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Review #4755483
Viewing a review of:
 A Final Wish Open in new Window. [E]
A man fulfills his final wish after death. Will review in return.
by Lana Author Icon
Review of A Final Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

That was a lovely tale. The grandfather loved his granddaughter so much that he wanted to see her one more time after his death, and not only that, he wanted to relive his favourite moment with her. The angel, who was already watching over them, came to visit them again, but instead of taking him away, he allowed him to see that memory again.

I liked how the story started, in the cemetery after the funeral where Maria stayed behind to leave a rose on the grave. The readers aren’t sure who the narrator is at first, and for a moment, I thought it was the ghost of the grandfather, from the way you described how he drifted closer, unnoticed. The question only really gets answered in the second part.


*PenG* Suggestions:

There are some punctuation issues in this story, and if you are still interested in editing (it is in your highlighted items but it is quite old), I would suggest looking out for missing or incorrect punctuation. For example:

“Are you alright Maria? Do you understand what I am? I waited for her to comprehend.
There should be closing speech marks at the end of the speech, after the question mark. I also believe that you need a comma after ‘alright” to set off the direct address.

“Yes. I know. She said.
Again, you need the closing speech marks, but as the sentence continues after the speech, the period should be a comma and the sentence should continue with a lowercase letter in “she”.

Another minute and I can open the door. He thought anxiously fidgeting with the doorknob.
The first part isn’t spoken, so it might be a good idea to put that part in italics. Again, the sentence continues after the thought so the period should be a comma which should be followed by a lowercase “he”.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I found the language a little too flowery at times, for example the line, Her eyes overflowed with liquid pain, and her quivering lips whispered a broken wish between her heartbreaking sobs., which created a vivid image but seemed a bit over the top. That’s just my opinion though, other readers might quite like this description. My favourite part was at the end when it all came together and you explained why the grandfather had chosen that moment. A nice story!




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