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 Review #4778416 |
 | Collecting Resources  [18+] They have seven planets under their control now. But three of them are having problems.  |
| (3.5)| Hey! I found your item under Please Review, so as any good Soldier, I'm following orders. Hahaha! Remember that I'm just another member, not an editor or publisher, so the following comments are simply my own opinions. Some you may agree with, others you may not. Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.  The title and description leave me wanting, and not in a good way. Maybe once I read this (I review as I read), I'll see that they really are the best options. But, they don't excite me. They don 't make me say, "Wow! I can't wait to learn more about what's going on." The description, while more interesting than the title, still isn't all I'd want. "But three of them are having problems"? So? Now, if 3 are on the verge of a rebellion, now you have my attention. Perhaps their on the verge of starvation. Would that make it Non-E? At least saying they're struggling seems more interesting to me. Or saying they're in trouble? That's E. Something of interest would be, well, more interesting. lol Though if each has a different problem, that would make the description more challenging. I hate when people just criticize without suggestions. I hope I've given you SOME idea of what direction I'd recommend, but hopefully, at the end of this review, I can go back and make a better recommendation for the title and description...if I don't forget. lol Good job using all 3 genres! You not only increase your odds of a Quill, if someone nominates you, because you have the option of all 3 genre categories, along with the main short story category you were nominated in, but also, you have the best opportunity to be found by those who are searching for something to read. Searching genres is the #1 way people find things to read, so good for you for maximizing that! "Juanin and Noorva watch the large Image Monitor in front of them as a huge metal structure above a tall and wide opening into a mountain behind this structure when it explodes, sending pieces of this structure everywhere." I like the names -- new, but not too difficult. Well done. However, I find that sentence confusing. It seems like you started to go in 1 direction, then went in another. Maybe something like, "Juanin and Noorva watch the large Image Monitor in front of them, seeing a huge metal structure above a tall and wide opening into a mountain behind this structure. The structure explodes, sending pieces of this structure everywhere." Okay, I find that easier to understand, but still don't love it. In both cases, I don't like "structure" used so much or so close. Also, this isn't really a grabbing sentence. They characters are just watching a screen. Maybe something like, "The huge structure, towering over an opening in the mountain behind it, explodes on the screen. Knowing it was coming, Juanin and Noorva still flinch when they see the industrial carnage from the safety of their Image Monitor as metal crashes down, covering the opening of the mountain. Except for a few small holes, the opening is sealed." Okay, maybe not a ton better. They're still mostly just sitting there. lol But also, mine has the description tightened up a bit, I think. Previously, there were too many adjectives all strung together. I don't know. Maybe you don't think it's any better. Maybe it's not. lol "...and how many are still in this Resources Collectors Sites." I like the beginning of this sentence. "About a thousand were there when this happened. How many Kassims got out of there alive..." NOW you have my attention. Great! But the part I started this paragraph with has me a bit confused. First, I don't think "sites" is probably supposed to be capitalized. Second, it says "this," which indicates 1, but then says "sites," which indicates more than 1. Also, I assume the sites belong to the Resource Collector(s), so that should be either Resource Collector's or Resource Collectors' -- I can't tell if there's more than 1 Resource Collector because I don't have an apostrophe to tell me. I'm guessing it's singular because you said, "this," but maybe it's plural and you just forgot the apostrophe. I don't know. I need an apostrophe. lol But the beginning of that sentence was good. Thank you for getting my attention! "I told you destroying one of our Resources Collectors Sites would get us control of this planet too." First, I think you need a comma before "planet." Second, I'm wondering how big the population is or what was destroyed if killing up to 600 means they get the whole planet under their control. Interesting. But what I love here most is that Noova isn't just some female second to Juanin. She came up with the idea, which sets up an interesting dynamic and shows us her power in the work relationship as well as at their job. It also shows us how devious she is and that she doesn't mind sacrificing others for the cause she believes in...or at least wants or works for. Again, it's early, so I don't fully know what's going on. lol "That means we have three more in our Group of Planets left to control." First, I'm not sure "Group of Planets" needs to be capitalized. Unless that's some official term, it shouldn't be and even as an official term, unless it's the name, like Milky Way, it shouldn't. Next, it doesn't sound very professional. I assume these are professional whatever they are. lol Maybe they have 3 more in their galaxy? In their parsec? Something that sounds more spacey than "group of planets." lol "But we know we have been having problems with the other six planets we already control constantly." Uh, didn't the description say 3 were having problems? Now there's 6? I'm sure this is planned, but it seems like you lost track. Hahaha! Also, "...we already control constantly" seems redundant. Just say "...we already control" or even just "...we control." From their point of view, it seems the planets are theirs, so these extra