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 Review #4804368 |
 | T.I.B: First Awakening|1  [E] An unnamed person wakes up after many years of an outbreak, needing to escape(not my best)  |
| (3.0)| Hello, I found this while browsing the Read a Newbie section of writing.com. The image was captivating. Generally, I'm not a big reader of sci-fi, but the sub-genre being dark, I decided to give it a go. Before I get real far into this review, let me first welcome you to writing.com. I hope you find this community as helpful as I have these many years. I want to note that I'm not quite at the age that I need reading glasses, but I'm getting there. The font size of this isn't exactly comfortable to read. You mentioned in the intro that this is not your best work. We all start somewhere, and while I'm far from an expert writer, in the 15 years I've been on this site, I've grown to be a far better writer than when I first arrived, thanks to receiving solid, in-depth feedback to my work. It wasn't always what I wanted to hear, but it was the honest, less than stellar comments that sent me on a mission to learn how to improve my craft. That said, because of those helpful reviews, I too take an in-depth approach to the reviewing process. The comments you'll see may not be what you were hoping to see, but please understand that none of them were meant to be mean-spirited. I only wish to point out where I think the writing could use some attention. After all, the overly positive compliments are nice and maybe boost the ego a bit, but it's the solid, honest critiques that stick to the ribs. What you'll get from me is only the honest opinion of a reader in real-time. I'd like to mention that in some of my reviews you may see a word with a dotted underline like this. This is a spot in a sentence that I've marked for your attention. I've packed a comment within the notes that you can read simply by mousing over the word or phrase with this dotted underline. I want to point out that there are several instances of passive voice and showing vs. telling in the writing. I simply don't have the time to mark every single occurrence of this right now, as there are quite a few, but I've written examples for you, as well as possible ways to rectify this common mistake. If you would prefer I do an actual line-by-line review of the writing, simply ask, and I will find the time to do this for you, but it will take some time. There's also issues with continuity in the writing. Things in the scene simply pop in out of nowhere, an example:  He realized how high up he was, and would need to take the long way down as he soon figured out the elevator was not functioning.The elevator is mentioned nowhere in the scene, it simply just appears, poof. This makes the story feel fragmented, like there's missing bits. You could actually sort of use this to your advantage in a way, given the content of the writing, this could sort of read almost like a bit of amnesia as the PoV character comes back into his senses from 27 years of not using them. Granted, you'd have to firmly plant the reader into that perspective which would be pretty challenging, but it COULD work, or you could simply tie everything into the scene through atmosphere, which would be the much easier, albeit less artistic liberty way to do it. That method would also be easily accepted by a reader and wouldn't require any explanation, all the while painting a clearer picture of this dystopian setting and would be the method I would suggest. I want to also mention that you tend to bounce between present and past tense in the writing. This can be confusing and distracting for the reader. I think in terms of the tone and delivery you're going for, it would be more ominous if written in past tense, but that is entirely your decision. *** Opening *** As badly as it's trying, there's really no hook to the opening line. There's nothing pulling me in to compel me to read more. The first line is usually your one and only shot at grabbing the reader's attention. In my opinion, it is the most important line of the story like a first impression at a job interview. Personally, I prefer short sentences that pull on emotion in one way or another. The greatest openers in fiction do this with very few words. Some examples: Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury ▼ One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey ▼ Keeping these in mind, it's not to say there's no hope for your opening line. There's some real solid potential at setting the dark, ominous tone I think you'd like to capture. Firstly, I think you're simply offering way too much information right from the off. Give it to me in snippets, a sentence here, a sentence there. A big infodump like this is sadly dull rather than foreboding. Perhaps consider something a bit more obscure that gives away just enough information to elaborate in the next few lines. This will captivate your audience with a desire to know more. Something like:  The infection was named the hivemind.or perhaps In 27 years, the hivemind infection spread rapidly.I've got a bit of misgivings about an adverb so early in the writing, but this gives the time, and the tone. Granted, this is your writing, and this is only a suggestion, but something like this, pulls on me to know more. It gives away just a bit, allowing you to further dig into the exposition in the coming lines, without a massive, wordy infodump. *** Style and Voice *** Sadly, the opening lines of your writing deliver in a passive voice that is generally not a great way to get a writing going. Some folks do use passive voice to great success and I don't follow the dogmatic opinion that all passive voice is bad, but too much of it makes a writing a bit dull. In the case of the opening lines, the lack of vivid verbiage and the contraction of who with the to be verb is is the primary culprit of this. the hivemind makes anybody who's infected with it not have control of their own body, the infection controls their body. This section of your opening sentence (Which I believe is far too long) is dull because of the sections of marked above. There's no vivid imagery