This week: Foreign, Far Out Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.
—G.K. Chesterton
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
—Mark Twain
Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.
—Neil Gaiman |
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In the process of planning for an upcoming trip, I've encountered a few scattered bits of travel advice. Being a generous person, I decided to share all of them with you readers. These are specifically for US travelers visiting other countries; if you live in one of these other countries, treat it as a guide for what to expect.
1. Speak English. Everyone knows English. Or, if they don't, they're pig-ignorant savages unworthy of communicating with you anyway. None of that accent stuff, either; I mean good ol' English invented in the USA.
2. Be as loud as possible. To get all the benefits you're entitled to, be sure to make lots of noise and complain about everything. It works great in the US; why not all over the world?
3. Insist on your rights as an American. The laws and customs of other countries don't apply to you.
4. Tip lavishly. It's the least you can do for those whose sole purpose in life is to serve you.
5. Point and laugh. Remember, the US is the pinnacle of civilization and culture. Everyone else only wishes they could have what we have. Their feeble attempts at things like art, music, and food preparation are quaint and silly, but you have to give them credit for trying.
6. Identify yourself. Whether it's by wearing a T-shirt featuring a bald eagle packing an AR-15, or perhaps the Stars and Stripes sewn across the ass of your pants, be sure to let everyone know, by some means, that you're a proud US citizen. That way, you'll be sure to get what you deserve.
7. Compare everything. I mean, sure, they have the Eiffel Tower, but we have the Washington Monument. They have the Taj Mahal, but that ain't nothin' compared to the glorious architecture of your local Wal-Mart. And there may be some other pretty sights, but do they compare to our World's Biggest Ball of String? Of course not.
8. Talk about politics. Everyone appreciates it when you give them helpful advice on how to run their countries the right way.
So that's it: How to be an American traveler in other countries. Helpful advice! |
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Last time, in "How To Win a Pun War" , I discussed the highest form of humor.
Fivesixer  : I always thought the best way to win a pun war was to not get involved.
No, that's the way to automatically lose, just like you lose every race you don't run.
And that's it for me for August! See you next month. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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Comedy: August 14, 2024 Issue [#12685]
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