words don't seem like they fit. "Speaking of our six other planets, what are the latest problems they are having?" Good job with that punctuation! Though I think this is an awkward sentence -- well, not on its own, but she just said there was a problem, then he says, "Speaking of our six other planets, what are the latest problems..." He should just ask what the problems are. Also, and maybe this will be explained later, but why doesn't he know? It seems like this isn't a brand new discovery, like Noova just found out right before the explosion and didn't want to interrupt the video. Seems like she's known, but why is it just coming up now? Or is this just the way to get the reader to know? If so, find another way. Maybe they complain that the problems are always the same or that it's too expensive to fix the problems. (I've not read further, so I don't know what would fit.) Maybe they troubleshoot the problems. But I'm left wondering what's going on that he doesn't even know what the problems are. "We have a few minor problems on all six planets. But nothing we will have any problems dealing with." First, you forgot the closing parenthesis. Oops! lol Anyway, I don't like "problems" being used so much. And remember, it was just used 2 more times, once by each of them. If nothing else, you can say, "But nothing we can't deal with." However, this also begs the question of what's going on between them. He asks her a question and she doesn't answer and he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Odd. If he's worried about not messing up any more, wouldn't he want to know what's going on to put his mind at ease? If you don't want to say, it's fine. But give a reason she doesn't say. Are they interrupted by something? Is she the one in the power position (whether she's in charge or not) and she just tells him she's got it handled, shutting him down? "Who is responsible for destroying one of our Resource Collection Sites?" Again, I don't think "sites" needs to be capitalized. But also, shouldn't some (or all) of the other mentions above be "Resource Collection" instead of "Resource Collectors"? That makes more sense to me. But maybe I just need to read further. lol "On the large monitor, there is an Ovvin representative on it right now." This is a bit wordy. You can say, "On the large monitor, there is an Ovvin representative on now." Or, better yet, "On the large monitor, there is an Ovvin representative." Again with "Ovvin," good job finding an unusual word/name we can still pronounce. That's no easy feat to make something unfamiliar still simple. Nice work! "We know who is responsible for destroying your Resource Collecting Site on the planet Kassim." Again, I don't think "site" should be capitalized. But now that I'm reading further, I'm not sure any of that should be. "You are blaming us so that we would fight among us." You don't need "that" and that should be "...so we fight among ourselves." You can also say, "...so we will fight among ourselves." "Weaking or killing us so you could get control of this planet too." That's "Weakening or killing us..." And you need a comma after "planet." "We figure out what you are doing fairly quickly." That should be "We figured out..." "All eight of us know we have about an equal share of Kassim too." You need a comma after "Kassim." And who are these 8 people (or beings, if they aren't human)? I know 1 is representing all 6 planets, but who are the other 7 people? "Noorva whispers so only Juanin can hear her. “Another failure. Only this one was a global failure.”" Since Noorva is the one who came up with the idea, I feel like she might not be so quick to admit the utter failure here. I would suggest either Juanin whispers it to her or you could even break it up like... Noorva whispers so only Juanin can hear her. "Another failure." His eyes steady on the screen, not betraying his (anger? embarrassment? frustration? whatever he's feeling here), "Only this one was a global failure," "“What is happening on Bayvoon?” Juanin asks. In this whole section, you use the word "help 8 times within 8 sentences. No, you don't use it in EVERY sentence, but in some sentences, you use it twice. lol Consider other words like "support" or "assist" or leaving it out altogether. For example, you have... “The usual problems: getting the Bayvoons to help us get these resources, getting the ones who are helping us help us more, things like that.” This could be "The usual problems: getting teh Bayvoons to assist us in getting the resources, getting those who are helping to do more, things like that." Also, you keep talking about the resources, but what are they and why do we (or the characters) care? Give it a name and purpose. Perhaps it's an efficient fuel source or it's a mineral that keeps food from spoiling or turns undrinkable water drinkable. Just having it called "resources" a bit boring, unless you're going to spring something really exciting/fun on us at the end. lol “How many deaths have there been and why it’s happening to our Rovimes?” Should be "How many deaths have there been and why is it happening to our Rovimes?" Also, calling them "our Rovimes" makes Juanin sound like he cares, sort of like they are pets. But if they don't mind killing folks to get what they want accomplished, they probably don't think of them with too much affection. I'd suggest just ending it with "...why is it happening to them?" I find it interesting that you have so many words with a V. It makes sense that other languages/cultures would have other sounds that are more popular than regular English. Nice addition. "We still don’t know what sickness is or how it’s spread." It seems you've left out a word. Consider "We still don't know what THIS sickness is..." or "We still don't know what sickness IT is..." Also, you use "sickness" several times in this section. Consider "illness" or just referring to the sickness as "it" when you can. For example, in "Do their sites have this sickness too?" you could say, "Do their sites have this, too?" or "Do their sites have