here to really set the mood. I'm guessing based on the little information I have, this infection is pretty horrific. A name like the hivemind which is all I have to go on, gives me the feeling that its almost sentient. Give it some life. This will give you a more active voicing. Try something like: The hivemind controls the bodies of its hosts.This says the same thing, with more active voicing, and less than half of the words used to arrive at the same conclusion using passive voice. As subject 4474 stumbled out the cryo tube he had been placed in, he found himself to be looking at a bulletin board that had a note that read:This is another example of passive voice and telling vs. showing. Again, there's a lack of vivid imagery to plant me into the story. I should be experiencing this through the eyes of your PoV character, as Max Griffin 🏳️🌈  says: think of a story as a guided dream. This is sound advice, and it is the duty of the writer to provide firm ground for the imagination to do the work. Don't tell me he's looking at a bulletin board, show me through his eyes, utilize the 5 senses in your story (touch, taste, sound, sight, and smell) Avoid weak words such as seemed, saw, looking, felt, etc. Give the imagery life through vivid verbiage. I'd consider a restructuring using a bit of sensory images such as:Subject 4474 strained to coax the unfamiliar use of his muscles as he stumbled out of the cryo tube. He rubbed the bright blur of 27 years from his unaccustomed eyes as his hazy vision focused on a bulletin board that hung on the wall above a table in front of him.This paints a picture in the mind of the reader. Granted, I'm no scientist, I have no idea what 27 years in cryo storage would do to a body. I'm sure it wouldn't be like simply flipping a switch. While it was instant for the mind, the internal clock I think would know, and it would take time for the character to adjust, just like when you spend time in the dark to go out into a bright day. Things like this give me a vivid sensory image of what is happening to your character. Based on further exposition in the coming lines, it also gives context to the table that comes into play. This will keep continuity in the writing without things just appearing in the scene as it unfolds. "Dear subject , if you are seeing this it means you're likely the last one left; they were hoarding the door as I was writing this ▼ , so I dont have much time left. Under the table is a metal pipe- use it to defend yourself." First, I would consider dropping the quotations and italicizing this. I would mark it in the typos below, but I'll just do it here: Hoarding is the act of accumulating items. Hording is a large group or swarm. Also, I don't mind a bit of grammatical flair, but I feel like the person that wrote this, in the heat of the moment didn't care about semi-colons. I'd consider making this feel a bit more hasty and frantic, this will add a bit of edginess and realism to it. I'd also mention the dropnote above, you've written the note in a past perfect tense, using the notes I've packed in there, consider instead writing it in present tense to give the author's situation a more dire feel to it. I would perhaps offer a more frantic restructuring that gives the scene a more ominous feel: Subject, I don't have much time left. They are hording the door as I write this. There is a metal pipe under the table—use it to defend yourself.This makes it feel more indirect without a formal address to the character as I'm guessing whoever wrote it wasn't a close friend to him. It's also more desperate in its delivery. I will say, I do like how it just chucks this guy right into a crappy situation. That sucks for him. It's opening like a horror style first person shooter would, I'm not much of a gamer, but I do enjoy me some "Dead Space." As he finished reading it , he looked under the table , located underneath the bulletin board, and found a metal pipe. ▼ In the above sentence there is another example of passive voice, and the one that I think is the most common. Passive voice in its dullest delivery, is written with the action acting on the subject, rather than the subject performing the action. Generally, this makes a sentence abstract as the reader is left waiting to see what the action is going to land on. I'd also mention that the way its written, He's looking under the table while at the same time, reading the last lines of the letter. as he finished reading it suggests he's doing this while also looking under the table. Unless he's one of those lizards, I don't think he can do that. There is also a comma splice above which I would mark in grammar, but I mentioned it in the dropnote. A comma splice is a comma that separates two independent clauses instead of a period. Sometimes you can get away with the use of a semi-colon, but in this case, I think a period would be more appropriate as the two sentences aren't exactly leaning on one another. That said, I think you should consider writing this with a more active tone that I mentioned. Keep in mind, when PoV is done right, the reader is already in the head of your character. We're reading that address to him FOR him. So stating that he finished reading it, isn't entirely necessary, and just gives hollow context to what the reader already knows, because WE just read it. Keeping that in mind, a restructure could look something like: A dented metal pipe lay on the floor beneath the table.As Subject 4474 walked through the halls, they noticed how bleak it is here: white tiled walls with a green stripe going horizontally down the hall, the gray tiled floor, and the white paneled roof with buzzing lights.There's a small continuity issue here, where it seems the character has now teleported into the halls rather than found his way there. You can use a page break here to skip whatever you feel isn't needed like the whole "walking to the door to the halls," but I'd say that that would be a missed opportunity to do a deeper dive into the atmosphere of the place. Again, I find myself wanting a bit more in terms of the character's senses. Sounds, brightness, the room he's in, all of it could really add a