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Review #4764006
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 Next Chapter (917 Words)  [13+]
A travelling salesman is on a grind with his kids
by Fake Nate
Review by ScaryBee
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A traveling salesman takes his kids out to eat.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characterization. It was probably the strongest element of the story. Mind you, there is more to flesh to out, but one can tell Rex is finding his way and it's a challenge, but he's doing his best, and that's what connects with the reader.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Rex. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Yes! Just calm down please, son!" I softly yelled back, not wanting to attract too much attention out of embarrassment.

MY SUGGESTION: "Yes! Just calm down please, son!" I crossed my arms and hoped he wouldn't attract too much attention.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I especially liked: "This time luck was really in our favor because the table with an ocean-view was open. I heard the waves moving slowly back and forth by the time we each sat down...". -- It taps into the five senses, especially sight, putting the reader in the moment.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: San Diego

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Rex

He's been kicked out of the house and forced to find his own way, so taking on two kids helps ease the loneliness.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not notice any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctuation. You use exclamation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramatic. For WDC, I might suggest spacing between paragraphs and increasing the font so it's easier on the eyes as one reads.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest.


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/18/2024 @ 10:30am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4764006