  Spiritual
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It's a Competitive World.
Share the Joy
Or the Disappointment
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Seventh grade, yours truly, age 12. I'd won 'Academic Excellence', one of two awardees in my class for that prize. Four other students also got certificates for 'Consistent Effort'. I went to school, all dressed up, and collected my prize (a beautiful, hard-bound travel book with full-colour photographs and a certificate) on stage, watched by my adoring parents. On the way back home, we stopped at my aunt's house for dinner. It's a joint-family house, so there were eight other family members to congratulate me and rejoice in my victory. Completely happy, still dazed from the prize-distribution ceremony, I showed everyone the book I'd just won and true-to-form, they oohed and ahed over it.
In a corner, quiet on a chair, sat my classmate. She lived in my neighbourhood and was riding back with us. She'd won a 'Consistent Effort' certificate, which was like a second place to my first -- she didn't get a book. Since her parents hadn't been able to make it to the prize distribution, she had asked me if she could ride to school and back home with me, and I'd said yes and invited her to dinner at my aunt's.
Throughout the time I was going from aunt to cousin to uncle to another aunt showing off what I'd won, she sat there, a slightly pained smile on her face. Sometimes, I went and plonked myself in the chair next to her and spoke to her. At dinner, my family made sure she was comfortable and well-fed. I think she was a tad overwhelmed by all the boisterous people around her.
After dinner, we dropped her home, and as soon as she was out of the car and out of earshot, my Dad turned to me and said, "You were a bit selfish there."
Coming from my gentle Dad, these were harsh words, and my voice was teary as I asked, "In what way?"
"She didn't get a book. You could have toned down your joy at getting one."
"Hey," I protested, "that is our family we were with. I've just won this and I'm very excited. They are excited for me. She won 'Consistent Effort', didn't she? Besides, since you brought it up, she got two silver medals on sports day and I didn't even qualify for any event."
"Sports doesn't mean all that much to you. Besides, you didn't have to watch her show the medals off to her family. Anyway, she looked uncomfortable and unhappy, that's all," he replied.
"I thought it was our noisy family that kind of got to her," I grinned. "Eleven people shouting at the top of their lungs can be a bit intimidating."
"You were the only one shouting at the top of your lungs," Dad grinned back, and we dropped the subject.
I was suddenly reminded of this long-ago incident, watching Season Eight of American Idol on TV. Some contestants making it to the next round, others falling by the wayside. Often, two contestants are called on stage together, and the host announces that one of them is going ahead in the competition while the other is going home. If it's the finale, one hears of victory and the title of American Idol, the other has to take the 'runner up' tag.
PS: Added after the American Idol finale: Both finalists, Kris and Adam, said they decided they weren't 'competing' in the finale, they were going to sing their best to put up a good show. Of course they were both very aware it's a competition, but I think they were wise to approach it as friends doing their utmost to entertain the audience. And ... I love the way Kris said, "Adam deserves this!" after he won!
Is the one who rejoices selfish then, because the other's dream is thwarted? Both have rehearsed hard, both have sung their hearts out, the competition means a lot to each of them. Should both be sad, then, because one is going home? Or should each feel what the circumstances call for -- one happy, one sad? Isn't it better for both to be happy -- after all, someone's going ahead, someone's dream is closer to realisation, or has been achieved!
We live in a competitive world. Being better, faster, cuter, cleverer, more charming is prized. Even when we work in a team, there is often competition within members of the team. While this kind of thinking is healthy in some situations, it invariably leads to a win-lose mentality. No matter how well you've done, if someone did better, you've somehow 'lost'. Good, but not good enough. Good enough for what? Good enough by whose standards?
My Dad was right -- sports didn't mean that much to me. But drama did, and when the same classmate and I were in an evening of skits together, she got a first place and I didn't win anything. At that time, I remembered how I had wished she had rejoiced with me at my 'Academic Excellence' award, and I decided to rejoice with her at her dramatics award. It was an effort, but, not wanting to be a spoilsport, I put my own disappointment aside, and cheered and talked to others about her victory. Know what? It actually, really helped. I felt good instead of low. Hey, my friend won first place! Great! Far, far better a feeling than 'I didn't win anything'. After saying that a few times, I didn't have to pretend to be cheerful, I actually was cheerful! My friend won first place! Wow! Awesome!
So I don't agree with my Dad in one of the things he said -- that I should've toned down my joy at getting a book when someone else who was in the running didn't get it. Feeling joyful is preferable to feeling downhearted. Being positive is more conducive to good health than being negative. Looking forward to future success is more likely to lead to future success than brooding over current failure.
I'm not trying to destroy healthy competition or determination here. Everyone should strive to be the best they can. All I'm saying is, once you've put in your effort, if someone's effort proved somehow more worthy of a victory than yours did, it's better to be happy for them than sad for yourself. Maybe you could learn a thing or two from them about how to improve your own effort for future. If that happens, it's a great bonus. If not, at least you've been smiling  instead of frowning  ! - There now, which one would you rather look like --- ? So you smile when you win, you smile when someone else wins -- that, to me, is the way to cope and deal with the amount of competition we're faced with these days, to come out tops under any circumstances!
I wish there were more co-operation and less competition in the world. Wherever true co-operation exists, achievements bring deep satisfaction of having worked as a team. But given the competitive nature of our existence, my personal way of dealing with it is to smile whatever happens!
Thanks for listening!
Yours,
Sonali
PS: I've only talked of sharing joyful feelings in situations of competition, this letter doesn't touch upon other circumstances in which there might be joy for some and sorrow for others.
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A collection of poems that inspired me, or got me to stop and think somehow.
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A poem about a teddy that was given to me after my father died which gave me comfort.
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This is a poem dedicated to my best friend. In this poem, I talk about her influence.
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its about taking the steps forward to find yourself and everything that you are.
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one tear has just splashed on my hand (...)
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Just an Ordinary Boo! 
Your choices of topic are always simple and yet profound. 
I agree with all of what you say, I have gone down a number of paths in my life where the direction was 'sort of' determined for me. I have also chosen some that were forced upon me by circumstance, a chance of availability combining with inclination. The ones that have satisfied me the most are the ones where I was determined to do something and succeeded in doing so.
So, for my kids, my method was to present them with all the viable options and to let them choose. If finances prevented one choice, they knew that it was temporary, that we could look at it again, later. It seems to have worked for them - but you should ask them! 
Jyo
Thanks, Jyo! Glad you let your kids choose, I'm sure it worked for them! 
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mayjovial
Thanks for sharing this with me. It was fabulous
I appreciate your feedback! I'm so glad you like the Newsletter!
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Angelsmom
Great newsletter! You addressed a difficult topic in an interesting way. It would be nice if I could pass all my wisdom on to my children and grandchildren but the fact is they will learn more by their own mistakes and success. Thank you for writing this. Angels Mom
PS...I don't know if this is appropriate...but thanks for including my writing!
I'm glad you enjoyed the newsletter ... yes, the kids and grandkids will probably learn more through their own experiences! Great that you enjoyed seeing your item featured. Thanks!
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Spiritual: May 20, 2009 Issue [#3044]
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