it, too?" (Note the comma before "too.") "What about the other eight Collecting Resources?" First, 8? Are they talking about 8 other sites on this planet or 8 other sites around the group of planets, as they called them? Or are they talking about 8 other beings? Second, calling them "Collecting Resources" is odd because it's not even the right parts of speech here. lol Unless they are referring to 8 other beings or planets who are collecting resources. Consider, instead of this being a proper noun, that it's simply common nouns throughout this story. They are collecting resources from resource collection sites. Them being proper nouns throws me off sometimes...like in that section I just mentioned. lol “It means all of our sites have had some Unicomans walk off their helping and some haven’t come in to do their helping.” You can just end it with "...and some haven't come in" to avoid using "helping" twice in this sentence. Also, why is it called "helping"? Aren't they slave labor? Is it just a euphemism? "We know what we to do to stop this togetherness from happening." I like it being called "togetherness." lol I don't know why, but I like that. While watching the Hagove folks swallowing gems, Juanin asks Noorva who is responsible. She says she doesn't know. He then asks who may be responsible. To me, this question is too close and sounds like he's a dummy asking twice. Consider having him ask something like, "Are there any suspects?" or "Who do you suspect?" or something like that. Also, it totally threw me off with this being the first time any gems are mentioned, same with credits (which shouldn't be capitalized). I thought they were slaves (forced volunteers lol), so they weren't getting paid. Also, the fact that no other conversations mentioned anything of value, beyond these mysterious resources, the gems just feel out of place to me. Not saying to take them away. I think they ground this scene. I think previous scenes need some grounding with some knowledge of what the being care about or are collecting or are working for. Even just mentioning that they'll be saving credits by not paying the dying (insert beings from one of the planets where they died or are dying) can help. Though are they saving credits? They'll still have to pay someone, I guess. lol I don't know, but you see how gems and credits being mentioned for the first time so far into the story throws off the reader? They are good details, but should be mentioned sooner to anchor this story in real worlds. So far, everything is pretty vague to me -- resources, sickness, problems, etc. It's all quite vague, I think. "You weren’t with me a few Group of Planets ago..." Uh, no. This phrase needs to be changed. lol They're astronauts (or whatever) for goodness sake. "Group of planets" isn't a technical term. lol "“What does ‘eliminate’ mean?” Noorva asks." This seems like an odd switch. Wasn't she the ruthless one before? Now she seems to be the voice of reason and compassion. Consider switching the characters here to keep her as the ruthless one. "We need to eliminate them before they are a threat to Gorvon and the rest of the planets we control. And I’m not talking about all the Group of Planets we control." Huh? I don't get that. "We only have one more planet we need to look at this time period." Again, vague. How about, "...we need to look at right now" or "...we need to look at"? “Why do we need to decide on just one planet? I have been thinking about this. And I think we need to select these individuals from all six of the planets we control to populate these planets. It’s the best way for us to get control of these three planets too.” Ah, there she is, back to the ruthless and creative leader we knew in the beginning. lol I like this. Good job. "It could spread to the other planets we control if they don’t stop it." How? It's like saying World War III could spread to Mars. How? They're too busy killing each other to go spreading their destruction to planets they don't belong to. Okay, I think this has potential, but there's still work to be done. One thing, it seemed that every section I was being introduced to a new species or whatever, but there didn't seem to a link, besides being on planets where Noorva and Juanin are collecting who knows what for who knows why. I think connecting things better and giving more definition to the situation will help a lot. I'm still not loving the name. It sounds like the name of a government pamphlet on recycling or something. lol But what to call it? It's hard to say right now. Maybe name the resource they're collecting and call it "Collecting ____"? I don't know. lol I'm just making suggestions. lol The description says they have 7 planets under their control. I thought they had 6. I'm too lazy to go back and read to see. lol Anyway, for the description, "They have seven planets under their control now. But three of them are having problems," what about something like, "They have seven planets under their control, but for how long?" Or "Collecting ____ is a lot harder than it may seem"? or "They have seven planets under their control. But there are problems." I don't know. The "three" seems too specific. Plus, it seemed that most (or all) of them were having problems, not just 3. lol Remember, these were just my opinions. Use the things you find helpful and ignore the bits that weren't. I would have given this more stars, but aside from a fair amount of errors, there were some parts where I was confused. And it was quite vague in a lot of parts. But if you work on it, I can re-review it for you later. Anyway, you've got some work to do, but I hope you keep working on this. I think this is too short for the story you want to tell. It might even work into a NaNo project, but I'm guessing this was written for a contest, thus why you had so much story trying to be told in just 2k words. Expand it and see where it leads you. This could be a fun project. Keep at it!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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