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This week: A Rose by Any Other Name Edited by: Shannon  
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Welcome to the Short Stories Newsletter. I am Shannon and I'm your editor this week. |
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"What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion. Surely when you love your wife with all your heart, you cannot demean her, criticize her, find fault with her, or abuse her by words, sullen behavior, or actions." ~ Ezra Taft Benson
In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, Juliet says, "What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," meaning it doesn't matter what you call something, it only matters what it is. In other words, you can call a pasture full of cow patties a field of fragrant flowers, but we all know they're really just steaming hot piles of cow ... well, you get the picture.
We probably all know someone who is in an abusive relationship. We, standing on the outside looking in, can see it for what it is, but oftentimes the person experiencing the abuse can not. They say things like "He's a good man, for the most part. He's never laid a hand on me. He's just really jealous," or "It's that fiery Irish temper of hers. She always feels better after she throws something."
Look up abuse in the dictionary and you're likely to see several definitions.1 These are from dictionary.com:
verb (used with object), abused, abusing.
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.
noun
5. wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
6. harshly or coarsely insulting language: The officer heaped abuse on his men.
7. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
8. a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of a totalitarian regime.
9. rape or sexual assault.
You can call it what you want: love, concern, jealousy, feistiness, but what it really is is abuse.
Several months ago I happened across an article with the word "gaslighting" in the title. I'd never heard the term before, and I was intrigued. I read the article, and a little lightbulb went off in my head. Oh, my God! I thought. There's a name for it? It's an actual recognized form of abuse? The answer is yes, there is a name for it, and it is a recognized form of abuse. So, what is it?
"Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity." 2
It was an ah-ha moment for me, reading that article. I've been on the receiving end of gaslighting, although at the time I didn't know it. I've seen it in my daughters' relationships, in my coworkers' relationships, and sometimes it even happens at work.
A likely scenario goes something like this: a man openly eyeballs another woman while shopping with his wife. We're not talking about a quick glance here, guys. I mean he's ogling another woman while he stands next to his wife in the check-out line (I have personally heard men whistle or comment about how "hot" another woman is while their wife is standing right there). The wife confronts him about it, saying "I realize you're going to look at other women, but can you at least have the decency not to do it when I'm standing right next to you?" He replies, "What are you talking about? I'm a people watcher; I look at everyone. I'm so sick of your jealousy. Jesus, what's wrong with you?" He acts hurt, angry, offended, as if she did something wrong. So now not only does the woman feel victimized by the fact that her husband is openly rubbernecking other women when he's with her, now he's turning it around on her, blaming her, insinuating she's imagining things and that there's something wrong with her, in essence victimizing her twice. He eventually uses it to his advantage: "I'm tired of being accused of things I didn't do. I'm going out with the guys. Don't wait up." Over time it wreaks havoc on his wife's self-esteem, her confidence, her ego, and her dignity. She starts to wonder, Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I'm just seeing things. She makes excuses for him: All men look at other women. Am I being too sensitive? She apologizes, he "forgives" her out of the goodness of his heart. She wonders if she's good enough, thin enough, pretty enough. The next time he does it she holds her tongue.
Here's another example. A forty-five-year-old woman named Stella moves in with her elderly mother, Esther, ostensibly to take care of her in her golden years, but all Stella really wants is Esther's money. Esther, who is in complete control of her faculties, will likely live for at least another decade and has not filled out a living will or power of attorney. She's loaded but tight with her money, only giving Stella enough cash for what they need at the store, and Stella wants more. She devises a plan to make her mother think she's becoming forgetful. When Stella comes home from the grocery story with only half of what was on the list, she says it's because Esther only gave her $40, not the $80 she was actually given. Stella hides Esther's keys and eyeglasses. She dumps out the cat's food, making Esther think the cat's gone unfed for days. Stella doesn't mail the check for the electric bill and their power gets shut off. "I could've sworn I paid that bill," Esther says. Soon Esther begins to worry that she's got Alzheimer's. Stella suggests Esther add her name to her checking account "just in case," and Esther does. For ten months the manipulation escalates, ultimately resulting in Esther naming Stella, Esther's only child, power of attorney. Once Stella becomes Esther's durable power of attorney for medical care and finances, she has her mother placed in a nursing home and the mutiny is complete.
It's all about manipulation and control, but as Robin Stern Ph.D. says, "Remember, there is good news about identifying the Gaslight Effect. The good news is that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all too insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out--take back your reality, and get more enjoyment from your life and your relationship!" 3
Experiencing gaslighting firsthand blows, but reading about it is another matter altogether. Some of my favorite books and stories were about characters either gaslighting someone else or being gaslighted themselves. It makes for edge-of-your-seat suspense, and it usually keeps readers guessing until the very end.
Have you experienced the Gaslight Effect? Have you written about a character who employs this form of abuse to control others? What method did he or she use? What was the outcome? Respond with links to your stories or comments in general and I will include them in next month's newsletter.
Thank you for reading.
"Survivors of abuse show us the strength of their personal spirit every time they smile.”
~ Jeanne McElvaney, Healing Insights: Effects of Abuse for Adults Abused as Children
Notes:
1. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abuse?s=t
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being... |
I hope you enjoy this week's featured selections. Please do the authors the courtesy of reviewing the ones you read. Thank you, and have a great week!
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As always, newsletter feedback slows way down this time of year. It usually picks up a little after January first.
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The following is in response to "Ego Trip" :
Quick-Quill  writes, "SO True! I may introduce one of these in my new novel. She is semi-wealthy, used to having what she wants, but still runs with her sorority girlfriends from college. They stoke her ego. She panders theirs. Im picturing the woman in Maid from Manhattan that the maid wears her clothes. She's clueless at times but very pointed at what she wants." Thank you for reading and commenting! I'm glad you found the newsletter helpful.  |
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Short Stories: November 04, 2015 Issue [#7298]
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