  Horror/Scary
This week: Edited by: W.D.Wilcox  
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OMG! IT'S CHRISTMAS! |
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GOOD SANTA v/s BAD SANTA
At this joyous time of year some people begin to doubt whether or not there really is a Santa Claus. And, if there is a Good Santa, does that mean there is also a Bad Santa? The ying-and-yang of things, you know? For those of you out there that have ever had such a brain-burp, I am offering up some letters to you from The Big Guy himself. Enjoy.
This one goes out to all you bloggers…
Dear Mary,
You needn’t write Santa a letter this year.
Santa need only check your Blog to determine what your wishes are, since there you express every single thought. Santa does not need any further communication from you when your thoughts run like an incontinent river at blabbermouth.blogspot.com.
Not only does Santa know when you’ve been naughty and nice, Mary, everyone with Internet access does. We knew when you had sexual relations with that guy you met at the WalMart. We knew when you missed your period. We knew when you started, stopped, and re-started all five major diet programs. We certainly knew when you wrote your suicide note to the world.
So, please—put away your computer. If Santa needs any more details about your wishes, he will just read your friggin’ Blog.
Something to think about,
TTYL,
-Santa
And here’s one for you Non-Believers…
Dear Little Tommy,
Remember me? The fat ol’ elf that brought you that puppy you begged for when you were three? Yeah, that’s right, smart guy—Santa Claus. I’m real, I’m back, and I’m pissed off.
Where’s the love, Tommy? Why you doing me like you do: “Oh, ha-ha, Santa doesn’t exist! Santa is just a kid’s myth! Your parents actually buy all your presents…” Bull! I still have the piss stains in my sleigh from that damn dog I brought you all those years ago.
Now what’s the payback I get? You think I’m some benign social construct created for the purpose of getting kids to behave well. That hurts, Tommy. That cuts real deep.
Crossing Santa isn’t smart, you know. I know everything about you…even stuff you don’t know yet.
I’ll be seeing ya soon, Tommy. Real soon.
Regards,
-Santa
It’s amazing to me how some people stop believing in Santa only to move on and start believing in bigger and better things, like…I don’t know…Star Trek?
Dear Bob,
We need to talk.
You’ll notice I addressed you above as Bob—not as K’troc of the House of Khan’tek.
According to Santa’s notes, you are now 37 years old. You are not part of the Klingon House of Khan’tek. The sad fact is that you are part of the House of Your Mother--living in her basement no less.
This is not an honorable house, Bob. This house brings you great dishonor. It's your Mom's place for god's sake. Geez...
Santa needs you to face these facts. This is the year of tough love for the two of us.
There will be nothing in Santa’s bag for you. No English-to-Klingon dictionary. No full-dress warrior costume. No Klingon Academy role-play games. No full-scale models of the Warbird. And, just so you know, that stinking crab shell you glued to your forehead looks totally ridiculous.
Time to get real, Bobby,
Sincerely,
-Santa
Well, that’s my Ho-Ho-Ho for this Christmas. Have a wonderful Holiday and a Happy New Year.
Until next time,
billwilcox
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WARNING! FOR ADULT EYES ONLY!
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Remembering The Last Newsletter
Thomas 
Submitted Comment:
LOL! Interesting way to take a silver lining out of feeling positive....
darkin
Submitted Comment:
Wow, now I'm a little moody!!! Maybe I need to take a coffee break?
Great newsletter, Bill...hopefully you'll get out of your mood soon! 
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Horror/Scary: December 17, 2008 Issue [#2778]
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