%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4807101 |
 | Hot Shot  [ASR] Entry for Animal Cruelty/Domestic Violence Contest  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: The ending was quite humorous but the story itself was not. I’m not surprised that you and your cousin were furious at how the horses were treated. Incidentally, I appreciated that you explained at the beginning who the character’s were. I always wonder if a story written in first person is true, but I don’t like to assume, and it was nice to know from the start. The descriptions were very good, too good even because there were parts I didn’t want to imagine in too much detail. I liked the way you and your cousin reacted though. You were only a teenager but you took on a bunch of grown men, albeit with the backing of a gun, to stop them from mistreating the horses. If nothing else, had they reported this to the sheriff you would have been in trouble. The way you explained why they didn’t made sense though, but I empathised with the dad in this story who was naturally worried what might have happened or might still happen.  Suggestions: There were a number of grammatical errors in this story that you might want to take care of if you are planning to edit this story: Watch out for punctuation in dialogue. It needs to go before the closing speech marks, not after, like in this sentence: "You won't do that", Little Tom, the foreman's son stated. It should be, “You won’t do that,” Little Tom, the foreman’s son, stated. (You also need a comma after “son”.) Check if sentences are questions and if so, use a question mark instead of a comma or period at the end. Like in this sentence: "And how are you going to make us do that", Tim, the foreman's brother asked. It should be, “And how are you going to make us do that?” Tim, the foreman’s brother, asked. (Again, you need an additional comma after “brother”.) Or here: "Are you willing to call my bluff." I asked. The period should be a question mark. They foreman said Just a typo, “The foreman”. I had spoken in his behalf I believe the phrase is “spoken on his behalf.  Final Thoughts: It was fascinating to read about this event, and even more so knowing that it was a true story. The parents’ concern was very relatable, and I could imagine how they must have felt when they heard what had happened. Fortunately the uncle had your back and no one got in trouble, and the horses were safe even though the dad was going to struggle to pay for them. All the main characters came across very well in this tale, and it was an interesting read. With a bit of editing, you’ll have a great story!    A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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