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 Review #4763050 |
 | My Wife's Escape  [13+] A man encounters some new competition for his Wife's time and attention.  |
| (4.5)    HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!!! from "Anniversary Reviews"  Celebrating your writing this month with a review. Happy Account Anniversary Simple Dykie I think this story, raw as cookie dough (sweet to taste as is), could be more with chocolatey morsels in every tender bite. It's surreal, I'll give it that. This infatuation that leads to wonderment and possible jealously by the first person speaker seems equally as odd as the wife's behavior. It's almost cartoonish in a way like Twilight Zone meets sitcom in a farce. Though I love cookie dough, I think this needs to go back in the oven because the cookies this potentially could produce will be satisfying. Enough of the bakery metaphor. :) There is a lot of passive voice, a lot of recounting of events in the story. Let the reader in on the journey as speaker and reader are discovering events as they happen. Pacing is key and we're breaking off a lot of dough to swallow before the story can really evolve with needed anticipation. Okay, last metaphor.  There's the opportunity to disengage from the 'now that I got you caught up' and give reaction to what he's thinking, what he's planning to do in response. Thus, we start wondering about both the woman and speaker and what's happening and what the eventual outcome will be.In meting out story, we need some details, descriptions to help visualize events. I loved how the SUV set up. When we feel something has gone awry that lends to the story being told, there's the first signs that lead instinct to follow story. The events that give clues, as you have someone acting different, but compared to what? and as this unfolds, what specific details lead to a keen observation that kind of lets the reader lean over your shoulder to get a look at what you narrate. I think you could really make this suspicious. Further, maybe the narrator has gotten jealous irrationally. This has made for good story in movies where people overreact and feel left out, behind. It was seem less surreal and rooted in the Psychological aspect of a known human condition or something of a trope, as they say. Key is a great use of personification making the SUV the other man in her life. Her obsession is so absurd, and the notion that the speaker feels inadequate in response to how much time has shifted from him to her gives the reader that personal, insightful and relatable feeling. Despite it's corny approach, you captivate and then describe everything this vehicle offers and more. Truly a moment where there could be some dialogue from the husband to the auto. Dialogue: There is something that could break this text into sizeable portions, despite it's straightforward and easy to understand language. A writer teases a reader, surprises with what he might say or do. Does he want to run off with the vehicle, my thought. Does he return it to the dealer or trade it on his own car. The outcome is not predictable, maybe ridiculous, because it doesn't take us to another level. It sort of levels off the story to a quick finish, maybe feeling the story just needed to end with something. I think it could be more. The narrator could speak to the vehicle, maybe so threatened that he imagines it speaks to him. It could be arrogant or more. It's characteristics could personify it a bit more. Ideas include what is comparable, an Italian stude or a sophisticated Frenchman, or the Latino that is her dream ride. These are just a bunch of things I'm throwing out as ideas, and might not be in your wheelhouse, or what you would do with story. I think my comments are more of a reaction, a desire to see this developed more because it has the ability to surprise and tickle a reader with each step. With meted dialogue and that slow, methodical approach to finally, and with anticipation, meet his replacement. Timeline wise, I'd shorten up to about a week. A lot of the events suggest it's been a year or more. We want immediacy, not trips for service unless it's a lemon...another possibility to slip in their for outcome. And BTW, clever title. Using the name of the auto is apropos to subject/theme. Well, that's my take. I really could go on, but back hurts hunched at this table all day, eyes tiring. Can't really edit that well, hope it suffices. Wanted to get this off since it's your Anniversary month here at WDC. Sincerely, Brian WDC Angel Army Reviewer   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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