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Review #4753561
Viewing a review of:
 Echoes of the Lost Expedition (ep3) Open in new Window. [E]
although they have gone trough many obstacles, they need more than brave to discover Doral
by FlixTheLizzard Author Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

I found this using the Random Read and Review button, so I haven’t had a chance to look at your other episodes.

This feels like the groundwork for a real thriller. You have all the main ingredients for a standard item of fiction: goals, stakes, obstacles, and characters with the potential to grow and develop. The only problem I feel it has, is it’s written in summary form, running briefly over the events as though capturing a movie scene. I do see you’ve put efforts into the descriptions, using similes and setting the geographic area well. But we feel disconnected from what’s happening because we have a sort of “50,000 foot” view of it.

Perhaps what you should do is choose a character and “climb into their head,” describing the experience moment by moment as they see it and feel it. This isn’t as difficult as it might seem, and you don’t have to use the first person PoV to do it. It’s called “third person limited,” and allows us to live the story in a much more vivid and memorable way than if we feel as though we’re getting it from an impassioned observer. And as the main character experiences the events unfolding, we can see how the other character interacts with him in specific ways which show the bond between them, rather than simply telling us that their bond grew stronger after the escape from the altar site. This leads into another writing technique called “Show, Don’t Tell.” It’s always more interesting and creates a better connection with the story when we see emotional reactions, which I do see you’ve included. Fear is a pretty easy emotion to describe how it impacts us *Laugh*

I hope this advice has been helpful. This story has a lot of potential, and I think I’ll stop by your port and check your other episodes.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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