%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4765167 |
  Greetings, ashok25! I am reviewing this because I am part of the Army Angels, and this month we are required to review five Newbies, so I selected you as one of them.  I see that you are quite active here already, and that is wonderful! Welcome to this awesome commuunity! First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. The Positives/What I Liked I noticed right off (by your genres you've chosen,) that this piece is biographical, an experience you have had, and that it was a tragedy for you. What a horrible decision this boss of yours made! You were only trying to be helpful and give him heart-felt advice. And now you are left without a job. And this man was your friend? Since this was written in March, a week after you became a member here, perhaps you are back to work now? I hope so. My dad once had a boss that was "an asshole at work" (my father's words, so please do not take offence) but a great guy otherwise. I don't understand that. I was a library director, and my personality did not change. I always looked out for my employees. How can someone have two completely different sides? But some do. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You've done a great job expressing your experience in this free-verse poem. Sometimes my mind will wander off while reading a free verse, but this one kept me interested throughout. Good job! Also, good job on filling in all three of your genre selections! Your title fits nicely, too, letting the reader know right away that you are jobless. And your title summary is good, too.  My favorite lines are:He stares at me for a few seconds. Speaks slowly to me, "Please leave the company." This part of your poem (above lines) stands out to me. I can feel the pause, hear the slow but firm voice of your boss telling you to leave the company. Excellent visual moment. Suggestions/Comments to ConsiderI only have a few humble suggestions: Since this is a free-verse poem, you might consider uncapping the first letter of some of your lines, especially the lines that are a continuation of the previous one. By doing this, it gives it a better flow. Here's just one example: He remains same As he looks before. Suggestion  He remains the same as he looks before. 2nd Stanza, 4th Line: So I give you that advise  So I give you that advice Consider a line space between the 6th and 7th lines, as you seem to be speaking directly to your boss till the 7th line, where you shift to describing how you are feeling. Final ThoughtsI like this piece very much because you take the reader through a tough time that affected your life and you do a great job projecting what you went through. Once again, welcome to the community!  A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group"  Have a great day and... K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
You responded to this review 07/23/2024 @ 9:05am EDT