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 Review #4771213 |
 | At the Kindergarten  [E] Written for The Dialogue 500 Contest  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: Aww, that was adorable! I felt for the two children on their first day at Kindergarten where everything was new and scary and they were worried that their mothers would never come back for them. I suppose it’s a very real fear for children at that age, especially if they’ve never been apart from their mothers before. At first, I was concerned that this might turn into a more sinister story but I was glad to find that you kept it light-hearted. Well, for the readers, anyway. And one of the children was happy that her mother gave her something important to hold on to, something the girl knew she wouldn’t want to lose, so she was sure that she would be coming back. The other child wasn’t convinced!  Suggestions: I wasn’t sure why the story started where it did, with Hi again and You look sad now., like they already had a conversation before and were returning to it. I realise you couldn’t use any dialogue tags to explain this, but I think it might have worked better if they were just meeting for the first time. They could start by introducing themselves and the girl could notice that he looked sad without referring to a previous meeting. That way, the readers wouldn’t feel they missed part of an earlier conversation. And speaking of introductions - was the boy’s name Sammy or Tommy? Unless I misunderstood this, you called him Sammy at the beginning and Tommy later on. And just one little typo: She told me was was going to I believe that was meant to say, “she was”.  Final Thoughts: I liked the way the two characters argued and explained their points. I thought you captured their voices quite well and the way they talked was appropriate for their ages. You also did a good job with the ‘dialogue only’ requirement of the contest, although at one point I wasn’t sure if there were two or three children (Sammy/Tommy) but I think it was only two? It goes to show that adults shouldn’t lie to children. Had the teachers not pretended that the parents were waiting in another room and simply explained that they were going home but would be back later (or better still, if the parents had explained this) the children wouldn’t have been upset in the first place and simply would have enjoyed their playtime! But using that logic, there wouldn’t have been a story, and I enjoyed the read, so I’m glad it all worked out the way it did  ** Image ID #2154080 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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