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I wrote this newsletter, using power supplied by the aid of a generator, due to a pre-Halloween, Nor'easter. It made me think about the weeks ahead. I came to the shocking conclusion that a white Christmas is overrated... |
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Yes, folks, for the first time in my life, Halloween was postponed. The eerily lit ghouls, skeletons and ghosts, are stuck in a dark time-warp and frozen in suspended animation (and over a foot of snow) awaiting a new night to be declared Halloween.
The first snow of the season is beautiful, even if the season came prematurely.  I love watching snow fall, gazing at those perfect white flakes and falling asleep to the hum of busy snowploughs on the roads. I hate the morning after, when my car has been ploughed-in, because my driveway seems to be the favored place to dump tons of sand infused, dirty snow. It's the last house down the hill on my side of the street and just seems to catch the ploughings of several houses, before the blade must lift and dump the heavy white stuff. I think the driver avoids a few driveways along the way; a couple that belong to elderly people and one that belongs to a friend whose business it is to plough-out driveways after a storm. Therefore, I get the lion's share of driveway blockage. Lucky me.
Snow, early and often, is what I predict this winter. The early has already happened. The storm that killed Halloween was the second snowfall of October, where I live. Although WL is wonderful about shoveling, he'd have a lot more to do now that Web-Son has moved closer to his college. I just don't want him doing that all winter. He and I both have bad backs making us pay for every stupid shovel-full. Even our snow-thrower can't get everywhere needed that a shovel can. So, folks, rather than feel defeated and arthritic, or, spending the whole winter spending money on hired help, it's going to be fun in the sun for us. 
Florida, the sunshine state, welcomes us snow birds with open arms. Well, at least that's what it says in all those brochures. We found a place to rent and went through the inquiries, applications and questionnaires regarding our sanity, drug use or lack there-of and our personalities to see if we would be a good fit within their community. Do we have pets, guns, and/stereos? I get those questions. Pets can be messy if they don't have well-trained owners; guns and stereos can be loud.
At what time should our neighbors be expected to be quiet?
1) by 9:00 p.m.
2) by 11:00 p.m.
3) It doesn't matter, as long as they are quiet.
Huh? "It doesn't matter as long as they are quiet?" Doesn't that mean they must be quiet all of the time? I worried about answering that question. It's a trick question!
They ask if we have any musical instruments. I have a piano in my house, it's an antique and came with the house. Do they want to know about that? It's not like I can easily move it with me. So, do I say, No, I do not have a musical instrument so they don't imagine me banging on the keys all night? That's what I'd be doing because I never learned how to play the piano. I can see it now, in big red stamped letters, "APPLICATION REJECTED."
Web-Lock is profoundly deaf. He responded that he has a harmonica. They will wonder how a nearly deaf person can play the harmonica. Questions will arise, like: will it be off-key if he does play, or, will it need to be amplified so he can perhaps hear it or is he lying about his deafness? If he lies about that, what other things on his application are lies? "APPLICATION REJECTED." We don't want our happy little community to feel like it's a prison, with the sound of an harmonica crooning-out a lonesome melody at lights-out.
How long do you stay inside your house each day?
1) hardly home at all
2) home the normal amount of time,
3) never leave the house.
Excuse me, there's a time limit? Do they rent it out by the hour while we are away? I'm confused.  What is the normal time to be at home? W-L went for the "normal time." I'm sticking with that choice, also. I want to do the normal thing, whatever that is. I will follow his lead about when we should leave the house during the day because I think he's more normal than I am.
So, now I wait for a response to the application. I couldn't fall asleep because I was too busy second-guessing all of my responses to the questions on the application. Those were tricky, psychological profile questions, designed to find the abnormalities, insanities and idiosyncrasies of the applicants. I hope that we are the right proportion of all of the above, to get approved. If not, we'll have to find another community, in the great state of Florida; the place I fondly refer to as God's waiting room.
That's all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
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'Tis the Season ...
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Winnie Kay 
I so look forward to your newsletters, WW. You seem to have a talent for detailing the irritations of the mundane, daily struggles of life. Your editorial exposing the harassing practices of scamming telemarketers via phone, internet, and mail is a serious matter among Senior Citizens who become frightened by their tactical manipulations. I wonder if there is a vast void somewhere in cyberspace where telemarketers go when they fail to reach their mandated goal of torment.
