group and someone asked me if I was in. I was so naïve I didn’t even know what she was talking about. You protected me, told her no for me. You were my knight in shining armor that day. If you only knew me now. I wonder, would it make a difference?
I’m not sure you ever knew me.
Do you remember my 16th birthday? I bought a special outfit for that night. You had promised you would be at my party. I knew you would be uncomfortable. A party like that, well, it wasn’t really your style. You were there anyway, do you remember? I was sure, so sure, that you really did love me too. That night.
Do you remember what you gave me for my birthday? Concert tickets. Not just any tickets, but tickets for my favorite band.. Do you remember that I asked you to go with me? You wouldn’t go to the show with me; at the time I pretended it didn’t bother me. Your gift meant the world to me. Does that matter to you? You left early that night; left me in a state of euphoria. I was happier than I had ever been, happier than I have ever been since.
I don’t even remember what happy is.
I was so naïve, thinking that we actually stood a chance against the test of time. Against all the odds I thought that we might have been able to make it last. How petty of me to believe that you even wanted to be with me.
No one ever has. I’m beginning to think that no one ever will.
I asked you to go on a date with me but you wouldn’t remember that. How could you when you never even mentioned it to me. Was it because I asked you out? Do you remember that you promised me we would talk about it the next day? We never talked about it. We spent the next day together, with a group of friends. At the amusement park. You never said a word to me.
Can you imagine what it was like to be me at the end of that day? I hurt so badly, I was so alone. When I got home I went to my room and cried. I cried and cried until I had no more tears, until my head ached and my eyes burned. And then I cried myself to sleep. Do you remember the day you shattered my soul? Do you know what it’s like to hurt that badly?
I promised myself I was done with you.
Do you remember the night we spent together? You laid a blanket out and we watched the stars. I wasn’t ready, no where near ready. You kissed me then and, your body on top of mine; you looked me in the eyes. I always had a weakness for your eyes. You promised it would all be okay, you promised me the moon and the stars. I believed you. Do you remember? It wasn’t your first time, it was mine. You kissed me again and again. You touched me in places I had never been touched. You took my innocence, the pain shattering through me. That didn’t matter. I had you, I finally had you. Do you remember how I held on to you that night? You moved next to me and pulled me close, let me rest my head on your shoulder and listen to your heartbeat as it slowed and finally evened out. You kept me wrapped tightly in the security of your arms, you let me dream of what would be.
I watched you sleep that night but you can’t remember.
I didn’t know that that would be the first and last time I would feel safe in your arms.
Do you remember that party we were both at? The minute I saw your face I headed for the bar. I couldn’t deal with the hole you had left inside me me. I drank myself sick that night. Because of you. Do you remember going upstairs with me? You still knew how to take advantage of my trusting nature.
Even after what you did to me, even after you used and abused me once again I still loved you. Do you remember that?
You called me beautiful. That’s how I lost my heart. I don’t trust anymore, I’m scared of what might be taken from me. More than that, I’m scared of what might happen; I’m scared of loving and I’m scared of losing love again.
I hope that wherever you are, whoever you’re with, you fall as hard as I once fell for you. And I hope that she breaks your heart as ruthlessly as you broke mine. I hope that when she leaves you the pieces of your heart a on the floor around you.
Do you even remember me?