%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4804537 |
 | "Don't Bother Me"  [E] An absurdist tale of man vs. fly.  |
| (4.5)| Hello, I found this in the Read & Review section of writing.com and would like to take a few minutes to share my thoughts with you. Before I get into this I want to say I noticed your account is only about a day old, that said I'd like to offer you a warm welcome to writing.com, I hope you find this community as helpful as I have over these many years. I'd like to preface this review to let you know that I read this in its entirety before deciding to write this. While there's a few things that I'd consider more stylistic of a change, I was pressed to find any real errors. Well done. You've got a magnificent grasp on writing. The few comments I do have for this are simply my own opinion, and should be taken as such. None of what I say is meant to be mean-spirited. *** Opening *** I will say the story as whole is enjoyable, but it does lack an initial hook. At least for me. I imagine you wrote that sentence thinking it would evoke a desire to know more, but for me it just fell a little flat. This writing really falls down a rabbit hole of a crazed obsession. I think a more visceral opening would better serve the purpose of opening the writing. Perhaps consider the inescapable irritation of the buzzing sound. This is, however, your story. If you like it, then who am I to argue? *** Style and Voice *** There really wasn't a lot here that stood out in terms of weak sentences. I'd make a small suggestion of adding a space between paragraphs, just for folks like me who are at the "starting to squint when reading" age. I'd have liked the last exchange with the fly to perhaps have a moment of locking eyes. I think it could have added a little more before the ending. *** Ending *** Sometimes the one who keeps calm and collected is the one to follow, really that's the case most of the time. The emotional roller coasters always end up as a hammer looking for a nail. Sometimes they smash a window, sometimes a puppy, and sometimes they actually hit a nail, but they usually bring the building down first. This is a good representation of that anecdote. *** Summary *** It's a silly story but it's funny in the right slapstick sort of way, if a bit of extreme slapstick. It reminds me of the Breaking Bad scene when Walt is trying to catch a fly in the lab. The imagery is good, and it paces down a crazed descent into madness. I can relate. I hate flies. I really hate how they circle back to land on you right after you shoo them away. I really feel this guy's pain. This was an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing it, and again, welcome to writing.com      My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 03/09/2025 @ 9:44am EDT