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Review #4773032
Viewing a review of:
Fall Open in new Window. [E]
Haiku; Mind Over Matter Poetry contest entry April 2011.
by jazzystock Author Icon
Review of Fall  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Dear jazzystock Author Icon,

I wanted to try out this poem as I was caused to take notice and see what experience I could draw from it:

Dried, crispy brown leaves
reveal cold and naked limbs,
in darkness shivering.

Simply titled "Fall" I feel the poet misses out on the one element that frames and defines additional meaning to a haiku by assigning something of its soul, message or takeaway that can heighten the experience of this short form. There is some beauty with the expression you give in this haiku that properly works on the Japanese art form of celebrating nature.

As I look through these lines and see the personification at work, I feel the empathy in narration. If we are standing inside staring at what nature suffers going into the harshest season, we might feel a little chilled ourselves. This connection is key to haiku and giving a reader experience that moves through the poet.

Your choice of words seem crisp rather than crispy. If composing that first line myself, I like the singularity of how those words perform/stand as 'dry' and 'crisp' because you can heighten the sensory experience with this kind of directness, and it leaves extra syllables to give more power to that opening line. And, brown could go from third adjective to verb, describing what's happening to the leaves as they decay: 'dry, crisp leaves brown 'neath...' or something like that to lead into your second line.

Giving life to the inanimate really ramps up a spiritual theme or feeling, where a reader connects romantically with nature. Going back to above...'neath/cold and naked limbs revealed/in darkness, shivering.' I see a comma before the last action to give a reader time to pause. That's just a suggestion, should one rewrite.

There is much more I could say, show with how I would rewrite the poem and display here fully. But, this is someone else's work and only my suggestions upon it. What I offer as constructive criticism could help educate others how to approach and consider before reviewing, should they take the time to study reviews rather than waiting for them to arrive in that inbox.

There is a lot of value to this haiku and with a little work would well represent the form we've borrowed from our Asian poet friends.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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