This week: Fall Out Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Autumn is the hardest season. The leaves are all falling, and they're falling like
they're falling in love with the ground.
― Andrea Gibson
Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.
― Nora Ephron
Days decrease, / And autumn grows, autumn in everything.
― Robert Browning |
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Disclaimer: This newsletter is written from the perspective of someone living in the temperate regions of the Northern Hemisphere. If you live in the Tropics, lucky you. If you live south of that, maybe wait six months before reading the editorial. Also, because I'm lazy and live in the US, all temperature discussion will be in degrees Fahrenheit, distances in feet/miles, and weight in pounds. Sure, I can do the conversions in my head, because I'm really smart. But I won't, because I'm really lazy.
I hate Fall.
There, I said it.
Yeah, I heard your gasps of surprise and disbelief all the way over here. What's not to love about Fall? There's pumpkin spice! Halloween! Christmas decorations in stores! No kids in the house on weekdays!
Let me put it simply: once the temperature drops below about 75, I'm miserable. Below 65, and I'm cold. Below 55, and I freeze. No, more clothing doesn't help. Give me Summer's 100-degree temperatures, and I'm happy as a cliché clam.
Also, Christmas should stay the hell out of Halloween season. It's disrespectful. If you can't wait until December, at least put it off until November 1.
I don't hate pumpkin spice. But I'd like it more if it weren't in bloody everything. Even beer.
I never have kids in the house, so the school schedule doesn't help me. It actually makes things more inconvenient, as I live within a mile of an elementary school and 2 miles of a major university, so traffic starts to suck.
But I'll tell you what I despise most about Fall, or Autumn, or whatever you call it in your native language:
Leaves.
"Oh, but they're pretty! You need to go to Vermont in the Fall!"
No. No, I don't. I've done it, sure, but never again. Because all I can see in Nature's multicolored Fall festival is all the leaves that I need to remove from my walk, driveway, porch, patio, roof, rain gutters, and deck. Everyone around me has the same problem, so it's Leaf Blower season here around this time of year. Which is even worse than Lawnmower Season. Plus, it's work, and like I said in the disclaimer above, I'm lazy, and violently allergic to work.
In my town, you're supposed to gather all your leaves into big piles in the street up against the curb (but never on the sidewalks), and the City is supposed to come by with a giant vacuum cleaner to remove them. This, of course, eats into parking spots, and you get kids who still think it's fun to jump in the piles, scattering the leaves once again and getting ticks.
Worse, every year, without exception in the 30 years I've lived here, the City utterly forgets to send the suck truck down my street, and we have to remind them in, like, January, by which time the detritus has already started to decompose and collect sn*w.
The only thing I hate more than Fall is Winter.
There is one bright spot, though: Oktoberfest-style beer is readily available in September.
It's the only way I can get through this month. After that, the only thing that helps is visiting the tropics. |
Thinking of doing NaNoWriMo this year? Or maybe just want some motivation for a novel on your own time? This is your year! And Prep can help:
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Last time, in "Foreign, Far Out" , I discussed how to be an American tourist abroad.
s  : I'd laugh at this, but the US tourists we get here are just like that. Especially the loud part. Oh, and the US rights part. Oh, yeah, and the comparison part. yeah, I can't forget the point and laugh part. Yep, and the identify part. Almost forgot, the talk politics part. Even sometimes the talk English part, even though we do speak a form of English here. About the only thing we don't see is the "tip" part because Australians will just take the money from a dumb Seppo.
A case could be made that you only notice the loud and obnoxious ones, because they're loud and obnoxious. They're that way at home, too.
Elycia Lee ☮  : Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
I find it amusing that the only people to comment on this newsletter aren't from the US.
So that's it for me for September! Go eat some pumpkin spice and, until next time,
LAUGH ON!!!
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Comedy: September 11, 2024 Issue [#12735]
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