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 Review #4805127 |
 | The girl in the glass  [ASR] This story may not be suitable for younger children  |
| (3.5)| Hello, I found this story while browsing the read and review section of writing.com. Before I get into sharing my thoughts with you, I noticed that your account is only a day old. That being said, I'd like to welcome you to writing.com. I hope you find this community as helpful as I have these many years. I'd like to mention that in some of my reviews you may see a word with a dotted underline like this. This is a spot in a sentence that I've marked for your attention. I've packed a comment within the notes that you can read simply by mousing over the word or phrase with this dotted underline. I'd like to mention that I enjoy a good spooky tale, having written many myself, so I'm ecstatic that I found one! There's not enough of the scary writers here on writing.com. I'm glad you found this site. *** Opening *** Sadly, there's not much here that implores me to keep reading. The opening line of a story is your one good shot at grabbing a reader's attention. The hook. This, in my opinion, makes it the most important line in the writing. As such it is the one that ought to be read, reread, and thought over again. The greatest opening lines in novels tug on a reader's emotion and establish tone. My very favorite ones do this in few words. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey ▼ Farhenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury ▼ That said, your opening paragraph is not at all without hope. As a matter of fact, though wordier than I prefer an opening hook, your second sentence sets a great tone, and I think it would do better as your first sentence with a tiny bit of trim.  It was always the subject of quiet rumors, but it was also one of those places that didn’t seem to want to let go of the stories people whispered about it. That sentence with a bit of adjustment could make for a magnificent opening line while taking into consideration the exposition you had in your first line, a small adjustment can set up to where you can keep everything, but establish a solid hook:  The house was always the subject of quiet rumors, but it was also one of those places that seemed to cling to its whispered stories. Just a suggestion but it sets a solid tone, and allows you to move your original opener to the second line, and you'll lose none of the exposition. *** Style and Voice *** You have a tendency to utilize certain key words that contribute to passive voice i.e. verb forms of to be such as was, is, be, been, etc.. These words have a way of diminishing the imagery, which when setting an ominous and foreboding tone, that is the last thing you want to do. Some examples of this: The wind was sharp, biting her skin, but it wasn’t enough to make her turn around and walk back.This could be better visualized by dropping the was and giving the sharp bite of the wind a life of its own, this will help the reader better envision the scene and give them a firmer foothold into your character's PoV. The sharp bite of the wind stung her skin, but it wasn't enough for her to retreat.This gives the wind a bit more life in the scene, which could further be explored by its sound. A wailing, rustling, ghostly moans, etc. Exploring the 5 senses (sight, smell, sound, taste, touch) can help better set the stage for the reader. The door was cracked open just enough that she could see the dust, the decay, the thick layer of neglect that had built up over the years.The bolds words again, show key words that contribute to passive voicing and telling rather than showing. Especially in the world of ominous writing, the reader wants to feel the scene in their bones through the eyes of the character. Setting tension, and eeriness is crucial by giving descriptive, and vivid imagery. One of the easiest ways to do this is by avoiding leaning on weak crutches like to be verbs and telling verbs like see, seemed, heard, etc. To establish tension, and ominous scenery giving these things a bit of life is a great method. The cracked door offered a slight glean into the dark dilapidation of dust and decay that enshrouded the interior with gloomy tales of neglect.The floor creaked under her boots, and a musty smell hit her as soon as the door closed behind her.As Max Griffin 🏳️🌈  says: think of a story as a guided dream. Avoiding telling the reader what is happening in the scene is key to guiding your reader through that dream. Again, this can be done by avoiding those weak crutches I mentioned above (musty smell) in this case. While the start of the sentence is also mildly telling, its simplicity is sometimes needed to set a firmer foothold in the next image you want the reader to experience. A creak is easy enough to imagine. A musty smell, not so much. Everyone kind of knows the smell of old but it's still abstract, and we only recognize it WHEN we smell it. Consider how what smells mix to make an old house smell old. In my town (all original houses were built in early 1900s or earlier) There's a lot of distinguishing smells. Neglected ones smell moldy, rotted, wet, earthy, dusty, and rusty. Now it would be silly to list all of these things, but using a couple more specific words like this can better paint a picture for the reader to arrive at the conclusion of a musty smell. The icy air hung low and sick with the perfumes of mold and stagnant water that assaulted her as the door groaned hideously behind her. It clicked shut, hammering its shocking snap through the quiet, oppressive creaks and moans of the wind washed interior.Again, these are just suggestions, but the key to ominous settings is adding tension, and subtle images. Distinct words that hit the emotions harshly accomplish this task well. This suggestion, also eliminates the telling line of the next sentence (a little surprised by how loud it sounded) It accomplishes this through the vivid verbiage that rings through the subtle sounds of the exterior winds. In this case, your next