Hi Magic13,

This is a wonderful story. The tone is filled with wonder and anticipation. It grabs all the reader's attention and makes them want to read on. The reader is wondering if the speaker will start to actualize their plans in the village they have found. They will read to the last word to find out. The story is about someone who is deciding to whether to prepare to achieve their dreams legitimately or take advantage of a small, impoverished town they have discovered. The conflict is well defined. There is no doubt about what is going on here. The characters are well developed and believable. They come across as real people. The dialogue is well done and realistic. The characters speak like real people. The description is detailed and vivid. It puts the reader all the way into the story. I did come across a few structural issues that need your attention:


1)my heart to flip in the direction of my heart,-Should read "my heart to flip in the direction of my head,"

2)HOME to MY SECRETE-"secrete" should be "secret"

3)What are you sitting under this tree? I heard her say, causing me to focus my attention on a coffee-coloured happy-go-lucky, would-be pretty if ONLY too many hangovers had not bloated her features out of their beauty.
Is ja nie bang vir slang nie? Are you not scared of snakes The young woman said in a heavy Afrikaans accent.-These are two separate paragraphs and need to be double spaced.

4)In a few places you have neglected to put pieces of dialogue in quotation marks. You should remember to consistently do this to keep your writing clear for your reader.

The story is consistent in terms of point of view and tense. Great job.