%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4778985 |
 |  | A Dead Ghost  [13+] A guilty conscience plagues a man on Halloween.  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I chose this story to review because the title was intriguing and seemed appropriate for this month - I didn’t realise that the prompt was actually ‘Halloween’ until I got to the end. The opening paragraph was a great hook, especially the line, The one-year anniversary of that horrible night which made me want to find out what had happened. The title was soon explained, and I thought it was very original. The story developed slowly, but you did a good job keeping up the tension. Everything the main character did added to it, even when he was simply raking leaves or having a drink. You made the readers believe that something untoward would happen at any moment. It started to get a bit more intense when he spotted the light in the garage, and anyone who has ever read a horror story was yelling at him at this point not to go out there because nothing good could possibly come of it. But except for a scary vision, he got away with his foolish move; he wasn’t attacked or scared to death, just a little shaken. Of course it didn’t stay like that, and in the end, his crime caught up with him.  Suggestions: I think you might want to take another look at the punctuation in this story. I noticed a few sentences that didn’t look quite right, where you seemed to join two complete sentences with a comma, for example this one: He shuffled into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, there was no way he was going to be able to get back to sleep. I think this would work better if you replaced the comma with a period and let the two sentences stand on their own. Same here: The trooper got out and took one last look around, he had been at this same spot last year. I believe you need a period instead of the comma. He hit the accelerator instead of the brake and had been drinking that night. I think this would make more sense the other way around - he had been drinking first, and then he hit the accelerator. the fresh memory of the voice came back to haunt him, you killed my sister. I would probably set of the words he heard in some way, maybe using italics if you want to make it clear he is only thinking about it, but it might work better to put them in speech marks.  Final Thoughts: I didn’t see the ending coming. Sure, it was clear that he wouldn’t get away with it and somehow, the event would catch up with him and he would get his comeuppance, but how it happened took me by surprise. It was a nice touch that the older sister who had suffered because of the incident had a chance at getting better at the end. I thought this was a very creative tale and I particularly liked the little details you included that made everything seem so ordinary while at the same time letting the readers know that something was going to happen. A good read!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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A Review from: "
You responded to this review 10/07/2024 @ 9:50pm EDT