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Review #4801674
Viewing a review of:
 Glitter, Glam, and Gutter Games Open in new Window. [E]
Glittering chaos erupts as secrets, schemes, and comedy collides in a wild glamorous saga!
by betsie Author Icon
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#4801674
Review by Lady H Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello betsie

Below is my review of your chapter Glitter, Glam, and Gutter Games.

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue and my suggestions are lilac.

*MushroomR*Gut Reaction

This is an intriguing chapter that's left me with lots of questions and a need to read on. How does the dinner go? Does Dae-hee crash the party? Why do the children seem to resent their parents so much?

I really love this line “A commoner? Wow, we’re really breaking out the medieval vocabulary tonight. What’s next? Knights and jesters? Or a banner that says ‘Welcome, Peasants’?”

*MushroomR*Structure and Spelling

Your spelling and grammar are really good, I didn't pick up on any typos. I just found a few things that didn't quite make sense:

Ji-eun, her teenage daughter, sprawled on the couch, texting with one hand and half-listening This sentence doesn't quite make sense, I would suggest inserting a was somewhere, either before sprawled or texting.

“Do you know what else has steam? The kettle.” - I'm not entirely sure what this is referencing to, it's lost on me!

“When I said peaceful, I meant bearable He didn't say 'peaceful' in the line before, so this might need changing.

In the first section, you use her patience already fraying and a few lines down you use her patience stretched to its limit and between these, you also use lines as if summoning strength and must you always test the limits?” they're all a very similar theme and it might be worth changing one or two to be slightly different.

“Why spoil your party? I wouldn’t dream of it - again, I'm not sure what this line is getting at sorry.

*MushroomR*Plot

I'm a little unsure when Madam Oh is instructing her daughter to change - is she asking her daughter to wear something nice for tomorrow night's party? Or get changed tonight?

I very much enjoyed the utter chaos in the middle of the scene - I'm wondering if you could even expand it slightly and add more description, just to truly get across the extent of the damage?

*MushroomR*Characters

I think you've managed to craft out really strong personalities for each character quickly in such a short chapter, without adding too much description. The actions and tone of each character come through really well and make the chapter engaging.

I liked our first introduction to Oh Dae-hee, and how laid back his about the whole party. As you read on, you really get a sense he doesn't fit in with the rest of the family and is high-spirited and a bit of a troublemaker.

When Tae-woo enters the room, I also especially like this short sharp description. It gives the reader just enough to visualise him, without interupting the flow of the scene.

*MushroomR*Final Thoughts

Great chapter, I reviewed this piece as it was highlighted on one of the review request pages, but I will check out your profile and see if there is any more of this story to read.

Good job! Keep writing!
Holly



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