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Review #4809270
Viewing a review of:
 Home Alone With A Ghost Open in new Window. [E]
Short scary story about something that happened to me. If you enjoyed, leave some gp
by Tenebris Author Icon
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#4809270
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

This is an excellent idea for a longer story! You’ve got a great outline here with a very creepy atmosphere and the makings of a good horror story. It is missing the emotional impact of the experience – you described the events but not the kind of feelings that would make the hair on the readers’ necks stand on end. You could add some detail, like what the person sitting on the bed looked like. Was he a normal guy who could be mistaken for a burglar, was he a half-rotten skeleton, or a ghost-like creature? What did it feel like when he turned to you, what were his eyes like, did he have a menacing grin? Little details like that would make the story come to life and the readers would feel the kind of terror you must have felt in that situation.


*PenG* Suggestions:

while I was playing a video game I felt like I had to go to the bathroom
There should be a comma after ‘game’.

my grandparents room
my grandparents bed
There should be an apostrophe in grandparents’ to indicate possession.

staring at the thing for like 5 minutes, but was more like 7 seconds
I sat in there for about 10 minutes
I’ve seen conflicting rules for this, but numbers under one hundred generally need to be spelled out. Some guidelines seem to say it’s ten, but also state you should be consistent, so I would spell them all out here.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I liked how you mentioned those feeling telling you what you shouldn’t do, and then you promptly went and did it anyway. Both times, you immediately wished you hadn’t, and the second time seemed even scarier than the first. I think this is a very good start, it just needs fleshing out to make it a great story.




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