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 Review #4807860 |
 | Streets of Gold Chapter 1  [E] Chapter 1 of a new story. Fantasy.  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: This was a great start to a longer story. I’m not sure if it’s long enough for a first chapter, but I was left with lots of questions and if I had the whole novel in front of me, I would definitely read on. The opening paragraph worked well to introduce the main character and the setting, and you included some great details that made it easy to picture the scene, like the billowing red cloak. You also mentioned a second character, and the relationship between the two remained a bit of a mystery. One was in charge, the other served him, but there seemed to be more, a former friendship perhaps, or an old rivalry. A third character might hold the answer to what their relationship was since they were both thinking about her, and they seemed to blame each other for whatever happened to her. Apart from the fact that it wasn’t yet clear who they used to be before they ended up in this situation, their relationship was interesting. Gideon couldn’t hide his contempt for the man he served and went through the motions, trying to be just polite enough without appearing like he actually respected the guy. Gregory, on the other hand, was well aware of Gideon’s feelings and allowed them for a reason that wasn’t quite clear yet. It was quite intriguing to watch the interaction between the two.  Suggestions: The story was quite polished and I only noticed a couple of issues. One of them was a recurring punctuation error: It's not Gregory's fault Gideon. No salute to your betters Gideon? Your impertinence will only get you so far Gideon. If you had done your job Gideon In all of these sentences, you need a comma before “Gideon” to set off the direct address and clarify that "Gideon" is being spoken to, not part of the sentence’s subject or object. only allowed smirk to cross his face There seemed to be a word missing, “allowed a smirk”. And this is not an error as such, but I noticed that the readers were in Gideon’s head all the way through, up until this sentence: The baron felt sweat break out in the thick folds of his skin. Here, you switched to Gregory, which I found a little jarring. To stay with Gideon, I would suggest describing this from his point of view - instead of the baron feeling it, just describe it happening which implies that Gideon is seeing it.  Final Thoughts: I thought you structured this chapter very well, introducing what seem to be the two main characters in a way that they were easy to imagine, and leaving the readers with questions they want answers to. I saw that the second chapter is also in your portfolio, and if I have time, I might be back to read on.    A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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