sentence: She jumped...Would be a completely appropriate response, but it eliminates the need for the telling loud sound that follows that statement. I do like the image of the quiet settling back in though, that's terrific! The reason I say that is tension is best established through high and low points. Peaks of senses followed by brief breaks set the next scene to hit harder. In horror, writers like Stephen King, and Clive Barker use comedy relief. In Thriller/Suspense, its more subtle like this, or its through a nice seat on a patio sipping iced tea, either way works, the point is the high and low you did there is perfect! There wasn’t a sound—just the low hum of the wind outside.This is a bit of a contradiction, isn't it? I get it, but it did kind of distract me a bit. Perhaps consider something like: The quiet wails of the wind churning outside was the only interruption to the heavy silence.Something like that, again it's your writing, but rather than contradicting yourself in the same sentence, something like this would offer the picture but not diminish the otherwise quiet interior. The flashlight in her hand flickered once, then stayed on, and she sighed in relief.Nothing wrong with this sentence. I do, however, want to point out another example of you deftly utilizing highs and lows to establish tension. Well done. The wallpaper was peeling in places, and the floorboards looked like they hadn’t been walked on in decades.This is all a bit telling in a sense, the wallpaper for the most part is okay, but I think you could establish a bit of atmospheric richness here by just a quick sentence describing the wallpaper. Floral? Flat? Pale? Dingy? Just a quick nod to it would help better set the scene. The floorboards however, could be better described. How would they look if they hadn't been walked on in decades? My guess is they'd be caked with dust, mildewy, warped, etc. Any of these to establish to the reader they hadn't been walked on in decades would show us the image, and we would then discern that that was the case. {popnote:"The air was cold,}telling a kind of chill that got under her skin and made her feel like she wasn’t really alone.Aw you were sooooo close here. This sentence is almost right where it needs to be. The chilling part is perfect, but give the air a bit of life rather than saying it was cold. Icy claws raked her skin as the chilling air crawled under her skin... etc.It wasn’t until she saw the mirror at the end of the hallway that the unease settled in. Again, you were real close with this, but the unease settling in is still a bit telling. What does this feel like through your character? Quoting my most favorite story of all time, by Edgar Allen Poe, who I believe to be the master of unease: The Fall of the House of Usher by Edgar Allen Poe ▼ ...just a cracked old thing hanging crookedly, its frame an ornate mess of peeling gold.I love this bit right here. Her breath was sharp, shallow, and she expected the mirror to feel like normal glass, but it didn’t. It felt *wrong*. Like there was something *on the other side*.I'd drop the asterisks and go for italicizing this by using the writingML code {i}italics{/i}. Other than that, the sentence is pretty good, but I'd give her breath some action rather than telling me it was sharp and shallow. She choked back sharp and shallow breaths...The walls were bending, stretching like they weren’t part of the house anymore.This scene was really chugging full steam. This sentence immediately pulled me out of it because of its passive delivery. Consider: The walls bent and stretched as they slithered further and further from the path through the house she'd trod.She could feel her pulse pounding in her throat.Maybe try something like: Her pulse stuck in her throat like a pounding lump.*** Ending *** Really nice ending, loved it. *** Summary *** You've got the right idea. You're really close to having a great tale here. Sadly the biggest reason that it its stifled is through a good deal of telling rather than showing, especially in the first half. Spots where you just barely mention the stains on the wall that looked like water damage could be better imagined through what your PoV is seeing. What color? Blotchy? Dingy? Dark? Water damage on plaster would decay the plaster. The walls would warp a bit, the plaster would be brittle and crumble, and the floor underneath would be warped beyond anything (I used to do home repair, water damage is pretty nasty) I will say the second half is a real change of pace, and your climax of the scene was nearly perfect. It hit all the right chords for emotion and tension, and the stretching hallways really pulled me into the story. The pulse image of Clara was good, but I'd have liked a bit more feel for desperation in this moment. That being said, your tension setting is superb. You've got a great grasp of relieving the reader through highs and lows to set the next hit of the scene. You've definitely got a knack for spookiness, and this has all the makings of being counted among the modern atmospheric delves a good fright read. If you give this a good and solid polish, I'm confident that you'd have yourself a magnificent piece of scary storytelling. I think you're real close here. I've included an article discussing showing vs. telling, and its impact on a story. This is written by a writer here that I consider to be one of the best on writing.com. Oddly enough, he was also my first in-depth review, and if it weren't for him I wouldn't have ever developed into the writer I am now.
I hope this article helps, there's some great information here. I also hope this review helps. I know it might seem like I really ripped it apart, but it wasn't meant to be mean-spirited in any way. I really did enjoy this writing. Like I said, you're really close to having something real special here. I thank you for sharing this story, it was a joy to read. Best of luck in all your other writings, and again, welcome to writing.com.      My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 03/18/2025 @ 5:42am EDT