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Review #4763414
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Rated: | (4.5)
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Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

I’m glad to see this story is still going strong. The theme is gripping, and each new section leads to more unnerving moments and tension. When I saw that Claire smoked the joint, I was afraid her parents would be able to tell she was high and have one more excuse for mistreating her, though it doesn’t seem as though they need much of an excuse. The puzzle does remain: why would they want her dead? Didn’t they think the police would investigate and discover the transaction? Were they assuming such a poor shlup of a girl would slip under the radar, especially if they themselves encouraged it to be swept under the rug? I’m seriously wondering if there was some kind of motivation such as money… was there something in someone’s will which gave Claire money that they just couldn’t bear for her to have? Or maybe their motivation doesn’t matter to the story. There’s still a ton of ideas left to unpack, and I’m looking forward to seeing the rest.

I’m glad Garret’s untimely death gave Claire a motivation to stay alive long enough to get William dead, and I hope somehow she can get her act together and find someone who truly cares for her and helps overcome her traumatic upbringing. Remember, you have to decide what you want to focus on: is it going to be a story about a crazy guy with chainsaw arms who gets taken down, or is it a story about a young woman coming into her own against all odds? I’m not saying you have to make it corny, only worth our while. The character you’ve created is compelling in her pathetic circumstances, and we need to see her grow and develop. Ok, I’m sure you heard it all the first time I reviewed your item *Laugh*

This is a wacky story with plenty of peculiar twists and turns, and one is not quite sure what’s going on or who to trust. The cop seems as sloppy and weird as Claire herself - wouldn’t his car stink of skunk afterwards? And if I were Claire I’d be afraid it would affect his driving abilities, with me as a passenger… *Shock2*

You have a ton of basic editing to do, because the overall style is rather messy, with typos and slipshod sentences. At one point “Garret” gives the waitress his order instead of the cop. Also, I thought you said that Claire hated the idea of winning, yet she liked winning at bowling? This concept of why she ended up the way she is, as a loser who’s not actually a loser with any serious issues yet she used to cut herself and acts strangely, needs to be explored if you want to make a memorable character out of her. Perhaps she is undiagnosed with some medical/mental condition? If you leave her the way she is, people will assume she’s “just a loser” and be unwilling to root for her survival or growth.

Since this chapter focuses on Claire, I’m discussing her more than would perhaps be needed, depending on the ultimate balance of different points of view in your other chapters. If I read and review the next chapter I’ll probably have more to say about the antagonist.

I always recommend Size 4 Verdana font, and even though I get the feeling you’ve simply tossed out a rough draft for us here, I also recommend choosing two other genres for it such as “Crime/gangster” and “Horror.”

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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