Hello Mouse says gobble gobble

Thank you for entering the What If contest, I was very happy to have entries since the contest had been closed for so long and I wasn't sure anyone would enter if I reopened it. I appreciated you taking the time to create this entry.

First Impression: Interesting approach and choice in the prompt to develop into a story. The life prompt is a good one because there are options for creativity. I liked the approach here with the younger main character that gave a fun, youthful personality. We get the character from the start then you add in the strange situation and her finding out that her parents had kept such a secret from here. It's a good start that could be even better with a little more development.

Prompt: This does work for the signs of life prompt. I am only going to consider that prompt even though in the forum post you did mention the day to remember. The sing of life was the one you listed in the item and the contest rules do specify that only one prompt should be used. So, taking the one prompt into consideration, you created something fun that works well enough to qualify for the round.

Characters/Story: While something alien related is a little expected considering the question of life out in the universe other than just our world. What helps is that you found a different way to describe the sort of cute "alien" in this story and put them with a connection to the main character that won't be expected from the reader.

The main character is also fun and was a great choice for how you started the story, setting things up with just a little bit of words used to help showcase personality. I liked her and the fun that we get to see as she discovers the little secret.

Other Notes: Overall, this is a nice approach. My only issue would be that it does feel a little cut down. I'm not sure if you were worried about timeline or word count but I think that it could be developed even more to make a stronger story. You have some room to write more into this story. You did well in the details that you did add but if there was a little more to show the world and characters, I think that would help. The story at the end gives me a feeling of it not quite being complete. Though I do like the last line as it gives a creepy element. I just get the feeling that there could be more.

Still, it was a good job and approach considering the prompts and contest.


Thank you for the entry in What If. Keep writing!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .