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 Review #4790645 |
 | Taxi Assault first draft  [18+] The beginning first draft of my Short Story about taxi drivers in a small NZ town.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: That was an interesting beginning. I understand it is a draft so it ends rather abruptly, but it makes the readers wonder how it might continue, which is a good thing. The title makes it clear where the story is going from the start, and when the main character picks up the passengers, the readers know what to expect. Andrew, too, is suspicious and doesn’t trust the guy in the front seat, but he probably thought they might not pay the fare. The assault seemed to take him by surprise. The build up is well done, and it is clear that this is going to be a longer story because you take your time with the conversation in the cab and the details of the passengers. It might have been a good idea to tell the readers a little more about the main character and his background to make sure the readers know what kind of person he is so they can empathise with him. There were some details, like when he thought about dealing with people that had the mental capacity of a mushroom (a great line, by the way!) which made me think he was an interesting guy and worth writing more about.  Suggestions: There were a number of small errors - I’m not going to list all of them but point out some of the issues:  Watch out for tense changes. Most of the story was written in past tense but a couple of times you slipped into present tense, like right in the first paragraph where Andrew is driving but then He was a younger man Check the possessive forms of words in sentences like the cars hand brake or The dispatchers voice where you need apostrophes in both “car’s” and “dispatcher’s”. Make sure you pick the correct homophones, for example in this sentence: Andrew could here the shock in his own voice where you need “hear”. Keep an eye on the punctuation. You have a few run-on sentences and some where you didn’t set off the direct address with a comma, like this one: Yeah, I'm not too hurt thanks Kieran. where you need a comma after “hurt” to make the sentence clearer, and another one after “thanks”.  Final Thoughts: The story was quite original and I think it’s worth you working on it some more. The tale is obviously not finished yet but with the introduction of the main character’s colleagues who seem keen on taking matters into their own hands, it looks like it will be interesting. A good start that just needs a bit of attention to detail to polish it up (and an ending, of course!)  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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