This week: A-Parently Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI Love my family  
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Recently, some friends have confided in me about the issues / arguments / problems they're having with spouses, or, mostly, in-laws.
This has set me thinking - and often, being a mere observer, I can empathize with both 'sides'. So I wonder - is it all about how we were brought up? |
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Dear Reader,
When you come to think of it, is everything you do or avoid doing a response to your parents (primary caregivers)?
Sometimes, it can be blatantly, "I don't want to do to my kids what my Mom did to me" and so, as a parent yourself, you attempt to do the complete opposite of whatever it was. Sometimes it is, "This worked for my Dad and I turned out okay, so ..."
But more often, it's subtler than that. Unknowingly, we either mimic our parents or gravitate toward things our parents would approve of or shy away from things our parents would disapprove of. It is said that some people seek a parental figure in their spouse. (My aunt once wanted to fix me up with a guy who was bald because my Dad was bald and so, of course, I'd like the guy!)
The thing is, while bringing us up, our parents are dealing with their own issues, including how they were brought up.
A poll I did on WDC "Parental Problems - (for a Newsletter)" showed that - at the time of writing this - the problem that worries the most number of parents is Finances.
Yes, that would be. Having a kid / kids is expensive. Food, clothing, shelter, school fees, entertainment, medical expenses, presents ... it all adds up. And this can skew the style of parenting. A parent may genuinely desire to spend more time with the kids, but may have to work those extra hours. A parent may understand how much a bike means to the child, but might simply not be able to afford it this year. The parent's heart probably aches more than the child's in such cases, but, unless communication is very clear and consistent, the child is going to grow up carrying hurts.
The second biggest difficulty as it emerged from the poll was 'Emotional stuff'. This is big these days, with mental health being in focus a lot more than it used to be. I once spoke to a Mom who said that she was trying to teach her son that being a good person was more important than looks, and hence she never commented on his appearance. Years later, she found out that the son had grown up thinking he was ugly because his Mom never told him he was handsome. Tricky, eh?
'Medical stuff' and 'Handling siblings' tied for third place (at the time of writing this). Well, it is daunting. As a lay person, to take responsibility and decisions for someone completely dependent on you based on what Doctors advise - not easy. The initial decision of whether something needs a Doctor's attention or not, and if so when ... and all the rest of it.
Siblings are another story altogether. Each has a different temperament, what works with one doesn't work with the other and inter-sibling dynamics are unfathomable. I'm sure we've all met siblings who, as grown ups, love and respect each other and turn to each other in times of trouble. On the other hand, I have a friend whose brother now lives abroad and she doesn't even tell him when she's visiting that country. I know this family well and the parents were good, loving people ... but the sister now chooses to avoid her brother.
There were also some interesting insights in the comments for "Note: Please take this poll!
[Link To Item #23...".
What's the answer? In short, there isn't any fixed answer. However - I do think that two things help.
1. Clear intentions.
Know what your intentions are. If you are doing something for yourself, because it's cheaper / more convenient / less stressful / whatever - admit that to yourself. Don't pretend it's for the kids, they'll know you for a fake anyway.
2. Clear communication, as complete as possible.
It's probably worth taking a little time to communicate properly. Instead of just not-commenting on how her kid looked, the Mom could've complimented him sometimes and still shown by her own actions that she valued character more. Plus, she could've sat him down and talked to him about it.
To sign off, here's the most heartening thing about the poll. In second place overall in the vote is that problems don't matter because the rewards far outweigh the negatives.
There you have it. The rewards are greater (no matter what your 20-something-year-old tells the counsellor!)
Thanks for listening
PS - Please click!
1. "Parental Problems - (for a Newsletter)" - Do vote!
2. "Note: Please take this poll!
[Link To Item #23..." - Do read the discussion / join in.
PPS - Hey, watch this. There's a bit about parenting.
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Spiritual: February 26, 2025 Issue [#12973]
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