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Review #4796026
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Safety Concerns Open in new Window. [13+]
Young engineers grapple with a haunted past (3rd place StAG Firebox Contest, January 2024)
by Amethyst Agape Angel Author Icon
Review of Safety Concerns  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Melody and Julian are working on a bread machine powered by steam but someone is sabotaging them!

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the imagination and creativity in the story. I could picture a big ol' machine in my mind, steaming away!

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "“He has a point…” Julian murmured, looking over at his sister with a question in his eyes."

MY SUGGESTION: "He has a point." Julian glanced at his sister with a questioning look.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Just a strategic sentence hitting on the five senses will help to put the reader in the moment. What does the bread machine smell like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: no specific time was mentioned
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Melody and Julian

There's enough here to understand their motivations. *Thumbsup* I liked that they were very supportive of each other. The sibling relationship felt genuine.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engaged the reader and piqued their curiosity. A fun story that touches on the warmth of family ties.



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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 01/22/2025 @ 7:23pm EST
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4796026