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 Review #4804059 |
 | CHAINS OF FATE  [E] The man who was young once is now a fragile old man. he once was oppressed by the society.  |
| (3.5)| Hello, I found this while browsing the Read A Newbie section of writing.com. I'd like to first take a moment to extend to you my warmest welcome. I hope you find this community as helpful as I have over these many years. I'd like to preface this review with a few things. I tend to take a pretty in-depth approach to the review process. As such, it may seem that I am really picking something apart, negatively, that is not my intention. I'm merely pointing out areas of the writing that I think could use some attention. None of what I say is intended to be mean-spirited, but is simply just the real-time opinion of a reader. I do want to say that the title of your story ties in very nicely with the content. In my opinion, a well crafted title is as important as the opening line, and you've done well with this. Before I get way into this, I'd like you to know that I was going to mark areas of typos that lacked capitalization in the start of your sentences. There's simply too many to mark, so I'm bringing it to your attention here instead, just a quick edit can fix them all. Most of them are in your first paragraph. There's also some areas in the writing that are spaced improperly between punctuation a couple examples:  He lost everything , his house , his favorite dress .In the example, there's spaces between the word preceding your punctuation, and the actual punctuation. This isn't a major issue, but I thought I'd bring it to your attention. There are more areas in the writing like this, so give it a good once over. I can't mark them all or this review would be gigantic! I'd like to mention that in some of my reviews you may see a word with a dotted underline like this. This is a spot in a sentence that I've marked for your attention. I've packed a comment within the notes that you can read simply by mousing over the word or phrase with this dotted underline. With that said, allow me a few minutes to share with you my thoughts on your writing. *** Opening *** It's not a bad opening. It's intriguing, but there's some repetition that I think kind of takes away the impact because its distracting. The man who was young once is now a fragile old man. I'd suggest a simple redo of the opening line to remove the repetition:  The man who was young once, is now fragile and old.Sadly, this version lacks the hook that is so desperately needed in the start of a story. The best hooks (in my opinion) are accomplished with few words, but pull on the reader's emotional strings. Some examples: Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury ▼ A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens ▼ One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey ▼ The first line is the one and only chance you have at getting a reader's attention and imploring them to read more. That is why the first line should be really given a lot of your attention. Consider what is going to pull on a reader's strings when thinking of your character, and think about what your first line tells me. Right now, I know he's old, he was once young. That's it. Granted, I know that unless there's some terrible medical condition, every old person was once young. Consider for a moment the pleasure one gets (at least I do) of talking with the old timers about life back when they were young, and about how different everything was. I could listen to an elderly person all day talking about things like that. Keeping that in mind, perhaps try something like: Behind the fragile facade of the old man, lies an untold story.Granted, this is YOUR writing, and I'm only giving an idea that you might work with. I'd prefer the hook to be your words and I'm only pointing out ways to pull on the reader's strings. *** Style and Voice *** There's a fair amount of passive voicing in the writing that is taking away from the impact of the sentences. In most cases, its due to weak to be verbs i.e. was, is, were, etc. This diminishes the descriptions and imagery with less impactful action a few examples: he was born to a mother who was scorned by society, who was burned as a witch. But it wasn't her fault ▼ Sadly, it could be a good sentence but the to be verbs just pull away from it and doesn't impact me as well as it could. I'd also mention that it is repetitive as well with 3 was in rather quick succession, this distracts me. I'd consider a restructuring like this: Society scorned his mother and burned her as a witch.This reformat removes unnecessary context and arrives at the point quicker and without the passive to be verbs, delivering a harder impact on the reader. It was the fault of people who were blinded by superstition. This is another example of the passive to be getting in the way of the impact of this sentence. Being that it is still referring to the sentence mentioned above, it can actually be added into it without the passive to be and still make the same point: He was born to a mother scorned by society and burned as a witch by people blinded by superstition.This combines 2 sentences and allows it all to tie together the same as it would with the breaks, without all of the repetitive was. Of course, there is still one in there, and I did rattle my brain to avoid using it, but I simply couldn't come up with a better line. During the time of plague his mother was a doctor who was so much dedicated in her work.This is another form of passive voicing, not only with the to be verbs but also in its structuring, as it starts abstract because there's not subject referenced in the beginning of the sentence. This leaves a reader scratching their heads to figure out who the sentence is referring to. His mother was a doctor and abundantly dedicated to her work during the time of plague.This removes the abstract beginning and the repetition and wordiness but allows the sentence to arrive at the same point, only with more distinct action. at that time when everyone was thinking just about money she brought a solution for the disease but when the nobles saw that their business would be closed , she was publicly executed for the accusation of witchcraft.There's a few issues with this sentence. It is rather large, and carries on longer than it should. And again, lots of repetition of was. There's some grammatical things in there as well but I'll ignore that for now. Again, I'd suggest a restructure to get rid of all the was: At that time, money consumed the thoughts of society. She brought a solution for the disease but when the nobles saw the potential closing of their businesses, they accused her of witchcraft, and she was publicly executed.As he lay on ground with tears streaming down his eyes, he blamed God for his misfortune.This is another example of passive voice where the action is acting on the subject. I'd restructure the sentence to deliver in a more active voice: *thoguht*He blamed God for his misfortune as he lay on the ground with tears streaming from his eyes. He was depressed he cried ▼ , he shouted,“let me go, please ,is anyone here?”Most of the comments for this sentence are in the dropnote above. Keeping in mind those notes, and the grammatical issues, a simple restructuring would be: "Let me go, please, is anyone here?" He shouted.This should also be its own paragraph separate from the one that follows it, which is how all dialogue should be marked in stories. *** Grammar *** yes he made some mistakes but he has done many good things for people which they don't know .He lost everything , his house , his favorite dress *** Typos *** yes he made some mistakes but he has done many good things for people which they don't know . be he didn't breakHe was 5 year old when the war started.A Arab man made him a slave and took him to a far country for sale.He thought the concept of god is false. *** Ending *** It's not quite an ending but it ends in an adequate spot. *** Summary *** It's a pretty gloomy writing in its beginning. Emotionally dreary which I enjoy a writing like this. Sadly, I think the impact it could have is diminished by the passive voice and repetition. With some restructuring and touching up it would be a good beginning I think. There's some trippy sentences in the writing that I think is likely from translation issues. I'm guessing that English isn't your first language, which would explain it. If I am correct, then I will say that you have a solid grasp of the English language for the most part and only a few bits were kind of wonky. I think it could be a good start, I'm not sure what is going to happen to this character, whether he will go down a darker or lighter path, but the options are both there. With some refinement, I think you've got something here. Thanks for sharing it and again, welcome to writing.com. I've included an article on active vs. passive voice that may further help you understand the differences and the impact they have on writing. I hope it helps! Don't keep me waiting too long for the continuation of this writing, I'm cheering for this poor guy.
     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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