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Printed from https://writing.com/main/newsletters/action/archives/id/9219
Comedy: November 14, 2018 Issue [#9219]




 This week: Windows
  Edited by: Waltz Invictus Author IconMail Icon
                             More Newsletters By This Editor  Open in new Window.

Table of Contents

1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions

About This Newsletter

Never have more children than you have car windows.
         -Erma Bombeck

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.
         -Garrison Keillor

I like the desert for short periods of time, from inside a car, with the windows rolled up, and the doors locked. I prefer beach resorts with room service.
         -Anne Lamott


Word from our sponsor

ASIN: B000FC0SIM
Amazon's Price: $ 12.99


Letter from the editor

Usually, when I say I have a problem with windows, all I have to do is reboot my computer.

Not this time. This time, several months ago, I was driving through, I don't know, probably the Nevada desert when I came upon an oasis named McDonald's. I pulled into the drive-thru and pressed the switch controlling the driver's side window... and nothing happened.

There were a couple of cars in front of me - after all, this was the only McDonald's for at least 100 miles in any direction - so I spent some time loudly questioning the window's parentage, sexual habits, probable afterlife destination, and resemblance to fecal matter, all the while pounding on the offending thing (my theory being that if that combination didn't get it to work, it would at least collapse in shame).

Well, it worked, and I was able to order my cheeseburger, but gone were the days of trusting my window. Sometimes it would work just fine on the first try. Other times, I had to be creative in my cursing until I intimidated it into acquiescence.

Next time I went to the mechanic, I said, "Yeah, could you look at the driver's side window? It only works occasionally."

He tried it out. "Workin' fine," he said.

"Yeah, but last time I tried it, it wouldn't retract."

"Well, I can't do nothin' about it unless it's broke."

"Great. Well, next time it fails, I'll bring it in."

So the next time I couldn't get the window to retract on a weekday, I detoured to the mechanic. As I pulled in, I tried the window again... and - you guessed it - it worked.

I turned around and went to McDonald's, pulled into the drive-thru - and the window didn't work.

At this point, I ran out of curse words, which if you know me would shock you more than the cursing.

For the next several months, it was the same pattern. Pull into a fast food place or a bank drive-in? Window doesn't work. Take it to the mechanic? Window works. During this time, of course, the car's warranty expired. Sometimes I had to order my Taco Bell with the door half-open - and then the window would taunt me by working just fine when I got to the pick-up window.

I seriously considered getting a crowbar, but really, the innocent glass wasn't the problem; it had to be something to do with them newfangled power window circuit thingies.

Something like four or five maintenances later, I pulled into the mechanic one cloudy morning and, my heart filled with trepidation and longing, gave the power window button a push.

Success! It failed! I told the mechanic about it.

So now, as I write this, I am without a car, as they (naturally) had to order the part and I had to go to the doctor to have them remove an arm and a leg to pay for it. Hopefully, by the time you read this, I'll have my car back, and the window will be working, and I can go to McDonald's again, much to the certain delight of my cardiologist.


Editor's Picks

Some funnies:

Blood and Chipmunks Open in new Window. [18+]
The drunken adventures of a brave chipmunk, and the man he allows to carry him.
by Dermit Author Icon


 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor


 That Ol' Skeezix Open in new Window. [13+]
My people need some help. And I'm just the cat for the job.
by Jay's debut novel is out now! Author Icon


 Entry for Pun Contest Open in new Window. [13+]
Just a little piece of fun -
by Michele*s Back! Author Icon


 Old Lady with a Push-Up Braw Open in new Window. [ASR]
This is a story of a old lady in a mall.
by TL Roberts Author Icon


 humble cheese haiku Open in new Window. [E]
humble cheese haiku
by Shadytree Author Icon


 This is not a Poem Open in new Window. [E]
a rather contradictory poem :)
by Ally Author Icon

 
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Word from Writing.Com

Have an opinion on what you've read here today? Then send the Editor feedback! Find an item that you think would be perfect for showcasing here? Submit it for consideration in the newsletter!
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Don't forget to support our sponsor!

ASIN: B07N36MHWD
Amazon's Price: $ 7.99


Ask & Answer

Last time, in "Both SidesOpen in new Window., I had a discussion with my counterpart from a parallel universe.

Jim Hall Author Icon: I like the concept of a alternate universe me. I haven't tried that before. My modus operendi has been inanimate objects a la personification. That is why I really enjoy "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. For me, there is something really comical about inanimate objects talking and voicing their opinions.

Jim


         Which is all well and good until you go to throw something away. "No! No, Master, please, I've been loyal!"


Northwood Author Icon: I've taken to exclamations of, "Bieber's boobs!" much in the same way Miss Hannigan says, "Leapin' lizards!"
A thoroughly good read. Cheers.


         Always did want to start a trend.


Quick-Quill Author Icon (on overtipping the pizza driver in a snowstorm): LOL. I have to say I did too. But I never did it when it was blizzard conditions. I wouldn't want that on my conscience if they were hurt.

         That would depend on whether it happened before, or after, I got my pizza.


And that's it for me for November - see you next month! Until then,

LAUGH ON!!!

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