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 Review #4758299 |
 | Pillow Fight  [13+] A life-long romance can end quickly.  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: That was nicely done! The readers aren't aware that this is a story within a story, until a few paragraphs from the end. To be honest, I felt a bit like Doug towards the end of the first part because it was getting a little corny, like he said. It was well written though, all in dialogue which I find almost impossible to do, but it seems you didn’t have any problems with it. It was easy to follow who said what, and you put enough backstory into the speech so the readers could understand who the characters were, in relation to each other and specifically in this situation. I actually felt that I got to know them quite well during their brief conversation. The ending was great, when Doug put two and two together and realised that this piece of creative writing might have implications for him. You left it open whether that part of her story was actually true and she chose to tell him in this way, or if it was made up. For the readers, it was enough that Doug thought it might be which clearly caused him to panic at the end.  Suggestions: The story was very polished and I only noticed a few small errors. I believe you missed a few commas to set off a direct address. In some sentences you put the commas but I think you need them here as well: I'm sorry Douglas I love you so Douglas. Yes Douglas "Doug you're mean!" I'm sorry Rach. I think a comma is also needed in this sentence to set off the introductory “Well”. "Well you hurt my feelings."  Final Thoughts: The title was well chosen because, until the end, the readers didn’t know how it related to the tale, and then it suddenly made sense. It’s only a small part of the story but it’s important. I liked how the story felt like the characters got a glimpse into their future before returning back to the present day. Assuming Doug was right and Rachael chose this way to tell him, she made a choice that would have changed that future, which made it a very intriguing concept. A nice story!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/07/2024 @ 10:04pm EDT