%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4758872 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I have to admit, I didn’t really warm to the main character. I assume it was deliberate and the readers weren’t supposed to, if it is going to be part of her character development that she will become nicer and more relatable. To be fair, this first part was probably not long enough to really get to know her, and some of her behaviour was so shocking that I’m guessing your plan is to make the readers hate her before you allow her to turn their opinions around. The story sounds like it is going to be interesting. The main character has inherited a lot of money but it’s clear that although the money is now hers and not her father’s, she has always been the spoiled little rich girl. When her butler gets murdered, she’s worried about her interview and is pleased how cute she looks in her suit before she realises she doesn’t even know if the man had a family. She sounds very young, perhaps even younger than the 19 years she is supposed to be, especially her inner voice.  Suggestions: several decorator items This might be a language difference (I’m English) but when I read this, I first thought of items the decorators had left behind, like ladders or paint pots, since you had just mentioned she had redecorated. In my opinion, something like “collector’s items” would work better here. Or it could be a typo; “decorative”, maybe? her cook/housekeeper This seemed a little informal, and I would suggest replacing the forward slash with an “and”. I wouldn’t have seen photos if he has them I think that should be “had”instead of “has”. so she wouldn’t have to think about going after the killer herself That came completely out of the blue. Why would that thought even cross her mind? I think this needs a bit more explanation, for example how she always read mystery novels where the detectives were completely inept and the clever teenager figured it out and caught the killer, or something along those lines. Anything to explain why she would even consider trying to catch her butler’s killer.  Final Thoughts: I have a feeling she is not going to heed her friend’s advice and will end up trying to solve the murder herself, and get into all sorts of danger because of it. And since you introduced her two friends, the practical one and the clever one, I assume they’re going to support her in her endeavours. At the moment, the readers know nothing about the butler or who might have wanted to kill him, so I couldn’t even guess where this story will be going. If you have written any more, I think it would be worth posting some additional paragraphs of the first chapter to give the readers a better idea of the story. Even if it is just a hint at what is going to happen - an unnamed character disposing of the murder weapon, or making a phone call to their boss to report that ‘it is done’, or anything like that - I think it would pique the readers’ interest and make them more likely to want to read on.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 06/30/2024 @ 7:51pm EDT