%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4785052 |
 | The tollbooth (revised)  [13+] Everyone pays...  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I couldn’t blame the main character for screaming the way he did; truth be told, if someone had suddenly touched me at that point in the story, I would have screamed. You created a beautifully scary atmosphere in this story - the tollbooth miles from anywhere, the fog, the slow moving car without a driver and the creature that seemed to be in the tollbooth with him. It doesn’t sound like much but the way you described it made it easy to imagine the scene. It started with Bill watching the car approach while imagining what he thought was the worst that could happen, then scolding himself for being silly and getting spooked by the fog. Then there was the music, the mix of the car radio and his own, playing The symphony of a lunatic, Satan’s final movement. - a brilliant description, and perfect to heighten the tension. But that wasn’t all; the scene in the tollbooth was incredibly creepy and again, I could visualise every detail, from the flickering light to the strangely cocked head of the intruder. It all worked perfectly, the sounds, the images, the feeling of the creature’s touch on his elbow.  Suggestions: Having read your note at the end of the story, I’m a little reluctant to make suggestions, but I did notice a few small errors: obscuring the would-be shinning splendor Was that meant to say “shining”? Before He realized that he was frightened I’m guessing that was left over from a previous edit, but “he” shouldn’t be capitalised. Also, there was something else “he realized” a couple of sentences earlier so I would suggest coming up with a different word. “Before he knew”, maybe? The nights humidity You need an apostrophe in “night’s”. The lights no longer flickered and there sound had returned to a vapid hum. “their” sound.  Final Thoughts: This was a very effective horror story. I especially enjoyed the buildup when the readers weren’t sure what to expect - having said that, my favourite line was when Bill saw the creature: He could not bring himself to make sense of the distorted reflection of its face. That was a great way to describe his emotions at that point. Overall, I thought this was a very good story and I enjoyed the read.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
A Review from: "
You have not yet responded to this review.