Creep

Author's note-This is from a boy's point of view.
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I love watching people eat. They amaze and disgust me at the same time, some are polite and chew with their mouths closed, waiting to swallow before they speak. Others chew like cows and talk with their mouths full. I watch them all, laughing at their ignorance. They have no idea how many calories they are ingesting, they don't care that that extra piece of pie goes directly to their thighs or already massive stomachs. I watch them because I know that they will take away whatever appetite I may have. Then I won't feel compelled to eat, I won't feel like I need to stuff my body full of fat.

After I watch these people, I go home and lie flat on my floor. I run my hands over my stomach, counting my ribs. I feel happy then, because I think that maybe, just maybe, I have reached my goal. Then I stand up and look in the mirror and my happy feeling goes away. All I see is fat. Fat clinging to my body, making me uglier than I ever thought possible. That's when I decide that everyone is right when they tell me I look bad or sick. I look like a disgusting cow, a fat, ugly piece of shit not fit for life. That's when I know I won't be eating supper today.

People look at me and gasp at my form. They ask how much weight I have lost, when the last time I ate was or if I ever eat at all. Those bastards are mocking me, they just want me to think I am thin so I will eat more. They just want me to be a fat cow. I hate them, I hate them all. Once I reach my goal, they will look at me and see beauty. Then I can laugh in their faces, because they are the fat ones.

Nobody will get in the way of what I am trying to achieve. My parents have tried, telling me that I have to eat and sending me to places that try to 'make me better.' They can't do shit now, because I no longer live under their roof. They have no control over what I do. All they can do is give me their fake concern and try to pressure me to eat. They are just jealous, because they know that one day, I will be beautiful and they will still be fat.

My brother and my 'friends' used to try and make me eat. They would tell me that what I am doing is going to kill me. I told them that people don't die from dieting. They said that I am not dieting, I am refusing to eat. I told them that they were jealous, just like everyone else. They still tried and tried to make me fat. Eventually, I stopped talking to them, I got tired of hearing their shit.

No one understands, no one knows that I am punishing myself. Punishing myself for being fat, punishing myself for eating that extra piece of pie or cake. No one will love me if I am fat. I will not allow myself to get fat.

I can live with the pain in my stomach and the dizziness when I stand up too quickly, but I couldn't live with myself if I were fat. Well, fatter than I already am. That can be helped though, just a little while longer and I will reach my goal. Then, everyone will envy me and wish they had my body. Then I will be perfect, beautiful.

I don't care if it hurts, it will be worth it. No pain, no gain, right? That's why people are fat, they are too weak to deal with the pain that comes from losing weight. I am strong, I can deal with it and it will pay off. I will finally be able to look down on people that are bigger than me, they will envy me and ask what my secret is. I won't tell them, let them figure it out on their own. I did.

I step on the scale and scoff in disgust. 102. Still a fucking fat cow.

I step down from the scale and look into the mirror. One day. One day I will be perfect.

One day I will be beautiful.