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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4771024
Review #4771024
Viewing a review of:
 The Things I Don't Say  [E]
How I feel since the death of my son
by walkawayrene
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings and Happy Account Anniversary!

Pleased to meet you, Rene, and I hope you are recovering from the loss of your son. You have written a beautiful and simple poem about your feelings and how you have to hold everything inside so as not to burden others with your deep sorrow which no one will really know what to do with.

I love the meter and rhyme you've used; it gives it such a wholesome, old-fashioned feeling, like a poem from a book of classics. And the AB/AB rhyme scheme is smooth and pleasant to read without being forced or trite.

Your message is heartfelt and shows how much you still hurt, with metaphors implying a glimpse into the way your mind endlessly replays what could have been if only... Or if you had remembered to say... Or why couldn't... These exhausting thoughts are what keeps one up at night, with regret and mourning that seems as though it will never improve.

Yet you understand not everyone "wants to know" and you don't want to be a "downer," so you politely tell them you're fine when they ask. It reminds me of a scrap from some doggerel I read in a biweekly joke paper once a long time ago: "it's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin/ than to let folks know the shape we're in..."

In your opening line, you say "people asks..." It should be in the singular form, "ask." Also, I always recommend choosing two more relevant genres for the items, so that people can find them when browsing. I would suggest "Experience" and "Personal" or "Family" and "Relationship."

Aside from those minor things, I would also suggest using Size 4 Verdana font to focus the text on the page. A line count will help if you would like to enter this into some of the poetry contests around here... Allow me to fetch the links "First and Second Chance Poetry Contest"  and "SENIOR CENTER FORUM"  are good choices.


Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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