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| A talk with my niece, now grown up, set me thinking about family and what we tell the next generation. |
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Dear Reader,
My Mom was the oldest of four sisters. Their Mom, my grandma, was very efficient, helpful and practical. Her major flaw was the weapon she used most when she wanted to get her own way - emotional blackmail.
Her husband and four daughters were the ones the emotional blackmail was directed at ... which meant that while learning to cope, the four sisters also learnt to use this weapon remarkably well. This they did, as they grew, against their own husbands and children.
Which meant that we cousins learnt, too, to use emotional blackmail. I confess to sometimes using it against Dad. The family is now scattered across the globe so I didn't really have much idea of my cousins as adults but it came as no surprise when my niece visited and confided in me that her mother tries to make her feel guilty for things she hasn't done.
My niece is now an adult and I could see how much this bothers her. My own Mom died seventeen years ago and I can still feel the effects of her emotional warfare. I decided to level with my niece. I told her this is a family fault, and she shouldn't take on guilt when something wasn't her responsibility.
She said, "My goodness, if this has come down the generations, what'll happen when I marry and have kids of my own? I do want a family, will I be like that to them?"
I reassured her that the fact that she's asking this and knows she has to guard against it will stand her in good stead. I hope I've helped her.
"You didn't help," a friend retorted, when I told her of this conversation. "It can never help to turn a young lady against her mother. What were you thinking?"
What was I thinking?
I was thinking of my own anguish, and that of my Dad. Of the anguish I know that others have faced. Of how keeping quiet about it only perpetrates it. Oh, I loved my grandma and my mother and my aunts. But nobody is free of faults, and when things are brushed under the carpet in the name of family honour, things very often grow and go bad.
We had a good childhood, we had things, we had outings, we followed our hobbies. It's just that this one aspect - that of being emotionally blackmailed - sometimes created a jarring note. For me, the note still jars 17 years later. I want it to be recognised as the first step toward at least reducing its negative impact.
Did I do wrong? Should I have said, "Oh no dear everything is perfect" or words to that effect? Worse, should I have implied that her Mom, being older and wiser, is right and the girl is somehow at fault? Is that what being a family means? I don't know.
All I know is, I don't feel guilty about that conversation. If I've done a little bit to ease her life, that'll please me greatly!
Thanks for listening,
- Sonali |
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Spiritual: November 06, 2024 Issue [#12792]
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