lot of depth to this writing that could be explored while he makes his way to the halls. You don't need to go real deep into it, but a few well written sentences could really paint a clearer picture for the reader. That said, this is a huge infodump for a reader. Sadly, all of it is simply a big list telling me what it looks like rather than showing me. Again, avoid the weak words like noticed, and put me behind the eyes of your character using more vivid imagery like the word bleak. which I think is a perfect opportunity to dig in. Electricity hummed in the lights overhead as Subject 4474 walked through the bleak halls. Bright white tiles bounded down the length of the walls and ceiling, interrupted by a pale green stripe that ran horizontally down the hall on either side. The buzzing lights flickered every so often with a glassy blink of darkness that swallowed the gray tiles at his feet.Something like that gives action to everything, and paints the scene better than it does by simply throwing everything out in a list. ...until he saw their face which had a huge rash on it. Ignoring the lack of a comma following their again this is an example of telling vs. showing. Give life to the rash with distinct and vivid verbiage: A scarlet, blistering rash seared the skin of their face.Descriptive action brings the scene to life rather than it reading like a sport caster recapping something on instant replay. Before he could find out{/popnote} the answer , the person lunged at himThere's a couple issues here, one I mentioned in the popnote above. The other being the person lunging is the bit of the sentence that carries the most weight, as such in this format, the sentence reads passive. The lunging should be in the forefront to bring the conflict and action to the reader faster. The person lunged at him before he could determine their malady.in a panic he swung the metal rod. This is another continuity issue. It was a pipe earlier. This is distracting for the reader because it stands out like a sore thumb. the person's skull made a loud cracking noise as they hit the wall; not moving.The reason that this sentence tells vs. shows is due again to the weak verbiage of made a loud cracking noise. Don't tell me, I want to hear it through your character. He hit them square in the forehead and a shock rattled through his hands with a hollow, metallic thud. The person reeled backward and slammed against the wall. A horrid crack erupted from the back of their skull before they crumpled motionless to the floor.Action should bring a scene to life. This is where it's your time to shine as a writer with sensory images for your reader. Granted, too wordy diminishes the action because it takes too long to sift the information, but a keyword here and there sprinkled in can give depth to the scene. In terms of the RIGHT or WRONG way to write action, I think there's not really a metric, but keep it flowing. (Short and exciting) As mentioned in a previous newsletter written by StephBee  : Action/Adventure Newsletter Feb. 12, 2025 After staring at the body for a moment, he continued to walk down the hall.You said this almost verbatim in a previous sentence, this is simply not needed and only makes the writing wordy. ...looking out the city was a mess: orange colored sky, broken or collapsing buildings, and many infected people roaming about. I want to mention that the panorama of the city when he first sees it should give the character an emotional rush otherwise it just feels synthetic. I think overall the city picture is good, but it needs a bit more depth to really drive it home rather than a list. Something like, Silhouettes of shattered and collapsing buildings rose against the glow of an orange sky. The derelict city sprawled as far as he could see to the burnt horizon. Infected people shuffled through the shadows of the ruins below... ...black marble floor.Marble is a porous stone, and you would not find it as the flooring of a lab because of that property. A lab would be floored with something generally non-reactive and resistant to spillage such as vinyl tile or epoxy resin. *** Grammar *** But soon the metal mechanical sliding door opened in front of them, as a person stumbled out ▼ ...While there are some grammatical things with this sentence, I also want to point out that this metal door just sort of appears out of nowhere in the story. As I mentioned try to keep continuity in your writing. I need a perspective of where this door is before it happens, he was walking through a hall, I can assume it's at the end of the hall, but this isn't at all mentioned. This makes the story feel more like a jigsaw puzzle, with snippets and fragments popping up in puffs of smoke in the writing and clicking into place. *** Typos *** ...cryo storage for 27 years after the outbreak of a infection that was named...*** Ending *** That's a nice cliffhanger. *** Summary *** It probably seems like I hammered this writing. Don't be discouraged by this. I'm only pointing these things out because what you have here has a lot of potential. With the right scene setting and tone, this could be a truly scary experience for a reader. You do have the foundations of a good story, but it gets lost in the wordiness of passive voice and telling the reader rather than showing them. Again, I've got no issues with a bit of it here and there, and I disagree with anyone that says that all passive voice is bad. I consider that an imperfect understanding of literary mechanics. I do however believe that too much of it isn't ideal in a writing. I've included articles by two terrific writers here on writing.com. Each explains the importance of showing vs. telling, and the impact of Passive and Active voice on writing.
I hope this review helped. I thank you for sharing this interesting scene, despite how this review may have come across, I did enjoy reading it. As I said there's a lot of potential here and with the proper tweaks, this would be a great story! Again, welcome to writing.com, and I look forward to seeing more of your work.     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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