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Review #4800076
Viewing a review of:
 It Started Backstage (His POV) Open in new Window. [13+]
Ken meets her at tryouts for the school play. April is a freshman. Parents can be mean
by Dad Author Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Greetings sir, and thank you for the opportunity to review the boy's POV.

I will say right off, I believe I prefer the girl's POV. This is well executed, but it lacks the emotional intimacy and engagement of the other. Since Ken is a boy, I as a female reader feel somewhat removed from his experience, especially since he has to hide his feelings for the most part. And I think the element of April's age and her parents keeping her "safe" makes a stronger story when seen from the inside, than just mentioning it from the boy's eyes.

I also like the further details about Mr Krang we get in the girl's POV. It seems he gets to speak more there.

Also... There's no subtle way to say this: fifteen year old boys are always going to be more interested in physical attraction than girls of a similar age. Even allowing for bashfulness and nerdiness, he'll still be fascinated by the shape of her body, the way she moves, her bust, etc. I know it sounds super creepy, but that's the way it is.

So, the way you have it now, it seems a bit unnatural and contrived, from the boy's perspective, because I feel like he's holding back some, based on what I know about boys.

Perhaps to make it more realistic without being creepy, Ken should notice just a little more about how April looks and acts. Maybe her pretty hands or the cute shape of her lips, or the way she unconsciously bats her eyelashes, or her good posture (which would be important since they're dancing.)

Also, in the interactions with his male friends, there could be some banter about how April looks. Perhaps someone snickers that she's plainer than Maureen, and Ken jumps to say April's pretty too in a different way. Maybe even some small situation where he feels protective or jealous/possessive towards her. This would develop his character, contrast him against other boys more crude or unsuitable, and help us connect and root for him.

You have a few minor typos scattered throughout; perhaps you should run it through Grammarly and look for highlights.

Aside from these suggestions, I enjoyed this about as much as the other one, and with a little development work they could complement each other quite well, exploring Ken and April's characters and interactions with their peers as the events progress. But if you only want one of them available, I would recommend leaving up April's POV story.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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