One could only hope, Winnie. The problem is that those tactics work. If they didn't make money, they would not keep using the same methods. Unfortunately, the elderly do get caught up in their manipulations. Just like my mother, they think they must respond to such time is running out, mail or they will be in some kind of trouble.
Thanks for the feedback, Winnie. 
Dr. Dnomyar 
definitely funny.
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the Newsletter. 
Annette 
 I love the stupid things that come from automated systems who can't accept a one penny overpay.
Me too! It gave me the subject matter for this Newsletter.
Maryann 
Great newsletter, WW, and thanks for adding one of my items!
Hey, I love junk mail, but I couldn't help but laugh at this funny song:
Thanks Maryann! I did watch that video and it was hilarious!
So sorry about the recent passing of your father. My thoughts are with you. 
BIG BAD WOLF Feeling Thankful 
I think that the next time a telemarketer calls me, I'm going to do what this one cop did on a crime show and say, "You just called an active crime scene. Please give us your name, phone number, and address, so that we can have you arrested for interfering in the investigation."
(submitted item) "Triple Danger"
Sounds like a fun plan!!! Thanks for the comment and submission. 
NickiD89 
The problem with the No Call List is this: If you have an account with a company, let's say a credit card company, they have the right to call you with promotional information AND companies they are in bed with, like insurance companies, etc., also have the right to contact you. Dang loop holes! Our solution? We made our land line an Internet-only line. (If you call it, you only hear it ringing and ringing and ringing.) We got the Magic Jack Plus for our home phone, which we hardly use thanks to our cell phones. No telemarketers or companies we do business have, or will EVER have, our MJ or cell phone numbers. Muwahahaaaaaaa!
 I agree! My land line is used for my Dish and credit card people. Oh, I almost forgot, it's also the line for the US Census Bureau. I never answer that phone, anymore! (For those of you who want to know about my feelings on the Census survey form, take a look at "Comedy Newsletter (April 28, 2010)" .) 
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW!
I really enjoyed reading your Comedy NL. Cold calls are apparently a world-wide phenomenon because I occasionally get them here! Junkmail, spam, and cold calls are the modern equivalent of a plague. (I think computer viruses are also a modern plague...)
-- Laura
Can't argue with that logic, Laura.
drjim
WW .... another great NL for the ages!! You completely amaze us! Now - for those pesky cold calls. Did you ever think that if all of us TOOK those calls, interrupted the sales spiel loud and often, interspersed with 'huh?' ... or 'excuse moi?' over and over again, that these people might pack up their caravans and leave town? Wonderful thought, that!! Keep writing!! Dr J
Nope, that wouldn't stop 'em. They've got computer generated voices calling and telling you to hang-on for an important message. Computers can't be insulted or discouraged by such tactics. They merely light-up like the 4th of July and pass the phone number along to others as a hot one on the line, since you made a verbal noise, no matter what was uttered.
Thanks for the feedback, Doc!
writetight
Telephone sales calls are the worst. I register every year on the National "No Call" list, but it seems if you fill out any kind of questionnaire on-line you give up your protection. As for AARP, they wouldn't have to beg for donations from members if they stopped mailing me three notices weekly. My mother, who is a member, receives a handful weekly. Ridiculous.
I agree! It is ridiculous.  Thanks for your comment.
mike238 
This newsletter is so amazing. :D You are welcome, WW. I like the part when you dump the junk mail without responding.  Hahahaaha.
Now, if I could just get my mother to do that it would make my life easier. It ain't gonna happen.
Dead_Girl's_Waltz
I enjoyed it very much! Very funny too!
Thank you, Glynn. I'm happy that you enjoyed the Newsletter.
cortext
hi web~witch
thanks for this. i liked it enough to post part of it on my facebook page. i can relate to the aging process & the therapeutic need for keeping a good sense of humor. peace...
- cortext
Wonderful! I appreciate your feedback, Cortex. What part did you like enough to repost on fb? Inquiring minds need to know.
Thanks for the feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FOLKS!!!
Remember to bulk-up on some of the Thanksgiving Feast, carbs, so you can handle Black Friday shopping, beginning at midnight at many of your favorite stores. Along with all those Christmas Carols... Fa-La-La-La-Laaaa!
WW
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Comedy: November 08, 2011 Issue [#4700]
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