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Review #4770445
Viewing a review of:
 The Last Summer Rose  [E]
A poem about a rose.
by Cian
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
~~~ A Newbie Review ~~~


Dear Cian ,

"The Last Summer Rose" is a cute poem with these couplets that rhyme with a following couplet about a rose, and the last of summer. You've driven the poem on that one line that feels wistful and nostalgic. It feels powerful enough to align with a reader's subconscious and about the human condition. I noted, as the poem goes through phases of showing, there are some nice moments. What I think it needs is some tightening and word choices that could bring more brilliance to this offering.

You've introduced the same line eight times in couplet form. Sometimes, this can be too much. I can't think of a way a poet might change this up, but to just keep that nice image of the rose flowing. I sometimes inverse words or phrases or just contrast something in the second half of the poem. The rose might have some duality of its own in this poem.

This feels vibrant and alive but that rose is eventually about to fade before the final verse, assuming it is spared somehow after being picked. I think this could use description. What I've done and found has been popular is preserve a bloom in some way. I've used a book. Some folks can dry freeze them or have them put in a crystal.

First line, 'stood in the ground' sounds better than 'standing', maybe needs another syllable like 'stood firm'. But now I do recall roses grow on bushes or vines. However, your vision and decision on how it should go. For a reader, trying to visualize, this might cause confusion to start. Also, present tense might sound better with 'waits to be found' removing 'ing' unless you add 'is' because the line is short on syllables and the next rhyming line in verse three is long.

You're rhyme scheme is tight and works well and especially enjoyed 'soil' and 'royal' combined. That feels unique and special. You use personification, too. The rose is watching birds and is happy when we get to the end. This could be a special children's poem, describing the unique features of a rose. No mention of thorns, either. But, this shows there's plenty here with the form you've applied to work with.

You really do show well, with these little scenes playing out. You have 'about to die' well before the end. To show progression, should come nearer to end until it is spared. And if you want to upgrade language, 'plucked' might sound better than 'picked'. Just some ideas, should you want to try. I wonder if the 'so lonely' part could come sooner. But that's also an option and not necessarily needed. I find when I edit poems, they can go in many directions and even back to original structure, as I try to work out things like time progression.

It was a pleasure to find this poem on the read and review pages and to discover a new member here. Hope I have a chance to read more in the future.

Brian

WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/19/2024 @ 10:26pm EDT
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