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Review #4766871
Viewing a review of:
 This is my love  [E]
Devotion to you who brought joy in my life
by Serpentman
Review of This is my love  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
~~~ A Newbie Review ~~~

I’m a romantic myself and came upon this poem, tasked by my group to reach out to newcomers at WDC. I like to know a little about who I’m reading the first time around, before I launch. The Angel Army has been a great guide in helping me utilize and develop as reviewer-member. I decided my gift of feedback as charitable, so long as my review can be appreciated. Let’s see what I can offer for "This is my love" .

I note brevity here. One four line verse. In it, two proclamations. Odes to love, usually epic, can be boorish. Why not get to the point? Let’s go line by line before the overall theme/message.

“Some words of wisdom don’t shine…”
Case in point. I don’t believe I can offer light to fully illuminate another to realize what the writer seeks. I could be one of many with pieces to help solve a puzzle called you and/or life. Only you can gather these bits along the way to apply to your own knowledge…and how to access…apply as best can. Your statement for me hinges on ‘words’. People use tired adages, idioms because they know it loosely applies, but nothing is perfect. We can cull a thesaurus full of words that don’t exactly sync up a writer’s vision. Words are limiting. Expression is better.

Since your poem’s genre is relationship, perhaps we better include parameters outside love/romance. To hook a reader, and the subject, you’ve possibly taken on the role of ‘disclaimer’. Not all can express themselves, here, short and to the point. It’s possibly honest, but is it fully conceived? Wherein, you apply brevity, each word must carry much weight. You do set it up before:

“Sweets don’t turn brine…”.

Is a throw away line? You’ve rhymed three of the four lines with shrine, brine, shrine. ‘ fine’ is not romantic visually, unstimulating. Perhaps, a hint this verse is all the narrator can offer, but wants to, despite forced rhyme. It can do better. What’s the aim beyond fare unworthy of a greeting card, unless satire? Not a listed genre. In fact, the following lines suggest great effort will occur to woo:

“I adore you morning till evening…”.

This is sweet, basically says ‘I adore you’ just as Walmart is open 365/24/7. If relationship, what does this other want in return, reciprocated? Devotion? Faithfulness? Strength to lean? Words like ‘always’ and ‘infinite’ ascribe time’s power.

“Want to worship your shrine”
Here we have a smalll conundrum. My first poetry will immediately point out…’does the shrine already exist’? It can be further inferred this is someone many have built a shrine for, exists. Why not be the builder, architect? What do these shrines look like anyway?

Put it all together, you have a pretty clear message. How badly do we want success in relationship…and, is their trouble? Is this a poem to reconcile, repair? To succeed, all one has to consider is empathy, be in their shoes. What would please them? Do they want the pedestal, shrine, worship, or equality…my guess, 60-40, if one is penning odes to win affection.

I’d rebuild from ground up. Read some poetry that inspires the pen, vigilant to know what words will send them into your arm than the other way around. Coy, but not aloof, don’t beg or plead to apply pressure, lean away. But, compliment, tease a bit, poke fun at yourself, be playful. That’s just for starters. If it’s true adoration, cultivate it, flirt. Does this one want dominion over the poet’s soul? Is poet submissive? Lots to consider if a co-dependent relationship should occur. Have fun writing, keeping going after it. Wink and smile like you have a secret. Let them come to you.

Poetry can go in many directions by genre/subject/topic. Courting has limited boundaries, usually tied to nature or depictions of qualities of another, including beauty. Whatever you chose, stay clear of brine.

Well, I laid around most of the weekend randomly looking for writers who may or may not want input from someone with limited vision. What else am I gonna do? Have fun around the website.

Brian
WDC Newbie
and Angel Army Reviewer


Angel Army Reviewer of the month of December, 2023.


The best I can do with low vision. Packing up.

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