Hello Jim Hall

I'm reviewing this as a fellow student for the class on the Basics of Erotica Writing. These are just my thoughts as a reader and personal opinion with some thought on the usage of an assignment.

First Impression: This makes sense as a continuation from last week. It might come off confusing if a random reader just saw this scene but since you're building off the previous assignment and probably won't post it alone for anyone to see that is okay. I liked how you made it end yet gave the feeling we were going to keep going soon. So, it's like an end but also not one at the same time.

Assignment: For the week, we had a somewhat simpler assignment to fit into the very different stories since it was mostly focused on requiring to show some of the foreplay. It will help lead into the next assignment when the characters get to have all of the fun. You do well with the choices in what you show here and I'm guessing even with the climax for the one character, it still is focused on the "foreplay" part and things will continue from here in the next one. The sexual details aren't my area of expertise for what qualifies as which. As someone who is Ace, I get to do uncomfortable research sometimes for the erotica side of the writing. You did take things further than I did but I maybe should have put more into my own scene.

Characters/Story: So far we've gotten to see the characters a few times for the class. There is a limit to how much detail we get in this particular section but the focus isn't on developing them or showcasing personality. This part of the story is more on the intimacy that occurs between them, starting to show the physical side of their relationship. With the set up already done in previous sections, this works in showcasing their reactions to the touches and approaches they take in trying to please each other.


Other Notes: One thing I have to say that I noticed in particular on the technical side is that you manage to incorporate the thoughts/mind reading very well. It can be difficult at times, even with the use of italics to show a trick like that. You've managed to make it really work for the story.

While I did like the overall way things ended for this particular section of the story, I do have a suggestion. The very last word trips me up. I'm not sure if "lustully" is even a word. You might have meant to put "lustfully" but even that isn't the best choice. It would read better if rewritten to show the lust aspected without the -ly type of adverb. You have some room word count wise, so having a longer detailed tag for the dialogue can still fit.


Nice work with the assignment. I'll hop over to the next one in the next few days as I'm trying to get caught up on everything. Good luck with whatever you do for the very last assignment with the characters.